I woke up this morning with heavy limbs. I felt like I just couldn’t move an inch. I let my alarm go off for far too long before it finally shut itself off while I tried to pretend that I didn’t actually have to force myself out of bed. I wondered if I ought to resort to flinging myself out of bed like I used to but thought better of it because I probably wouldn’t be able to catch myself with the level of lassitude I felt.
So I grabbed my phone and checked my email.
I decided that my coworkers would understand if I smelled a bit like I hadn’t showered for two days and let myself lay in bed for the twenty minutes I usually spend in the shower. Sorry coworkers.
I then realized that I had to process this whole thing.
It’s true that not doing so is helping me get things done but it’s also making me sick. The weight of the emotions I’m holding in really is making me sick. So I guess it’s time to acknowledge what I went through last week and the loss.
But I can’t.
You see, I have dancing and drinking to do tomorrow night, funeral arrangements to take care of on Saturday, more dancing and drinking to do on Saturday night, and trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do about my complicated boy situation that is ongoing.
So you see; there’s just too much on my plate to me to actually have feelings. Feelings make my judgment shaky.
I’d rather just go running.
And while I should probably just be dealing with this offline, I think you all know me well enough to know that I don’t have the ability to keep my shit offline. Yes, I am a certified attention whore.
Honestly, all I really want, though, is a strong drink and an even stronger hug. No, I lie. It’s not just a hug that I want but I don’t think it’s healthy to use sex for the numbing of grief. It was cute in High Fidelity but maybe not so much in real life.
I do have a few confessions to make while I’m here.
1. I haven’t been eating. I just can’t. I feel too sick. I mean, I’ve been eating a meal here and there but nothing consistent.
2. I’m tired of being around my family. I just want my friends. I want to get away from the emotions of others and be around those who are happy.
3. I don’t want to work… or do much of anything but dance.
4. I’m trying to fight the urge to use someone to make me feel better. I know that it would help me but it would really hurt them in the process. I’m not a very good person sometimes.
5. I’m afraid to drink because I’m afraid I won’t stop. I haven’t really drunk much of anything since New Years. I want to because I like drinking but I’m afraid that I already don’t really have complete control right now. Still, rum sounds really good…
6. I don’t want to talk about it or answer questions about how I’m feeling. I feel shitty, okay? We’re done, let’s talk about you.
Long time lurker here and I love your blog. I wanted to send you virtual hugs. I think dancing is a very good idea.