Sitting in my car, it’s been a half hour since I parked. I don’t want to get out. It’s raining. A LOT. I wonder if I can wait it out and see if the rain will die down or if I will freeze to death in my car if I sit there for five more minutes. The latter is more likely.
I take a deep breath as if I was about to dunk into the water, which feels accurate, and make a run for it. Inside my apartment I do a happy dance because of the warmth.
I collapse on my bed with a huff and eye the laundry strewn across my floor. Most of the clothing is too big and it’s hard to find motivation to wash it. I smile that this is a problem. Life is… hard? HA!
I’m having one of those moments of wanting something but not knowing what. I want to change everything but can’t think of why. A bubble bath seems in order. It’s hard not to be inordinately happy in the bath. I mean, baths are such a perfect creation. Warm water and good smelling bubbles make every thing better. It’s hard not to smile when I see my toes peeking out with their ridiculous sparkly red nail polish. Something about my toes always makes me giggle. Maybe it’s that three of them are crooked.
I’m wondering if I’ll be courageous to make the changes to my life that I want to. I’d like to move into Seattle proper. I wonder if that means I’ll have to give up my car. I’ve been looking at my budget and planning. It’s the first time I’ve actually looked into the logistics of such a thing.
It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been courageous. Courage has been growing inside me over the last few months and I can see it starting to bloom.
The risks that once made me nauseous just thinking about them now make me a little giddy. I’ve already changed my life, though, so it seems less risky this time. I already don’t recognize myself when I catch my reflection in the mirror that a store. I did a literal double take on Wednesday. My face has thinned so much that I honestly was surprised by my appearance.
Maybe the girl I see in the mirror does have the courage to make changed, take risks, and get the things she wants. Maybe I can internalize that girl and let her take the reigns.