Hopeful – The View From The Other Side

This thing happened recently. It crept up so slowly and subtly that I didn’t even realize it until the words came out of my mouth one night.


Two Aprils ago, the stress of my job increased exponentially, angst over what I actually wanted to do with my life came to a crest, and, as I approached the anniversary of my rape, my PTSD symptoms took hold like a parasitic force in my brain. The joy of being in my relationship turned into a constant fear of screwing it up (SPOILERS: I did) and I slowly descended into the scary and dangerous state of depression and panic that just would not go away.

In June, we went camping. It should have been a wonderful trip and I had been looking forward to it for a long time, but something in me snapped while we were out there. I spent most of our trip trying to figure out how to best go about committing suicide.

I didn’t want my actions to have long term scarring effects on my boyfriend so I obviously had to break up with him and wait a while so he didn’t care anymore. I had to wait until after my sister’s and mother’s birthdays because I didn’t want to leave the scars of my untimely exit on the days that were meant to celebrate their existence. As I plotted and schemed, and became more and more silent, it seemed like it was the only thing for me to do.

I have no idea what prompted it. One day, at a beautiful site in northern California, I suddenly felt like it was the end of the line for me and that I had to do it. No logic, no reason. I just had to. My life was done.

My ever present silence, broken only by moments of crying and telling my boyfriend that I didn’t think he really loved me or even liked me, finally broke us apart. It was heartbreaking for both of us. We cried together, hugged, kissed, but ultimately separated.

Over the next several months, I kept eyeing my timeline. As I started a new job that I should have loved, but hated, and started school again, I tried to give myself enough to keep me going until I decided it was time.

There were many late nights when I thought it may be time but I always backed out.

Eventually, I had a friend come and stay with me. He had some issues at home and I clearly needed someone around. Unsurprisingly, it helped.

I started to get out of my head for longer and longer periods of time. When April came around again, though, I once again descended into that dark place where I was convinced suicide was the only option. Our friendship broke under the strain of certain circumstances and he moved out.

As he did so, I decided that it was time for a slight relocation. I had another friend come and stay with me shortly before moving into my new apartment. Things… did not work out.

Yet, through the summer, I joined a board games night, became close with someone I had totally thought hated me, started investing in other friendships I had neglected over the last year or so, and started friendships with several other people from board games night who have since become very dear friends. I started working much harder at learning programming languages and took on extra projects at work. Somewhere along the way, the depression receded so slowly that I didn’t notice it happening.

I’m not sure which piece of the puzzle was the tipping point but, a couple of weeks ago, I was talking with one of my board game friends and I suddenly realized that I was happy again. It wasn’t until I said “I don’t think I’ve ever actually been this happy in my life,” that I realized it was true. Apparently it was true for him too and we toasted to the end of the hardships that had brought us both to board games night.

Shortly after that conversation, he and I went from being friends to being something more. He knows most of this story and that there is always potential of me spontaneously descending back into depression. We’ve been friends long enough for him to have seen some of this journey.

Yet, this story isn’t about him.

The year and a half, or so, I spent fighting to keep myself going was terrifying. I have no good reason for why I didn’t reach out, go back to therapy, or get help at all. I stayed silent about what was going on with me.

I’ve regained a lot of weight. I almost don’t care. Getting through the minefield of my PTSD was much more important than maintaining my weight loss.

Recently I started going to see a therapist with my mom and I realized that I still have this burning need to be heard and to have my story told. That’s what this place is, right?

This has always been a selfish blog. I ask you to come along for the ride with me, listen to my stories, cheer me on, and not judge me too harshly when I make (oh so many) terrible decisions. Not blogging, not telling my story, was a mistake. So, I’m correcting that now.

I hope, dear readers, that you are still there to go along for the ride with me.

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Crawling Back in Stilettos

Well… that was an awkward silence.

I was going to put a GIF there but I don’t know how to use them. I’m not actually sure how I get by in life at all. I really don’t have very many life skills.

