Oh hi there Kendra, we need to talk.

Remember how once upon a time you actually did a little something called a workout? Remember how good that used to feel? I mean, except for when you were running drunk, that was a bad idea. Don’t do that again.

Maybe you need a little reminder of what physical exertion feels like or maybe you just need a swift kick in the ass. Either way, you really need to get to the gym. Do strength training, go running, do whatever you friggin feel like doing but really, get off your lazy ass and get your heart rate up. You have no excuse, you aren’t sick anymore.

Oh, and can we also talk about the shit you’ve been eating… and what you haven’t been eating? Tomatoes don’t make a meal, nor does a cup of tea even if it has half and half in it. You might lose weight by not eating but you’re going to look like Night of the Living Dead while doing it. You’re also not going to be able to maintain it or keep any muscle. You might weigh less but you won’t look any better.

When you do eat, by the way, a grilled ham and cheese sandwich made with white bread and American cheese is not a proper meal either. It’s especially bad when you accompany it with a Vanilla Coke. I know that you love that liquid crack but that shit is what got you where you started.

Let’s try something, shall we? How about you get up at a reasonable time, make some eggs for breakfast, do some stuff on the computer, have some lentil chili for lunch, be productive for the afternoon, go to the gym, and then go have dinner with your mom because she cooks healthy stuff too. How about we try something like that, hmm?

You’re tired, I get it. It’s understandable with the severely low iron levels you’re currently sporting. Maybe we should do something about that too. We took the first step by switching birth control to something that hopefully will stop the bleeding, and looks like it’s doing so. Now let’s take those iron supplements again as well. Ferrous Gluconate doesn’t have a bad impact on your stomach and you just happen to have two bottles of it.

Maybe we’ll get some Vitamin D in there too since Seattle doesn’t seem to get that it’s residents need sun to get it. Remember how your doctor told you to take it a few months ago? Yeah, you failed. Try again.

I mean, I’m not even telling you to put down the vodka because, god knows, that’s not going to happen.

 You can handle this. You’ve done it before, been on track, gotten your groove on, what have you… You know how much better it makes you feel.

We’ve come this far and you’re doing great. You’ve accomplished things you didn’t imagine you could. If this were a Disney Channel movie you’d definitely be the over paid and spoiled child star who would go on to smoke pot, shave her head, and streak across Hollywood Blvd before going to rehab and coming out a totally better person for it all. Wait… Um, not quite where I was going with that. I mean, I know you’re kind of a klepto but you’ve never been that extreme.

My point is, you’re kind of a champ. Losing 68lbs is no small feat. You still have a long way to go but you’re doing so well. Now, let’s just get back on track with a few things. Take a few breaths, do some relaxation exercises, remember that the sky is not falling, and do some sit-ups.

Lastly, remember that no matter what’s going on in your life right now, you’ve been through worse and harder situations. You will get through this and move on to bigger and better things. Things won’t always be complicated, life won’t always be about the size of your ass, and hardships won’t always be present. In the words of Martha from The Secret Garden (the musical), “It’s this day, not you, that’s bound to go away.”

Let’s get back in this game the right way.

This is what I would say to me if I were an objective observer. Sometimes we just need to write a letter to ourselves as said observer. Apparently I, as an objective observer, am still highly sarcastic. What, like that’s surprising?

Sometimes it’s healthy to step back and look at the entirety of a situation and narrate it to yourself.

If you were to write such a letter to yourself, what would you say? Is your objective observer a bitch like mine? If so, we should be friends.

Oh, and I have a feeling this title is going to get me some very interesting google search terms. I shall giggle.

Leave a Comment