I’ve said for a while that finding a boy wasn’t on my to-do list. That meant that, while it wasn’t my focus, I surely wasn’t going to object if a rather pretty, charming, and intelligent one happened to say hello. Well, that happened and the short lived, “Oh, Hello…” may have been fun but it left me feeling really let down and a bit morose.

Oddly, the night I met that boy, I also met another one that I didn’t really give much thought to at the time. Over the next few weeks, though, I kept running into him and started to realize how often I was smiling when I was around him. Roughly two weeks ago, I realized that I had a little crush on him.

It was fun. I didn’t act on it or try to initiate anything. It was just nice to be around someone that made me feel giggly… which is a huge contrast to what work’s been like lately. It was equally nice to flex my flirting muscles and find that I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin and, as a result, am being much more authentic.

He too was pretty, charming, and intelligent. As I realized that my crush might not be quite so little, though, I reassessed. Very quickly, I realized that despite the fact that I rather like his face and personality, we clearly had different drives in life and that it would not be relationship material even if it did develop into a fling.

Mentally, I walked away.

I think that I’m mentally walking away from any possible relationship right now. I’m taking a stronger stance than “not on my to-do list” and saying that until I’m through this emotional transition period, I don’t think I should get involved with anyone. I’m saying that even if a pretty, charming, and intelligent boy falls in my lap (not like that…) it probably won’t be a wise idea to invest in anything just yet.

Yesterday, when I was talking to my therapist, she told me that a lasting relationship usually only forms when both parties are at the same level of emotionally development. She also said that when one party grows or changes, it usually marks the end of said relationship. While, we were actually talking about relationships of which I was not a part, I couldn’t help but reflect on the repercussions of that fact in my life at present.

Yes, I have an uncanny ability to make everything about me. I feel like that’s allowed in therapy, though.

I’m changing, healing, and growing so quickly right now that even if I did find Mr. Right, he’d only end up being Mr. Right Now. If the last six months are any indication of trajectory, in the next six months I’ll once again be in a completely different emotional place. Anything I try to build now would be built on shifting sand.

Incidentally, I hate sand. I feel like the ground is not supposed to move when you step on it. California beaches are a sprained ankle waiting to happen and I’d much rather stay far away from them. Besides, I don’t exactly get along with the sun…

I digress.

It was a good step I took about six months ago, moving from looking for Mr. Tonight to Mr. Right-For-The-Moment-And-Or-The-Next-Six-Months, but I’m not even content with that idea anymore.

No, I’m not looking for the love of my life and I’m not hoping to meet someone and get married right away. I just don’t want to invest in something that has an obvious shelf life. I’m finally at that point where I want more and I know that I’m worth more.

I’m asking a lot of hard questions right now and, for once, this question has an easy answer.

So… now I have no idea what to do on Saturday nights.

Canasta, anyone?

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