Mostly I rely on my smart phone.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now.


Last we spoke, I was still a heartbroken mess, trying to get my life back on track as a once again single lady. Ooh, and I baked a cake because my sister grew a baby. Kudos to her! I even like the baby.

Unfortunately, I get creeped out by photos of children on the internet so you don’t get to see him. Sorry.


So, can you keep a secret?

I’m in the process of a few very big life changes.

The proof is in the fact that I changed my hair color again. See?

New Profile

Back to my natural color!

As we speak, I’m looking a new apartments, preparing myself over the next six months to leave my job, am taking Computer Engineering classes, will be importing one of my best friends from California (since I don’t know how to make new ones), and will be striking out as a full-time self employed fool and part-time engineering student.

Also, I quit opera. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned that here. I mean, I still sing loudly in my apartment but that’s mostly to annoy my grumpy neighbor.

I took a few months of very serious emotional and physical detox to rethink my long term goals and what actually makes me happy, as opposed to what I think should make me happy. After realizing that the thing that kept coming back again and again as a theme was having freedom and control, I realized that I would probably never be happy being an employee of any sort. I’m way too bratty for that.

While I love my team, my company, my boss, and the never ending supply of really good coffee, I’ve always wanted to build something of my own. So, I’m taking the steps to do just that. I found something I was good at in an odd place and I’m just going with it.

I’ve barely started to tell people in my daily life but I’m a firm believer in declaring your intentions as a way to keep moving forward. I’ve been pouring over spreadsheets of my costs vs income, calculating how much I’ll realistically need to live on in the future. I’ve been looking up the tax codes so I don’t go to prison for tax evasion. I’ve been doing (what feels like) endless amounts of research to how best go about this and what the common pitfalls and stumbling blocks are. I’ve made flowcharts!

The last sentence isn’t true.

But the rest of it is and it’s really exciting to envision a future, six months from now, where I get up at an ungodly early time of the morning for my own work instead of for someone else’s company.

Or, as the delusional voices in my head prefer, I’ll just work from here:


Oh Mexico, how I fondly (and barely) remember you…

Anyway, I’ll be talking more about the changes over the next few months as I try to create a routine and good work habits, all the while trying to get back into the good health habits I once had.

Originally I had called this website Jogging in Stilettos because I was making fun of my tendency to try and do twenty things at once and because I run from thing to thing. Now it feels appropriate in so many more ways due to the odd mixture of things I’m juggling in life.

It’s been good.


Cake Baking and Baby Making

I only did one of these things this weekend.

Obviously it was the first item. I still have my IUD, thankyouverymuch, and I couldn’t be happier with it! Seriously, I’ve actually been somewhat afraid to write about how happy I am with this birth control because it feels like it’s been the kiss of death for it in the past.

Throwing caution to the wind… Paragard, I love you!

But, that’s kind of irrelevant now that I’m single again (abstinence sucks).

This weekend I was making this cake for my very pregnant sister.

In a month we’ll be welcoming our newest family member into the only functional part of my family! Congrats older sister on not being a hot mess!

I hope she gets used to stepping on Legos because I’m using this kid as an excuse to buy and build ALL THE LEGOS.

And transformers.

Yeah, transformers too.

How was your weekend?


Food For Thought – So Much Effort

I’ve been spending a lot of time alone with my emotions lately, examining them and trying to sort them out. I’m a huge believer in deep and meaningful reflection on experiences. It might have a lot to do with strongly justifying a lot of bad decisions as learning experiences but I’m okay with that.

I’m mostly kidding.

Still, as a growing and learning human being, I make a lot of mistakes and I can either choose to learn and grow as a result of those mistakes or I can stagnate and be the exact same person I was five years ago.

I’ll take the introspection.

One of the things I’ve really been examining is my eating habits and how they relate to my emotions. I mean, I like healthy food but sometimes (no matter how delicious it may be) I take one look at the “healthy” choice and my internal voice screams “WON’T WON’T WON’T WON’T WON’T.”

