Sometimes I just have trouble getting myself to eat. On paper it sounds far more troublesome than how it manifests in daily life but not putting it on (digital) paper would be denial of any problem.

For the last week I had trouble eating because I was sick. I didn’t want to weigh myself on Monday because I didn’t want to like the number. I did like the number, though, and as an extension of the sick week, I’m having trouble getting myself to eat this week.

First I just wasn’t hungry and I figured that I ought not eat when I wasn’t hungry. Then I was hungry with every intention of eating… in a few minutes. A few minutes turns into a few hours. This weekend I made a new policy. I have to eat before taking a shower. The policy was made out of necessity. You see, on weekends I don’t think to eat because I sleep in and then want to just get up and go about my day.

Generally I’ll eat some time in the afternoon. A few weeks ago, though, it was evening and I still hadn’t had anything to eat. Deciding to get something at the grocery store on my way out, I jumped in the shower. With an “Oh Shit” I prevented the inevitable and sat down before I fell down.

It wasn’t the first time I was curled up in the shower. I spent a lot of time sitting in my shower, just thinking, after the accident. It was the first time, though, that I did so out of necessity and not out of contemplation. Three times more it’s happened since then. Twice last week.

But I was sick, I told myself. So, what was my excuse on Monday for not eating. Um… I was twitterpated? Yes, but was I twitterpated enough to justify my 500 calorie day? No. And Tuesday? What’s my excuse for Tuesday? I don’t know what the stats for yesterday were but it was not enough.

This morning I got on the scale out of curiosity and saw that I had lost two pounds since Monday. Yeah, I like losing weight but I know that two pounds in two days is not good. Today is wrap day at work so I know that I’ll have a real lunch.

I didn’t really want to do this post today. I wanted to keep up with the happy-butterflies-and-rainbows posts because that’s how I feel, but this being my health and weight loss blog, I knew that I had to be honest with you all. My emotions are deeply tied in with my eating habits. The last ten months has not cured me of that.

While I am definitely feeling happy enough to burst, the accompanying uncertainty is telling. I spent the last several years battling and eventually winning against my anxiety but some of the habits and behavior patterns are still there. They are things that I have to be aware of and are being illuminated by this whole thing.

Some of what I’m feeling really is anxiety, I mean there are a lot of questions I have no idea how to answer.

How long do you have to wait before sending inappropriate text messages? Do I give forewarning that I’m just on this side of crazy or let him find out on his own? Does it send the wrong message if I tell him that I’d prefer to make out first and get dinner later? Which headband best exemplifies the whole “I’m innocent but not” thing I have going on? How do I explain those scars? When do things change from “We went on a date” to “We’re dating?” Dare I think ahead… When do I change the all important Facebook status?

Those are not rhetorical questions, go ahead and answer any of the above, please!

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