This will be the last boy post I’m going to do for a while. I mean, we’ll still have Skanky Tuesdays but other than that, unless something really juicy and/or amusing happens I think I’ve talked the boy situation to death and need to give it a break. We’ll just have to start talking about my shrinking ass again. Darn.
On Tuesday I got a lovely little surprise. I walked inside and found That Certain Someone sitting on the couch. Only twice have I ever seen him on weekdays. The first was Thanksgiving and the second was when he showed up unannounced on Valentine’s Day. I was so surprised that time because it was the Monday after we started things again and I definitely didn’t expect to see him.
Back to this Tuesday…
There he was on the couch, smiling at the surprised look on my face.
We made small talk for a few minutes as I nervously thought about the fact that we had a conversation to finish. I didn’t really want to, but I knew it needed to happen.
Clearly now (any time, really) would be a much better time to have the conversation than the evening of the first try. I wanted to make sure that I actually communicated what I wanted to say and to know for sure where we stood.
Thus commenced The Conversation 2.0.
I haven’t been that stupid girl I feared I might have been and that some people told me I was. I fell a little deeper for him throughout this conversation and the last. I found a new level of respect for him as well. I learned that what I thought he might feel about me was pretty much exactly the case. I also had to let him go.
For reasons I can’t share online (his information, not mine), we simply can’t have a relationship right now or in the near future. Deep down I’ve known this for some time. I’ve been aware of our situation and what the result of it would probably be. I also didn’t really care.
It’s the first time I’ve ever ignored the big picture and what I thought the end result would be so that I could live in the moment and enjoy what was in front of me. I don’t regret a single moment of it.
He may no longer be my certain someone but he’s still a very important certain someone to me. Even after we finished Conversation 2.0, we sat, talked, and joked for several hours. The friendship certainly isn’t gone and we won’t stop spending time together but anything above and beyond that simply isn’t an option.
It hurts. It sucks. I spent the better part of yeterday crying. I also spent a good portion of yesterday remembering the last eight months (and ten days… not that I’m counting) and laughing. It was a bittersweet experience finding out just how much he cares about me at the same time that I had to accept that we had to let it go.
I’m okay, though. This won’t turn out like last time when I was simply frantic to keep moving so I wouldn’t have to feel the hurt of it. I took yesterday to sit in my feelings, observe them, and let them flow. I let myself feel each emotion as it came. I confess that I definitely didn’t eat enough today. It was a struggle to get myself to eat at all but I knew I needed to. I’m going to take care of myself, get through the painful moments, and continue on.
It’s rather nice that there is no anger or bitterness on either side of this situation. Yes, there is sadness but I think that’s natural.
This also does not change my mind about my evening intruder. I still think it would be wrong to take something just because it’s there and convenient when I really don’t have feelings for him. I’m willing to be alone for a while until the real thing comes along. If I’ve learned anything from this entire experience, it’s that I shouldn’t and won’t settle for anything less than what that certain someone makes me feel. I want the real thing, not a cheap imitation.