My internal voice is a curmudgeonly old house elf, apparently.

So, today as I went to grab lunch, I slowed myself down. Rather than grabbing the pizza I knew I wanted, I slowly and intentionally browsed the salad bar and healthier options. I considered them, knowing I’d end up back at the pizza anyway, and paid attention to how I felt as I considered choosing those.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t the flavor of the foods that I objected to or the contents, it was something completely different. For some reason, eating the healthy options just felt like SO MUCH EFFORT.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with my ex-boyfriend after we’d gone hiking. I thought it was a nice little hike that was a bit of a challenge for me. He was unsatisfied with it and decided to do a solo hike the next day. He told me, “it just doesn’t feel like a real hike unless I feel like I’m about to pass out from the effort.”

I thought that was really strange. “Why would you want to feel like you’re about to pass out? That sounds awful.”

“Nothing in my life is really a challenge. It’s about the only time I really exert myself. It feels good.”

I thought about that a lot while he was gone the next day. As I sat on our couch munching on a brownie, watching Arrested Development, and feeling very un-exerted, I realized how different my experience in life seemed to have been. At the time I was still in my very difficult work situation, I’m an overweight girl who lives in a city with a bajillion hills, and my personal history is rife with difficulty and challenges.

I spent most of my time dealing with very challenging things and high levels of exertion still felt somewhat traumatizing to me.

It’s a huge part of the reason I have so much trouble sticking with an exercise routine. The mental games I have to play are difficult to sustain.

So, as looked at all the food options in the café today, I let myself sit with that feeling of SO MUCH EFFORT and realized that when I feel that way, there’s a twinge of profound loneliness mixed in with that feeling.

It took me a few minutes before I identified the source of it.

Back when I was recovering from my car accident, not only was I completely isolated but EVERYTHING was SO MUCH EFFORT. Walking just a few feet was excruciating. Yet, I pushed myself continually to go further and to work through the pain.

It was one of my biggest triumphs in life but it came at a cost. The achievement was huge. I regained my ability to walk and to function as a normal adult but it was the most isolated I’ve ever been in my life. The level of very profound loneliness I felt at having cut myself off from my friends was terrible. Even worse was the hostility I felt from my family and their bitterness at having to give me somewhere to recover.

I was alone and unwanted.

And yet, I fought for myself. Hard.

Still, that association remains. When I push myself hard the physical sensation brings back the mental association. It was also at that time that I started making an effort to eat healthy. The mental battle of “I have to do this!” left its mark. It all just took so much energy.

So, I realize that when I feel worn out, mentally or physically, it just feels like SO MUCH EFFORT to make the healthy choice even though, in reality, it take no more effort to eat one item than the other.

It seems that I still need to do some internal work on that part of me that goes back to that place. That part of my brain needs to learn that it’s not the same anymore and that picking the chicken and vegetables doesn’t have to be accompanied by overwhelming loneliness or stressful exertion.

I mean, I like Brussels sprouts.

Like, a lot.


So, I’m going to spend some more time with those emotions, allowing myself to experience that feeling and reflecting upon it. I wonder if it will make a difference in my eating habits in the days and weeks to come.


This, My 26th Year

So, I know that this post is a wee bit late. After all, I turned 26 on June 16th but it’s been kind of a rough month. I considered skipping this post altogether but I think that goal setting is one of the most valuable things a person can do. I just couldn’t bring myself to not do so, especially when I’m now seeing the fruit of so many goals I’ve set.

My twenty-fifth year of life was a remarkable year. I was just coming off a year that nearly broke me and was learning what kind of strength I really had. I knew that I wanted a better life but didn’t yet know how to create it.

My theme for the year was “actualize.” I said that I wanted to make things happen rather than just thinking about them and wishing. I wanted to change my circumstances. My exact words were “I want to look back at this year and think, ‘Good god, everything changed that year and it was amazing.’”

