Last week I ended things with my gentleman friend, a.k.a. Mr. Young Money (or so he’s called in my phone). It was the first time I’ve made a decision to end a relationship while I still had feelings for the person. I didn’t realize how hard the decision would be.

Actually, it wasn’t that the decision was hard. I knew it was the right thing to do. The decision was easy but following through was hard.

It had been a fun relationship. I’ve probably never spent so much time talking with one person before. I’ve definitely never liked talking to one person so much before. I have a tendency to get a little emotionally itchy when I’ve been spending too much time with a guy.

When it came to boys, all I really wanted was fun. I’d been going for no commitment, no complications, and no hard feelings… all fun. Incidentally, I found what I was looking for, a few times. No regrets.

Mr. Young Money, though, was a different story. I liked talking to him and he was the first boy in a long time with whom I wanted something real. Due to work, he spent a lot of time out of town. I was okay with that because it gave us a chance to actually get to know each other on a deeper level. I knew that he was in it because he liked me, not just because it was convenient.

Yet, I started to notice a slight hesitation on his part to tell me specifics of when he would be in town and not. At first I suspected that this was because it was usually tentative. I thought that he didn’t want to say that he would be somewhere when it could change at any time.

Considering that everything else seemed to be as it should be, I didn’t make a big thing of it. A week and a half ago, though, he didn’t tell me that he wasn’t coming back into town. It wasn’t just a slight delay either. He still hasn’t come back and isn’t sure when he will be back. He knew that eventually I would find out that he wasn’t coming back and rather than telling me himself, he let me find out from someone else.

I was angry but I gave it a few days before saying anything because I wanted to give myself a chance to be less emotional before I did anything about it. We talked after he should have been back and he still didn’t say anything about it. The tentative plans we had made aside, it bothered me that he didn’t feel any need to let me know that he wouldn’t be coming back.

Three days later, I ended it.

It took me a few days to decide what I really wanted to say and what I needed him to hear. In the end, I went for being brief and direct. I reminded him what he had told me he wanted the night before my birthday. He had asked a real relationship. I was finally at the point of wanting something real too. Despite that, if he didn’t feel the need to tell me that he wasn’t coming back to Seattle, clearly this was not real.

It’s been a hard week. There were a couple of times when I wanted to send him an email or text about something, but I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. It was easy to say that I want and deserve a real relationship but it was hard to realize that I couldn’t still have him as a friend.

While I didn’t really feel the loss of a romantic partner, I did feel the loss of a friend.

Short though it may have been, I got a lot out of this relationship. I realized that I really do want more. I realized that I’m past the point of no commitments, no complications, and no hard feelings… Obviously I still want the fun.

I’m willing to commit to someone now and I’m ready to find someone who’s wants to commit to me.  I’m ready to connect on a deeper level with someone again. I’ve finally internalized that I am worth it.

I debated back and forth a few times whether what Mr. Young Money had neglected to tell me was bad enough to make me walk away completely or whether I should just talk to him about it, but I realized that it wasn’t about the action being bad, it was about the fact that I didn’t factor in enough for him to think he should tell me.

I want and deserve to be a real factor in someone’s life. I won’t take less and I’m okay with being single in the meantime.