Confession: I’m still struggling to eat. Somehow, as I’m trying to reach out to my family for accountability, they don’t see it as a problem. They tell me that it’s better than if I were gaining weight again. They’re missing the point. Whether weight gain or loss is the result, disordered eating is never a good thing.

On Friday night I decided to take advantage of my empty stomach and get tipsy on less alcohol that is usually necessary. It was a money saving measure, I decided. After that, a hilarious series of unfortunate events occurred.

So, I got to the club earlier than usual and got a drink. The dance floor wasn’t open yet but I was taking the opportunity to sit, drink, and absorb the atmosphere before searching for the person I was going to meet up with. I went into the bathroom to check my makeup and appearance and decided that my right bra strap was a little loose. I started to tighten it and… it snapped.

Yes, my bra strap just snapped and I had no tools to do anything about it. I stood, wide eyed with shock staring in the mirror before bursting out laughing.

“Well, I know what I’m doing tomorrow,” I thought, “bra shopping!”

Then it occurred too me that I had to do something about the situation tonight so that it would possibly, hopefully, go unnoticed. Remembering that the large bathroom had things like safety pins, mouth wash, lotion, and other little goodies, I made a beeline for the other room.

Unfortunately I was stopped by an unsympathetic bouncer who told me that that area was still closed. I told him that I just needed something from the bathroom but he said that except for coat check, no one could go in that room. I plead my case, telling him that I just needed something from that bathroom but he stood his ground, laughing at me. If he hadn’t been so damn good looking it would have been infuriating!

When he told me for the last time that I could only enter that area if I was going to coat check, I blurted out, “I can’t check my coat until I get a safety pin, I had a wardrobe malfunction!!” In response to which he laughed at me again and told me I had to wait until 11:00pm. Douche.

I ran upstairs and found my favorite bartender, whined to her, and asked if she had any safety pins. She rifled through some things and found one.

Thanking her and promising her my first child, I ran back downstairs to the bathroom to pin myself in place. The fucking safety pin was too flimsy, though. It bent and then broke while I was trying to stab it through the fabric. I jumped up and down in expiration before remembering that I was not properly supported and should not do such a thing.

After some thought, I managed to maneuver things into place in such a way that the strap would stay together for the night. Success! I then took off my coat, walked past the bouncer to coat check, and gave him a half smiling dirty look on the way there. After all that I of course needed another drink.

The night progressed with lots of giggling, a few tipsy texting incidents, getting yelled at a few more times by a few of the bouncers, and finally finding my friend. As I told you all about a month ago, I do what I’m told. This is especially true then the voice of authority is blaring from the speakers telling this Shorty to get low. So, this Shorty did get low… and then this Shorty got stuck.

Shit man, I spent nine years perfecting my plies and grand plies and this shit should not be happening. I went low and I couldn’t bounce back. I managed to use the crevices in the wall to pull myself up with my arm strength while making it look that I was staying low for a long time on purpose.

Ah yes, and we come full circle back to the problem of not eating enough. There is no reason why I shouldn’t have the leg strength to get back up. I’ve been much less steady on my feet and much more tired and done so without any problems.

So, if for no other reason, I’ve got to get enough to eat to prevent that hot mess from happening again. On that note, let’s talk goals.

This Week’s Goals

Eat! I won’t expect perfection again right away but I will try to get as close as possible to my old eating schedule.

Back to the gym: I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. Last week was really busy but still, that’s just an excuse. I think I’ll go for getting there twice since I do have plans for a few evenings this week.

Budget: This summer I found myself no longer scraping the bottom of the barrel for money, which means I also found myself shopping way more than necessary just because I could. I’m trying to make some major changes, though, so this week I’m putting myself on a “no impulse purchase” leash. Then I’ll look at how much I really need to spend on things and make decisions accordingly.

Have you ever had any awkward wardrobe malfunctions? Please tell me all the details! What are your goals for the week?

PS. I realize that I am, in fact, far too white to be calling myself Shorty.