Specifically, I said that I wanted to finish losing weight, go back to school, sing in front of more people, have a real relationship (like, FACEBOOK official), and form a real community of friends. So, let’s look at how I did:

Losing Weight – Not a single pound…

Go Back To School – I auditioned for school but did not make it in.

Sing for more people – Why, yes. I did do this. I’m gaining confidence in my abilities and will even be auditioning for the Seattle Symphony Chorale either next month or September.

Have a real relationship – I couldn’t have asked for a better one. This more than anything else this year produced profound changes in me that I could not have possibly expected.

Form a real community of friends – This is still a work in progress but I made huge strides in this area of my life.

Those are very short reflections (especially for me!) but the real changes that happened were mostly internal shifts due to accomplishing some of these things. In addition, though, I not only was promoted at work (once officially but multiple times in an unofficial capacity), but I found the courage to leave that company and look for a job where I would be happy.

All in all, this year I feel like I finally became an adult. I started to take my career, relationships, and self seriously.

Oh, and I became a redhead.


So, yeah, everything did change.

So, what about this upcoming year? What do I want now?

My theme for this year is “flourish.”

As in thrive…

As in embellish…

As in success with celebration and style.

This year I’m going to work on my networking skills, seek out training experiences to support my career growth and long term goals, find performance opportunities, pay off as much debt as possible, get more physically fit, and find a lasting relationship.

I was so happy for most of last year. While there were difficult times, I had finally built my life in a way that made dealing with those times so much easier. This year, I want to continue down that road of happiness and of building a life that makes space for that happiness.

Usually I look back on a year of my life with dozens of regrets, this year I only had one. I let the stress and burden of work steal away my joy at times that should have been wonderful. It is my goal to not let that happen again this year. It is my goal to work hard, live joyfully, and love fully.

I’m going to go back to a model of weekly and monthly goals since that’s what helped me be successful in the past. Twenty-five was great; let’s see what twenty-six has to offer.


The Day of the Imploding Stomach

Warning… I’m about to talk about poop. Lots of it.

So, yesterday was interesting…

I woke up yesterday feeling like I had gone on some all-night bender like it was two years ago again. Between dogs barking, a constant beeping all night, other noises, and aches and pains I was feeling, I’d barely slept. I wondered if I was actually hung over because I’d been drinking so much coffee lately and very little water. Plus, I’d had two glasses of wine with dinner.

Is this what happens when you turn 26???

Usually I’m tired and resentful of the fact that I have to get out of bed each morning but yesterday I was feeling tired on an extraordinary level.

Despite feeling a little deathy, I coaxed myself out of bed, made myself eat a banana, some blueberries, and drink some water, put on something that was low maintenance but still professional looking, and just barely made it out the door to catch my shuttle to work.

After taking some vitamins, more water, and Aleve, I felt a little better and tried to on with my day. I had back to back meetings for most of the day, which I was excited about, so I carried my water bottle with me and filled it up between each one, trying desperately to rehydrate.

Very suddenly, my stomach was NOT okay. I walked very quickly to the bathroom and cursed the fact that it was going to be one of those days. I still thought it must be that I was too dehydrated so I did my best to gulp down some water and minimize how much coffee I was drinking.

I wasn’t feeling well, but it wasn’t awful. I’ve dealt with worst, for sure. After my first meeting, though, I stopped back at my desk and very suddenly felt the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach again. Speed walking to the bathroom this time, I wondered if something more was going on.

I had a third meeting shortly after that and was excited for this one. It was a one on one with one of my coworkers that I suspected I might get along with really well. I was totally right and was too excited about how well we connected to think about my stomach during our meeting. As I stood up, though, I panicked. I waited for her to turn the other way and then I RAN for the bathroom. This time I had to clench and made it just on time.

I was starting to feel sicker and I wondered if I had eaten something bad the previous day. Figuring that my stomach HAD to have been empty by that time, I grabbed more water and some coffee and headed to the next meeting I was in.

