Sometimes I just have trouble getting myself to eat. On paper it sounds far more troublesome than how it manifests in daily life but not putting it on (digital) paper would be denial of any problem.

For the last week I had trouble eating because I was sick. I didn’t want to weigh myself on Monday because I didn’t want to like the number. I did like the number, though, and as an extension of the sick week, I’m having trouble getting myself to eat this week.

First I just wasn’t hungry and I figured that I ought not eat when I wasn’t hungry. Then I was hungry with every intention of eating… in a few minutes. A few minutes turns into a few hours. This weekend I made a new policy. I have to eat before taking a shower. The policy was made out of necessity. You see, on weekends I don’t think to eat because I sleep in and then want to just get up and go about my day.

Generally I’ll eat some time in the afternoon. A few weeks ago, though, it was evening and I still hadn’t had anything to eat. Deciding to get something at the grocery store on my way out, I jumped in the shower. With an “Oh Shit” I prevented the inevitable and sat down before I fell down.

It wasn’t the first time I was curled up in the shower. I spent a lot of time sitting in my shower, just thinking, after the accident. It was the first time, though, that I did so out of necessity and not out of contemplation. Three times more it’s happened since then. Twice last week.

But I was sick, I told myself. So, what was my excuse on Monday for not eating. Um… I was twitterpated? Yes, but was I twitterpated enough to justify my 500 calorie day? No. And Tuesday? What’s my excuse for Tuesday? I don’t know what the stats for yesterday were but it was not enough.

This morning I got on the scale out of curiosity and saw that I had lost two pounds since Monday. Yeah, I like losing weight but I know that two pounds in two days is not good. Today is wrap day at work so I know that I’ll have a real lunch.

I didn’t really want to do this post today. I wanted to keep up with the happy-butterflies-and-rainbows posts because that’s how I feel, but this being my health and weight loss blog, I knew that I had to be honest with you all. My emotions are deeply tied in with my eating habits. The last ten months has not cured me of that.

While I am definitely feeling happy enough to burst, the accompanying uncertainty is telling. I spent the last several years battling and eventually winning against my anxiety but some of the habits and behavior patterns are still there. They are things that I have to be aware of and are being illuminated by this whole thing.

Some of what I’m feeling really is anxiety, I mean there are a lot of questions I have no idea how to answer.

How long do you have to wait before sending inappropriate text messages? Do I give forewarning that I’m just on this side of crazy or let him find out on his own? Does it send the wrong message if I tell him that I’d prefer to make out first and get dinner later? Which headband best exemplifies the whole “I’m innocent but not” thing I have going on? How do I explain those scars? When do things change from “We went on a date” to “We’re dating?” Dare I think ahead… When do I change the all important Facebook status?

Those are not rhetorical questions, go ahead and answer any of the above, please!

Leave a Comment

Laura Georgina October 13, 2010, 8:54 pm

I know how disturbing it can be to know you got to a number on the scale in a bad way… but still really like it. Just remind yourself that it's natural to feel that way but that winning the battle doesn't mean winning the war–and have a hot date with yourself at your fave food store so you have stuff you WANT to eat around.

As for the dating thing… they'll ALWAYS find out how crazy you are. And, chances are, they'll like you for it (says the girl who followed a boy in a car up and down Main Street, got out and ran into a store when he saw him, bought the first thing she saw and came out right as he was walking by, all "0h, fancy seeing you here!" Reader: I married the guy.)

Girly Girl: Losing the Gut October 13, 2010, 11:09 pm

When you are trying to lose weight and you are sick it is miserable. I just got over that. What an awful feeling. I hope you get better and keep up the good work!

jrouser October 13, 2010, 11:24 pm

omg, I love seeing the scale number go down. I do remind myself that it will go up in full force if I continue on the little food path. Its hard to sustain, and I hate the rinse and repeat cycle.

Its hard to hide the crazy, but I don't put it out there all at once. I just enjoy the moment and see where things go. Although, I am also a girl that has been with my boy for a year and a half and neither one of us has changed our FB profile to say "in a relationship" it doesn't say anything.

Lola October 14, 2010, 2:39 am

I WISH I COULD FORGET TO EAT. :o( WISH. But of course, that doesn't happen to me.

What does happen to me though is anxiety…so I get that. And, I say, don't forewarn, he'll find out. HELLO, we know and we don't even "know you" in real life. haha.

And, the inappropriate text messages??? Well, I think it would depend on how much he "got" your sense of humor on the date. I send all kind of inappropriate text messages HAHA but my husband knows I'm a little loco. :o)

MelissaNibbles October 14, 2010, 8:23 am

Forgetting to eat just doesn't happen. When I've done that in the past, I know I'm doing it, but I'm doing it to deal with other things. It sounds like you know that's what you're doing. Keep your head up, smile and move on. Today is another day and you can only live in the present. Be mindful and respectful of your body. You deserve it 🙂

Angela @ A Healthy Fit October 14, 2010, 4:06 pm

Hey Kendra- Not eating is just plain old not good. I know how you feel though. It feels good to lose weight and you want that to continue. You need to do it the healthy way though, that will make you feel even better.

On the dating stuff–that stuff will all work itself out! I say just be yourself and let the good times roll!

queerveganrunner October 14, 2010, 4:37 pm

This is such an honest post. Thank you for sharing. I know how disturbing it can be to know that the number on the scale has gone down due to being sick (I had mono after my frosh year and it totally tripped me up) or because of poor, unsustainable, eating habits.

As for the crazy…I just put it out there. I've gotten less crazy as the years have passed but there was a time when there was a common references to Mt. Crazy Aj.

Reply October 15, 2010, 6:49 pm

I would be happy to bottle up some of my appetite and send it to you!

All kidding aside, eating is a basic survival need and you need to treat it like such.

This may sound regimented, but it could help you to put in reminders on your phone for every few hours or on places like the bathroom mirror to remind you to eat.

Making it a point to be cognizant about getting your meals in will help…for example, you might be running early to walk and drive past your favorite smoothie spot. Go in, get one (though fight the urge to spike it!) and then stroll into work right on time, nourished and with no worries about spinach in your teeth…unless that is, you ordered a green monster tee hee hee…