I turned 25 this Saturday.
It started out lovely. Just after midnight this one boy I know asked me to date him, like officially. He also got everyone in the bar to sing happy birthday to me just after midnight. Despite my recent boy ban, I said yes. Oops?
I have yet to come up with a nickname suitable for him but rest assured I will figure out something obnoxious.
The rest of the day went downhill with said boy having to go out of town that afternoon and the night ending in my realizing that my purse and coat had been stolen from my party. While it wasn’t the most fun way to start my 25th year, I feel optimistic about this upcoming year.
24 was probably the hardest year of my life. No, scratch that, it was undoubtedly the hardest year of my life. I was so broken and yet so earnestly hoping for something better in the future. “Formation” was the theme I gave myself for the year and I definitely fulfilled it. Most of the year was focused on recovery and discovery. In terms of actual events; not much happened, but in terms of internal changes; everything happened.
Originally I intended to do the work necessary to recover from the rape and move on. In the process, though, I discovered that I hadn’t really healed from a lot of other things either. I had to go back and work through so many other things. As I noted at the start of the year, it felt like I had stripped myself down to my bones. Since then, I’ve been in a process of rebuilding.
I wanted to figure out who I really am and create an authentic foundation so that I wouldn’t be quite so tossed around by the ideas and opinions of others. I wanted out of the constant brokenness I was feeling and trying so hard to fight. Mostly, though, I wanted to really become me.
Obviously this is still a work in progress. I don’t believe that we have a fixed identity. I think we’re constantly in flux at least a little bit. But I’ve found that core and sense of self that can ride out those waves.
For my 25th year, though, I want to create in a tangible way and my theme for this year is “actualize.” I want to make things happen, not just wish about them and think about them. Last year was all about changing my internal condition but this year I want to change my outer circumstances.
I want to finish losing weight (or at least make a hell of a lot of progress), I was to go back to school, I want to sing in front of more people than just my voice teacher, I want a real relationship (like, Facebook official kind of thing… and hey, we might be on our way there), I want a real community of friends, and I want to look back at this year and think, “Good god, everything changed that year and it was amazing.”
Is this a lot to ask?
Probably, but I’m kind of demanding in general. Why should this be any different?
This year, I’m not going to make a bunch of weekly goals. I have a tendency to take on too much, get overwhelmed, flee the scene, and then get frustrated that I’m back where I started in the first place. I’m going to give myself one habit at a time to work on for a month and make sure that I really achieve it.
I’m finishing June with one that is relatively easy for me: no sugar. Next up will be practicing music every day in July, starting with five minutes and working my way up.
While last year was undoubtedly the year of recovery, I want this year to be the year of blossoming. Having picked up the broken pieces, I’d like to make something beautiful with them.
As I mentioned before, I’m really optimistic about this year. I’m happier and healthier than I’ve ever been and, while there’s still internal work to do, I think now’s the time to start making real external changes as well.
And yeah, this post is a day late for my Wednesday weigh-in but better late than never, right?