I have no idea what was said for the entirety of that meeting. Not only was my stomach killing me but I ached all over. I finally realized that I wasn’t going to make it through the day. As I started to hurt more, I tried to wrap up the meeting quickly because, YET AGAIN, I needed to make another run for the bathroom.

Out of energy, patience, yet surprisingly not out of poop, I decided that I need to reschedule the rest of my meetings for the day and go home to suffer in close proximity to my bathroom. Alone.

Hoping that I could get home quickly enough via the shuttle, I ran outside to the pickup spot to wait. As I felt my stomach start to rumble again, I texted the following to a friend:

Me: Is it a bad omen to shit your pants at a new job?

Him: Only on the first day.

Me: Oh good. I made it out the door but I’m doubtful on my odds of making it home clean. Food poisoning… the shitty gift that keeps on giving.

Him: I can’t handle this story right now. It’s lunch time.

Me: Oops.

Him: Laughing too hard to eat

Me: Why is Pioneer Square so bumpy!?!?!?!?!

I’m pretty sure you know it’s true love when you can talk about pooping your pants with someone.

Thankfully, the shuttle got me to my stop quickly. Unfortunately, the stop was further from my apartment than I thought. I’m sure that all the runners out there know how hard it is to clench and run at the same time, but run I did. As soon as I got into my apartment, I dropped my stuff and made a beeline for my bathroom.

I spent the rest of the day curled up in a little ball realizing that shouldn’t have eaten the closed mussel the previous night.

So, while I did weigh in in the morning, I didn’t think it was a good indicator of whether or not I had actually made any progress.

What a shitty day? Eh? No? Never mind.


Carry On, Carry On

For the most part you wouldn’t know that there’s anything wrong and for the most part, I am okay. But out of nowhere, there are moments when waves of sadness feel like they’re crashing down so hard on my chest that I can hardly stand it.

And then the moment passes.

And I’m okay again, going about my daily life as if I hadn’t just lost the person I’d fallen so in love with.

Admitting all of it sounds to over the top and overdramatic to me but I’ve chosen to be okay with that.

I’m choosing to be okay with the fact that I’m not the person who simply says, “his loss,” and moves on and with the fact that I still feel like we need to give it one more shot. I’m okay with giving up some of my pride to acknowledge how much a relationship meant to me.

This was the relationship where I finally learned to accept love, where I learned what intimacy feels like, where I finally let down my guard and let someone in that I truly cared about. This was the relationship that made me finally believe that I could have love.

The fact that it’s over doesn’t take any of that away from me.

But still, there are those moments where the feelings of loss stop me in my tracks. Sometimes it feels crushing, other times it’s just a small sigh escaping before I can stop it.

Either way, I breathe through those moments and carry on.

I carry on because I still believe that things will turn out okay. I believe in my strength to get through the pain and the loss. I believe in my ability to grow and learn from this situation. I believe that love will find me again and that next time I will be better prepared for it.

Whether we never see each other again, try and stay friends, or give our relationship another shot, I believe that I will be okay and that things will turn out right.

In stepping back and observing my behavior through this, it’s remarkable to see how much stronger I am now than I was two years ago. Two years ago I lost a pseudo relationship that was mostly dysfunctional and in which I was never really loved. Yet, losing it nearly destroyed me as I tried to hide my pain in a combination of alcohol, pain killers, weed, and other men. I tried desperately to fill that void.

For those of you who were reading back then, yeah, it was that bad. I never came out and admitted it but I was waging a slow destructive battle against myself because I couldn’t deal with losing something that felt like the closest I would ever come to finding love.

There have been breakups between then and now but none of them had much of an impact on me because I was the one walking away. And, there was my Gentleman Friend who it hurt to leave but it was made so much easier by the fact that I had finally realized that I deserved to be treated better and that I deserved to be a priority in someone’s life.

This time, though, I was that priority. I was treated well. I was loved. This time it was a decision made out of what he perceived was best for both of us.

So, this time I decided to take care of myself. I made the decision to not drink at all until I knew it wouldn’t exacerbate the hurt or make me act out. I’ve made the effort to fill my life with things that are healthy and productive. This time I don’t question if I have the strength to get through it or if my life will always be so lonely and difficult.

