This morning I woke up to an email. It wasn’t an email I expected to get but certainly one I needed to get. People were worried about me.

It’s come to my attention that I’ve been acting like an idiot. Both online and offline, I’ve made an ass out of myself more times than I can count. While I considered just plain shutting up and taking a break for a while, I think that would be more irresponsible than I’ve already been.

As bloggers, we become role models whether we like it or not. We are responsible for our words and what we communicate. For the past few months, I haven’t been careful about what I’ve been communicating. I’ve been hiding behind sarcasm and laughing things off. I’ve made light of very serious things because I couldn’t deal with the seriousness yet.

In my attempts to do a real, un-sugar coated, “here’s what this process looks like,” I turned it into cheap exhibitionism. I treated my own broken heart with a level of indelicacy and coldness that I would never show another person. Then in an attempt to just get past it, I made light of it. I wrote posts while my emotions were still raw and didn’t communicate what I had hoped. Most of those posts I didn’t even go back and read or edit before posting them because I couldn’t handle reading what I had just written.

If you can’t read what you’ve written, you shouldn’t make others do so.

I wrote those things because I felt an obligation to show the whole picture. I failed when I left it at that. I didn’t discuss the consequences of that full picture.

We need to look at what we’re communicating to our readers. Whether you post your meals and marathons, blog about fashion, write about your sex life, or even talk about white girl problems; as bloggers we must be aware of what message we’re sending both intentionally and unintentionally.

I appeared flippant about drinking too much and sleeping around. The reality was quite the opposite. I was worried about both so I talked about it. Unfortunately I couldn’t resist making jokes. I was trying to protect my ego, no; I was trying to protect my self esteem.

I keep going back and forth between telling honestly and matter-of-factly what actually took place, and just letting it go and moving on. I’m not sure which would be more constructive at this point, both for me and for my readers. I won’t do it today, though, because I’m going to try to take my own advice and not write about it while my emotions are still raw. (Yes, I realize that by writing this post at all I’m breaking that, but didn’t feel it was appropriate to not address it once I realized how things have looked.)

I’ve been a poor representative of both myself and Hollaback Health. I apologize to both my readers and my fellow Hollaback Girls. I went blatantly against the “Please Blog Responsibly” message that we stand for. I’m grateful, though, that it was them who cared enough about me to say, “Kendra, there’s a problem here.”

Leave a Comment

Bess February 4, 2011, 1:47 am


First off, I want to tell you that it takes a great deal of courage and maturity to write a post of this nature.

As both a blog and "in person" friend of yours, I admire your strength and all you have overcome in your life.

And while it is admirable that you want to share so much of yourself with your readers, as you said, whether we like it or not, us bloggers are viewed as role models. I can speak from personal experience when I say that it's hard sometimes when I want to post about a topic but also am aware that the subject may cause triggering thoughts in my readers. And more often than not, I err on the safe side of caution.

It may sound selfish but as your friend, in this case I am glad you were so candid because it raised some serious concerns and your friends want to help you through these situations, not enable you.

I know I am not alone in saying that you have a great group of girls with which you can discuss anything with via email, text, etc.

Anonymous February 4, 2011, 2:19 am

Hang in there Kendra. Your honesty is always appreciated!

Laura Georgina February 4, 2011, 3:12 pm

So. Well. Said. No need for me to add more–you've said it all.

I agree with Bess in that there's a really fine line between writing openly to help people and writing in a way that triggers behavior in others, and it can be difficult to find that when writing about really raw, emotional stuff.

You are such a tough girl. Keep your chin up–stuff WILL get better.

queerveganrunner February 4, 2011, 9:02 pm

You know I care about you and it's good to hear that you're concerned about some of what you've been posting. Your lack of defensiveness is amazing…and to me very symbolic of your strength as a person.

Angela February 16, 2011, 3:18 am

Here's the thing: What you're going through is sooo normal for someone who has been sexually abused (and I was as well). I was practically a nun, and then once I let myself fall for a boy and have sex, I couldn't stop. I wanted it ALL of the time. And I had it. A lot. I didn't think about my own health at all.

It would be really easy for me or for anyone to say, Kendra, don't you get that you're not being very bright right now? But the truth is, no one can tell you things like that. You have to go through it – you have to make your own mistakes (and again, not saying that in a harsh way), to learn.

I'm not saying that this is the right path to take, I'm just saying that you're not alone in it.