Sitting in my car, it’s been a half hour since I parked. I don’t want to get out. It’s raining. A LOT. I wonder if I can wait it out and see if the rain will die down or if I will freeze to death in my car if I sit there for five more minutes. The latter is more likely.

I take a deep breath as if I was about to dunk into the water, which feels accurate, and make a run for it. Inside my apartment I do a happy dance because of the warmth.

I collapse on my bed with a huff and eye the laundry strewn across my floor. Most of the clothing is too big and it’s hard to find motivation to wash it. I smile that this is a problem. Life is… hard? HA!

I’m having one of those moments of wanting something but not knowing what. I want to change everything but can’t think of why. A bubble bath seems in order. It’s hard not to be inordinately happy in the bath. I mean, baths are such a perfect creation. Warm water and good smelling bubbles make every thing better. It’s hard not to smile when I see my toes peeking out with their ridiculous sparkly red nail polish. Something about my toes always makes me giggle. Maybe it’s that three of them are crooked.

I’m wondering if I’ll be courageous to make the changes to my life that I want to. I’d like to move into Seattle proper. I wonder if that means I’ll have to give up my car. I’ve been looking at my budget and planning. It’s the first time I’ve actually looked into the logistics of such a thing.

It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been courageous. Courage has been growing inside me over the last few months and I can see it starting to bloom.

The risks that once made me nauseous just thinking about them now make me a little giddy. I’ve already changed my life, though, so it seems less risky this time. I already don’t recognize myself when I catch my reflection in the mirror that a store. I did a literal double take on Wednesday. My face has thinned so much that I honestly was surprised by my appearance.

Maybe the girl I see in the mirror does have the courage to make changed, take risks, and get the things she wants. Maybe I can internalize that girl and let her take the reigns.

Leave a Comment

Sava October 15, 2010, 11:46 pm

There is nothing quite like that rush of relief and warmth when you come in from the cold.

Luckily my college keeps the halls nice and toasty so I can warm up after being chilled to the bone outside.

SeattleRunnerGirl October 16, 2010, 9:24 pm

No MAYBES about it, Kendra. You ARE the girl who has courage to change, take risks, and live the life you want. You CAN let that woman inside you take the reins and live your best life. Believe in yourself and anything is possible!

MsGigglepuss October 17, 2010, 7:21 am

Yes, you do have the courage to change and take those risks. I so know those feelings of wanting something but not being able to pinpoint what it is or how to begin to get it. You'll figure it out and You CAN accomplish anything you want!

Jennifer October 17, 2010, 9:43 pm

I really loved this post Kendra, and you DO have the courage to change and take risks.

jrouser October 18, 2010, 7:09 pm

Rock on with your bad self. Change is so invigorating! And I gave up my car when I moved into San Francisco proper, it was a lot easier then I thought it would be.