Anxiety has been one of the great plagues of my life. It poisons everything.
Last night I lay in bed thinking about my current struggle with anxiety and how it’s been eating at me to the point where I’m just trying to pass time again. “Get through this moment and the next” has been my focus for too many weeks.
While that strategy got me through some of the hardest times in my life, it’s no way to live in the long run. In fact, it really sucks.
Last night I also took the first steps to getting that sucker back under control. I already feel so much better. So, what did I do? I wrote, of course. I asked myself, “What am I afraid of?” “What was the situation?” “What can I do now?”
I approached the situation as an observer, not as an interested party. As it turns out, my logical side is stronger than my emotional side when I let it flex its muscles. It also turns out that I have the same fear I’ve always had. I’m afraid that the bottom’s going to fall out.
I was once told that children of alcoholics have this problem and that it’s a part of codependency. I don’t know if that was true or not but it seems to be the case for me. The one constant fear I’ve always had is that all good things will fall apart. Unfortunately, sometimes that fear causes things to fall apart.
I have a feeling that fighting this fear will be the defining fight of my life. It’s much stronger than my battle to lose weight, that’s for sure.
Interestingly, when I gave myself permission to ignore that fear for weight loss, I actually started losing weight. Almost a year in, I’m still successful. I’m still losing weight. Things have not fallen apart. In fact, nothing in my life has fallen apart in a very long time.
But doesn’t that mean that my luck will run out soon?
That is the question that the scared little girl in me still asks. That is the question that I battle in every area of my life. That is the cause of the anxiety.
Anxiety is the end of happiness. I’m convinced that this is true.
Confession: Anxiety has even been keeping me from keeping up with my training runs properly. I’m terrified of the long intervals that are coming up ahead. I’m afraid that I can’t do it. I’m also afraid of the pain that comes from learning to push myself. It makes me want to say “fuck it, I’m not doing this.” I’m not giving up, though, and I will push through. It will hurt, it might even suck, but this is one more way that I can prove to myself that I can do things and that failure isn’t inevitable.
You know, I could say that this isn’t fair and that I didn’t choose this fight. I didn’t choose it, but I’m in it and I am determined to beat it.
I know that I’m not alone, we all fight some battle that we certainly didn’t choose. Whether it be physical issue, emotional, or whatever; we all have our fight. I’d really like to hear back from you about your fight and how you’re going about it.
Exactly. You know exactly what to do. Feelings are not facts and you have to have a "Just the facts m'am" attitude with anxiety. Now, if only I could take my own medicine!