A long time ago I wrote about taking risks and how I don’t actually take the risk on the things that are really important to me. Apparently this is still true.

The things that are worth fighting for are the things that I won’t fight for.

Last week I was talking to my mom and she said something that I’ve been thinking about since. “You get to the point where you’re about to get what you want, you sabotage yourself without realizing it, and then you talk about it incessantly.”

Harsh? Not really. I prefer statements like this to softer ones that don’t really get to the point. It’s direct and it makes me think. Oh, and it’s correct. Yet, it did kind of hurt.

My only defense to this statement was that I’m a vocal processor and I have to talk things out or I just don’t get it. Incidentally, I spend a lot of time talking to myself…

If I didn’t I wouldn’t have any friends left.

While at the moment we were talking about that certain someone, this is true in every area of my life. I somehow manage to mysteriously become sick just before auditions. I get a little frantic every time that certain someone and I start to be closer until he pulls back again. I stop losing weight because I’m dealing with other issues. I say never mind to pursuing certain jobs I really want because I don’t feel fully qualified despite the fact that I am.

I am the common denominator here.

I am what’s wrong in all of these situations.

I have a fear that the bottom will always drop out so I mess things up before that can happen. I’m always waiting for the next bomb to drop. Once upon a time this was a well placed fear. The bottom did so often drop out, but I’m not in that place anymore. I’m not that child anymore. I’m an adult making adult decisions. I’m the master of my own life.

Aren’t we oh so “motivational speaker” today…

As I walked this morning I thought a lot about what she said and about the things I’ve given up out of fear. The list is sadly long. Yet, it’s heartening to realize that I’m the cause of this because it means that I don’t have to fail. Failure is only inevitable if I make it so.

Yes, sometimes things are out of our control but I think that those things are much more few and far between than we generally believe. Perhaps it’s time to simply acknowledge those things, how I’ve screwed them up, and change my behavior accordingly. The pattern is obvious when I look as an objective observer.

And how do we change?

One day at a time. One conversation at a time. One action at a time.

I have to stop thinking about the repercussions of everything I do and say and simply act. I have to stop thinking of what people will think of my resume and send it out, what people will think of my performance during an audition and just do it, what will happen if I have that conversation with that certain someone, what my skin will look like at the end of weight loss, how people will react to me if I’m not the fat girl anymore, etc. This list could go on for miles.

Learning to make a decision, act, and take a risk might be the greatest challenge of my life. Learning to not fear the consequence of every decision is hard but it’s what I need to work on right now.

Yes, understanding that every action comes with a consequence, good or bad, is certainly not a bad thing but becoming paralyzed by the idea of what that consequence might be is bad. Changing this will take time. There will be no miraculous change here. I’m not looking to walk on water, just to be able to walk.

So I’m taking those first steps. I’m back to healthy eating. I’m about to have that conversation with my certain someone. I’m applying for those jobs that scare me. I’m finding courage.

Don’t worry, tomorrow will be much more light hearted, we’re talking about tequila!

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