This time I believe in love.

And I know I will have it again.

We went from being that couple that no one could understand why we were together to seeming like we were truly a match, opposite in the right ways. It was wonderful and beautiful and thrilling to fall in love with someone so different and it was wonderful and beautiful and thrilling to watch that same someone falling in love with me.

It came when I didn’t expect it and in a man that I would have never believed I would fall for.

Could we have made it work? Yes. Probably. But we didn’t.

Call it timing (awful job and other things we were going through), call it our age (we both just turned 26), call it general incompatibility (yet we were so good together), or whatever else one can think of. It doesn’t matter anymore. At this point I have one job: to move on in a healthy way.

It feels unfair that there are no breakup songs that seem to fit our situation. I’m not angry. I don’t want revenge. I wasn’t abandoned or wronged in any way. Adele does nothing for me in this case. Perhaps somewhat appropriately, all I have is an opera aria that I was assigned to learn just before we broke up.

Donde Lieta from La Boheme

Donde lieta uscì
al tuo grido d’amore,
torna sola Mimì
al solitario nido.
Ritorna un’altra volta
a intesser finti fior.
Addio, senza rancor. Ascolta, ascolta.
Le poche robe aduna
che lasciai sparse.
Nel mio cassetto stan chiusi
quel cerchietto d’or
e il libro di preghiere.
Involgi tutto quanto
in un grembiale
e manderò il portiere…

Bada, sotto il guanciale
c’è la cuffietta rosa.
Se vuoi–se vuoi, serbarla
a ricordo d’amor!
Addio–addio, senza rancor.


From whence she joyously left
at the beckoning of your love,
all alone must Mimì now return
to that empty nest …
Returning once again
to embroider make-believe flowers.
So farewell, but without bitterness. Listen, listen.
Gather up the few things
that are still scattered about.
Tucked inside my drawer are
that golden bracelet …
and my prayer book.
Bundle up everything
in an apron
and I’ll send someone to fetch it.

Only listen–under my pillow
you’ll find that pink bonnet …
If you want–if you’d like to, you should keep it
as a memento of our love.
So goodbye–goodbye, with no bitterness.


How It All Fell Apart

It’s heartbreaking having the rug pulled out from under you, when what you thought was a sure thing suddenly becomes uncertain.

This is the journey I’ve been going through over the last several weeks. I was struggling though so many transitions and leaning on the one thing I thought would be there at the end of it.

And then it was gone.

It’s been just under two weeks and I’m starting to rally but I know it will take time.

I’d wondered just a couple of months ago what happens to relationships as good as ours and how some of them go from being so good to just… done. I’d asked people what I needed to be vigilant about and what I needed to watch out for because I wanted us to last for the long haul. I guess maybe I shouldn’t ask questions that I don’t really want to know the answers to.

With so many people around me asking if it’s really over and what happened that it all changed so quickly, it’s hard to focus on moving on. Yet, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t want to move on yet and I don’t know if it’s really over.

We were so different and we always knew it would be a challenge to find the middle ground and create shared experiences and interests but for the first few months we were so good at it. Our dates were a strange combination of wine festivals, operas, Trailer Park Boys Live (because we’re classy as shit), hiking, dinners out, cards with my family, nights doing karaoke, and watching The Walking Dead (apparently the fastest way to my heart is with zombies).

It was fun and exciting and I was finally learning how to let my guard down and be loved. It took me weeks of trying before I could finally get the words “I love you” out of my mouth and it took him a few more days before he woke me up in the middle of the night to say “I love you too.” It was so awkward and so precious.

Our sarcasm flowed freely and we engaged in verbal jousting like it was a sport. Letting him in  to the messy places in my heart was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. The result, though, was real love and acceptance. He became my best friend.

On the other hand, work was getting worse. After our executive assistant left the company, I was filling in the gaps as we trained her replacement. After her replacement walked out and my company dragged its feet on hiring someone new, I shouldered the burden of the extra work.

