I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the ways that weight loss changes you. Actually, it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been changing and how weight loss has been a part of that. I don’t know which of the changes can be directly attributed to weight loss, how many are from getting older, and how many are completely random. It isn’t that simple.

But… now I’m stuck. I’m on the fence. I’m getting nowhere.

This perpetually opinionated girl can’t make up her mind. I’m torn between everything I’ve always wanted and realizing that I might not want that anymore. No matter the choice I make, someone who loves me will be disappointed. I don’t make decisions without being cognizant of the consequences and while I can’t make decisions based on how others will feel, I can’t ignore what I stand to lose.

Relationships will change, friendships will change, and I will change. I have changed.

It wasn’t by standing on the fence that I lost 50lbs (so far). I took that sucker by the horns and did it hardcore. The only exception was the few months that I worked multiple jobs and I did half-ass it then and… well… you all saw my (lack of) progress.

So, what the fuck am I talking about now? I have no desire to live the Christian life any longer.

Uh oh… she just brought up religion… this is going to get uncomfortable…

Let’s face it; I haven’t exactly been a saint for the past few months so surely this comes as no surprise. I felt abandoned by God long ago and I held on for a few years but I’m sick of it. Would you keep chasing after something for four years if it was only causing you pain and emptiness? If this were a romance, you’d call me a stupid girl and shake your head at me. Well, I’ve chased, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, and now I’m done.

Actually, I’ve been done for quite some time but thinking I might be making the wrong choice, I’ve kept myself from doing anything I would regret if I did change my mind. I’ve been living on the fence. I’ve been stuck in limbo. As good as I am at limbo (no really, I can do a wicked backbend), it sucks.

It’s kept me from making decisions. It’s made me a weak blogger. It’s made me half assed.

It’s been a long term problem too. I double majored and double minored in college because I couldn’t acknowledge what I really wanted to do and what I really wanted my life to be like. I kept one major because I couldn’t let go of the idea of it. When I actually realized what my life would be like I knew I didn’t really want it but leaving the major meant leaving a community and leaving a life dream.

I’m not that girl, though. I’m wouldn’t make a good missionary (I know!) and I don’t want to be. I am one hell of an entertainer, though. From ballet, to musical theatre, to opera, to blogging, that’s what I do.

So, I’m getting off the fence. I’m taking off my purity ring (I mean, what does it tell you that it’s missing a diamond and cracked, anyway). I’m finding the new life.

Ohhhh, you say, is this all about sex? No, it’s about no longer making decisions out of fear. I have a feeling that the regret of the wrong decision will be much less painful than the paralysis of the fear and inability to make decisions. I guess I’ll find out.

And, maybe there will be sex…

Leave a Comment

Mary (A Merry Life) November 18, 2010, 8:19 pm

I totally, totally get this. Lately I came to the same conclusions but I'm still partially on the fence, mostly because all my friends and family are very religious. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm right? Does it matter that all I ever felt was guilt and fear with religion and felt free without it? Does that matter? I'm still very much in the place where I'm still not sure of my own opinions.

queerveganrunner November 19, 2010, 12:18 am

I know the struggle. I was raised without much religion – or with lots of many religions – and Jewish Day school and Hebrew school were somewhat accidental. I rebelled and became religious. Not for the religion but because I longed to fit in someplace and have somewhere where I had to be accepted no matter what (and I was lucky to have na experience of religion in which this was the case…I know many religious experiences are quite the opposite). But I moved away from religion by replacing one community with another and in coming out realized why I had never felt like I had fit in. Wherever your spiritual journey takes you, it is a journey worth taking. I've learned so much about myself and my beliefs and I've just begun to grasp the enormity of what I don't know…

And I hope it includes sex. Because it's fun.

Katie November 19, 2010, 12:25 am

If you made the decision 100% for you then it has to be good. I signed a chastity pledge at a really young age where I thing I didn't grasp exactly what I was saying. Um, I changed my mind and while there was some guilt at the time, growing up helps. We grow up, we change. If we didn't… oh man, what would the world be like?! (Haven't had any internet access at home lately soo lack of commenting).

Laura Georgina November 19, 2010, 12:52 am

Aw, giiiirl! It's a hard time to go through, but it's equally exhilarating. Just go with your feeling and don't question yourself too much (unless things are about to get criminal)–you know yourself better than you think you do and just because you stop thinking of your values in such a narrow way doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

Not that you asked for all that… but I remember feeling that way (not in terms of religion, but more life/career stuff). And I'm SO proud of you for being so open (with us and with yourself)… And now I'll stop being embarrassing.

Anonymous November 19, 2010, 12:58 am

This is Emily. I'm in the same place in some ways. Part of me wants to give up and say "screw it" because for a long time, keeping up my spiritual life has felt like having a heavy burden of chores, and I'm just done with that. But at the same time, I know it's true, and I remember what it was like in the past to be close to God, and how I knew in those times that knowing Him and worshipping Him was IT – it is the only kind of life worth living because it's what we were created for. Something else I want to say is that I think you have a skewed view of what your life as a Christian is "supposed" to look like. You don't have to be a missionary, you don't have to put up a front of wanting to go into full-time ministry, you don't have to be demure. Those are lies that you have bought into. God made you the way you are – giddy, lavish, an entertainer, etc. – for a purpose, and He is pleased in you, just as you are!!!!! Lately, I've had a lot of trouble thinking that God could possibly love me because I've been constantly turning my back on Him. If you come to this point, remember Jesus' story: "The father saw his lost son, and in his joy, he picked up the skirts of his robe, ran to him, and embraced him." God meets us where we are and finds joy in accepting us.

Anonymous November 19, 2010, 1:28 am

Living "the Christian life" without living in love with Christ isn't the way it's supposed to be. It's too hard for anyone and there's no joy in that. I agree with Emily – He made you with the talents and desires you have, not what someone else things you should be. – Jennifer

Bess @ I Dream of Greenie November 19, 2010, 1:29 am

What a wonderful post and thanks for sharing with us!

I was raised Jewish but have been secular for about 6 years and personally feel so much more in control of my happiness…not to mention that I now know that guilt and regret are wasted emotions…wish somebody would have told me that years ago!

I like to say when people ask me about my religious beliefs that "I believe in myself." As cheesy as it might sound at first read, having the confidence and commitment to live your life without the fear of being judged is so much more rewarding (oh and of course fun…and a little scandalous 🙂 )

alwaysaby November 19, 2010, 2:12 am

Good for you! I went a very long time holding on to a lot of things (educational, religious, career, etc) that I really wasn't sure about anymore. It felt really good when I just started to let go and explore how I really felt, and what I really wanted. You might have to remind yourself many, many times why it is that you're letting go, especially in the face of criticism, but it's so worth it!

greekmelie November 19, 2010, 6:43 pm

I just wanted to let you know that this is a very personal and touching post. And that I sincerely feel for you and with you. I believe that every one of us has faced or will face similar decisions and no matter how hard it is to make them, in the end we emerge better and stronger people and more "ourselves".

And I agree with AJ, sex is fun. Well, I know I am becoming boring. I always agree with AJ 😛

pcos532 November 20, 2010, 6:30 am

It's okay. I dabbled in Episcopalianism in High School. We all dabbled.