So, once upon a time I wrote like three versions of a post about how I decided to do self-waxing at home because I didn’t want some strange woman ripping hair out of my girl parts. I deleted the first one because it was boring. I deleted the second one because I wrote it while I was somewhat drunk. I deleted the third one because it kind of made me sound like an alcoholic.
I’m lying, I actually have the third draft and despite the confession of copious amounts of wine consumed, I’m probably going to post it soon because it was hilarious. And really, is drinking two bottles of wine so that you can bear waxing yourself so wrong*?
Apparently it actually is because it thins the blood and makes you bleed more*.
All of that aside, I eventually learned to wax myself (and do most other things in life) sober so people stopped worrying that I might become an alcoholic. Now I can start making drinking jokes again.
Because, really? Alcohol jokes are hilarious.
Hairy legs are not.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Finally.
Before I discovered boys, I was kind of hairy. Sometimes I tried to tweeze my eyebrows but that usually turned out poorly. I still have a scar from one of those incidents but it blends in well with my eyebrow piercing scars so it’s okay.
As soon as The Boy asked me out, it was like a switch flipped and my hippie-esque, don’t care, hairy ways suddenly seemed completely unacceptable. As more boys came in and out of my life, I started to notice a pattern. The more I liked them, the more hairless I’d be.
(Note: all of the rest of this post was thought up before I started waxing all the things. It’s technically no longer relevant because I’ve now become neurotic about hairlessness for my own sake.)
Like, if he was just someone I was going out with because I couldn’t afford groceries that night and he asked me out to dinner? Nothing’s getting shaved and I’m not even going to bother looking at my eyebrows. Such was the life of the unemployed.
Then again, if I kind of like him but don’t really think I’m that into him, I’ll probably go ahead and make sure my eyebrows are properly waxed. Still, I’m really not going to take the effort and risk razor burn on my underarms for him.
I admit it; I go out without shaved underarms or shaved legs. I’m from Seattle. We’re all distant relatives of Sasquatch anyway.
So, here’s the pattern I noticed (Note: despite my complete and utter laziness about hair removal, I always have makeup properly done and clean hair. There are, in fact, limits to even my laziness).
The Hairless Scale
Level 0 Like – Not a Damn Thing: It’s really bad news when I don’t even feel like grooming my eyebrows for a boy. This has happened toward the end of two of my relationships and it was a pretty good indication that I really didn’t care enough to be in those relationships anymore.
Level 1 Like – Eyebrow Grooming: Any boy who fell into this category was pretty quickly friend zoned. A few of my guy friends started here and then became good friends. These are boys who really never have a prayer of seeing anything else. I like them but I’m not in like with them.
Level 2 Like – Underarms: This was my default for quite a while. Since I was going out in tank tops it made sense to shave my underarms when I wasn’t feeling too lazy but since I wasn’t going out in skirts, I wasn’t going to bother with my legs. It’s really almost the same as the eyebrow only category.
Level 3 Like – Legs: Now I probably want to be seen naked sometime in the near future. Whether this level has more to do with like or lust depends on the person. But if I’m going to shave my legs, it’s for a purpose.
Level 4 Like – Lower Stomach: I like them, probably quite a bit. I have very little hair on my lower stomach but the idea of it being seen and noticed bugs me enough to remove it. This is the level where I’ll start dressing up a little more too. Note: I still won’t try to make my hair look any less messy than is its natural state. There is no one I like enough for that.
Level 5 Like – The Girl Parts: I’ve done this for one person. Ever. I was kind of in love.
Level 6 Like – My big Toe: This is where I just get neurotic and feel a sense of MUST BE PERFECT! Frankly, if a guy is going to pay much attention to my toes, he isn’t my type anyway. Regardless, every once in a while I have a moment of wanting to be as perfect as possible and my toes get assaulted with hot wax and/or a razor.
So, just in case you didn’t already know how crazy I was, here is irrefutable evidence. Seriously, though, I know I’m not the only one out there who has a scale of what they’re willing to do for how much they like someone. Please, share yours so we can justify the lunacy!
*Really, don’t EVER do this. It was such a bad idea on so many levels and drinking while playing with hot wax is dangerous and kind of stupid.