I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the ways that weight loss changes you. Actually, it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been changing and how weight loss has been a part of that. I don’t know which of the changes can be directly attributed to weight loss, how many are from getting older, and how many are completely random. It isn’t that simple.
But… now I’m stuck. I’m on the fence. I’m getting nowhere.
This perpetually opinionated girl can’t make up her mind. I’m torn between everything I’ve always wanted and realizing that I might not want that anymore. No matter the choice I make, someone who loves me will be disappointed. I don’t make decisions without being cognizant of the consequences and while I can’t make decisions based on how others will feel, I can’t ignore what I stand to lose.
Relationships will change, friendships will change, and I will change. I have changed.
It wasn’t by standing on the fence that I lost 50lbs (so far). I took that sucker by the horns and did it hardcore. The only exception was the few months that I worked multiple jobs and I did half-ass it then and… well… you all saw my (lack of) progress.
So, what the fuck am I talking about now? I have no desire to live the Christian life any longer.
Uh oh… she just brought up religion… this is going to get uncomfortable…
Let’s face it; I haven’t exactly been a saint for the past few months so surely this comes as no surprise. I felt abandoned by God long ago and I held on for a few years but I’m sick of it. Would you keep chasing after something for four years if it was only causing you pain and emptiness? If this were a romance, you’d call me a stupid girl and shake your head at me. Well, I’ve chased, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, and now I’m done.
Actually, I’ve been done for quite some time but thinking I might be making the wrong choice, I’ve kept myself from doing anything I would regret if I did change my mind. I’ve been living on the fence. I’ve been stuck in limbo. As good as I am at limbo (no really, I can do a wicked backbend), it sucks.
It’s kept me from making decisions. It’s made me a weak blogger. It’s made me half assed.
It’s been a long term problem too. I double majored and double minored in college because I couldn’t acknowledge what I really wanted to do and what I really wanted my life to be like. I kept one major because I couldn’t let go of the idea of it. When I actually realized what my life would be like I knew I didn’t really want it but leaving the major meant leaving a community and leaving a life dream.
I’m not that girl, though. I’m wouldn’t make a good missionary (I know!) and I don’t want to be. I am one hell of an entertainer, though. From ballet, to musical theatre, to opera, to blogging, that’s what I do.
So, I’m getting off the fence. I’m taking off my purity ring (I mean, what does it tell you that it’s missing a diamond and cracked, anyway). I’m finding the new life.
Ohhhh, you say, is this all about sex? No, it’s about no longer making decisions out of fear. I have a feeling that the regret of the wrong decision will be much less painful than the paralysis of the fear and inability to make decisions. I guess I’ll find out.
And, maybe there will be sex…