It was never ending and my boss reminded me of a grown up two year old. I was working ungodly long days, taking work home, and still being yelled at for anything (my fault or not) that displeased my boss. Because I was doing the work of multiple people, things did sometimes fall through the cracks and I had to face the blame with no real help or admin support to correct it.

I cut out my vocal training, I mostly stopped blogging, I stopped hanging out with friends, and I cut out anything that caused any level of stress in my life so I could get through it and keep afloat until more admin staff was hired.

I really only have the ability to deal with one stressful thing at once. I just can’t do more.

As time went on, though, my boss’s behavior went from inappropriate to abusive and I could hardly handle it. I didn’t think that I could get a job anywhere else that payed as well as they did because I really only had a couple of years of experience, no four year degree, and a job title that barely reflected the work I was actually doing. I felt so stuck and went from stressed to depressed to despondent.

I had one bright shining light that I could look to. With him in my life, not everything was awful. THIS is the biggest mistake anyone can make in a relationship.

No matter how good your relationship is, no matter how much you love someone, they should never be the one thing in your life. They should never be the one hope.

I fell into that trap and put all the pressure on us to be that shining light. So, if he was in a bad mood or just not in the mood to be affectionate, it felt like the end all things good in my life.

Ultimately, it was because of him that I had the courage to leave my job. I knew that the job and how I was coping with it was going to ruin both us and me. When my boss made a decision that showed his complete lack of respect for me and my capabilities, I wrote my resignation letter, giving a month’s notice, asked people to proofread it to make sure no bitterness or emotion showed through, and handed it in.

I had raised my pay by 30% in a year and a half at that company and I was confident that I could do that again elsewhere, even if I had to start out by taking a pay cut.

Having someone so completely on my proverbial team gave me the courage to know that I would land on my feet one way or another. Unfortunately, I don’t deal with uncertainty well and not knowing where my next paycheck would come from crippled me with anxiety. Once again, I was leaning on him to be my shining light.

In my anxiety, I became withdrawn and mostly silent. When we would go out for dinner or drinks, I would finally start blurting out all of my fears in an emotionally messy frenzy.

I knew that we needed to actually talk about some things while sober and work on some things but I figured we would deal with it once I had a job because I just couldn’t handle it at the moment.

From what I can tell, he thought that this was simply how we’d become as a couple. So, once I was hired elsewhere, with great love and kindness he told me that he didn’t think I should move in because he didn’t think we’d work out long term.

In the end, there was hugging, there was crying, and there was love.

Whether or not we can still be salvaged, I’m not sure. If not, every moment I spent with him was still worth it. I learned vulnerability, intimacy, love, and true acceptance from him. It was the kind of love and support I’ve never known before, not even from my family.

I hate that I let my job come between us and that I let silence fill our home, but it was the only way I could deal with things at the moment. I hate that I let myself stay in such an abusive work environment for so long, but he was the only reason I had the courage to leave it. I hate that I let one person be my everything because that’s just not who I am anymore.

The progression and pattern of what was going on is so painfully clear to me now.

So, now I’m focusing on rebuilding all those parts of my life I neglected, on networking at my new company, and on finding my “tribe.” A rich and fulfilling life needs so much more than just The Relationship.

I know that if we can’t rebuild, I’ll be fine and will eventually find someone new. I’m not under the delusion that he’s the only one or that I’ll never find love like this again. I get all of those things. For the moment, though, I have to let all of the sadness, regret, and longing wash over me and permeate all the emotional crevices. To deny those feelings would only make it worse.

The advice I’ve appreciate most during this time was not what I expected. I don’t want to hear that I can do better or that I won’t care in six months. That just makes it worse.

The words that helped the most were simply, “I’m so sorry. There are no words of wisdom; you just have to get through it.”

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Don’t get too excited for me. Mostly it’s because I’m having trouble getting myself to eat and also haven’t been drinking. So, one of those is actually pretty good but the other one is  maybe not so much.

I’m in one of those I-can’t-seem-to-get-myself-to-eat stages that I go through when I’m feeling all the feels of boy troubles. Since my boyfriend and I broke up last Sunday, I’m obviously in that stage right now.

I also started a new job last Thursday and moved back into my apartment that had  been left vacant for a few months as we were preparing to officially live together, so a lot’s been going on.

I’m exhausted and heartbroken but it’s a good opportunity for a fresh start. Like, I almost titled this post ANUSTART and then I remembered that I hadn’t checked in on my weigh in yet so I went with the one that wouldn’t attract all the porn and/or Arrested Development searches.

In the wake of it all, I’m doing my best to be as healthy as possible and to take as good care of myself as possible.

So, between listening to Pink’s Just Give Me a Reason on repeat and plotting for my future world domination I’ve been trying to eat my greens and make a half assed effort to exercise.

Or maybe heartbreak just burns calories, I don’t know.

Just kidding.

Either way, I’m making a huge effort to use this upheaval as an opportunity to change some habits and try to approach things in a different way.

I guess some weekly goals would be appropriate…

This Week’s Goals

1. Eat Green Things – As much as possible, I’m trying to eat the healthiest food I can get my hands on. So, I’m going to keep focusing on eating as much leafy greens as possible. Making it the staple of my meal and adding other foods after seems to be a really effective way to do this. I’ve just kind of accepted that I will be stuffing my face with as much spinach or kale as possible at every meal. Then I can have my bacon.

2. Get Active in Incidental Ways – I plan to do quite a bit over the next week in terms of recreation and am trying to walk to and from as many of those things as possible. I’m not feeling ready to start an actual workout routine yet but I want to up the activity so that it won’t feel like such a shock when I do start working out again. Plus, Seattle is so beautiful right now, I really shouldn’t be indoors, like, at all.

3. Give Myself Grace – I’ve made a few choices for how I’m going to deal with this difficult time period and how I’m going to be totally okay with my emotional messiness. As someone painfully aware of the lingering effects of PTSD in my life and how drinking exacerbates it, I’ve decided not to drink at all for a while, until I’m a little more emotionally level and out of danger of having a bad attack. I’ve also decided to be okay with the lingering complications of our relationship. While in the past I’ve had no trouble simply dropping a relationship that wasn’t working, this was a very different situation. Am I being “that stupid girl” by not just letting go? Maybe, but I’d rather be stupid and possibly keep the valuable parts of what we have than be the smart girl who just plain loses someone incredibly valuable from their life.

4. Look Amazing – My new position at work has me in direct contact with a lot of people high up in a major company. At my last job, I mostly wore jeans and a nice shirt because we were pretty low key (in that way…). Here I want to make a real impression and to establish myself as a put together, confident, and capable woman. So, I’m pulling out all the stops and doing my best to make myself look like a professional woman.

5. Drink Lots and Lots of Water – Despite my booze ban, I’ve been pretty dehydrated. Between the heat wave and the metric shit ton of coffee I’ve been drinking, I definitely need to be getting more water. I’m way too shallow to let my skin look bad because I’m not drinking enough water.


Monthly Measurements – June 2013

Okay, I’m on this again. Stay tuned this week for lots of posts because it’s been a very busy time for me and I have lots to talk about.

Today, though, let’s focus on this whole “I got a little fatter and now I care about it” thing that’s going on. With this weigh-in, I’ve made some new goals and am going to work to make the life space for a healthier lifestyle again.

Lately it’s been… not so much. The measurements and weigh-in speak for themselves. So, here’s where I stand.

Weight 244.4 lbs
Neck 14 ½
Bust 40
Chest 45 ½
Waist 37
Belly 46 ½
Hips 54
Thigh 29
Calf 18 ½
Ankle 9
Bicep 17
Forearm 11 ¼
Wrist 6 ¼


Yup. Less than thrilling.

So, on we move with improving habits again and all that jazz.