It’s Friday and it’s time to wrap this sucker up. This last installment in the history of me is the two years between the accident and the start of this blog. Despite the fact that my first post was on December 31, this was not a new year’s resolution blog. It was started on December 19 as a “It’s been two years, lets do something about this” sort of thing. I just happened to actually write my first post a little later. In honor of that sentiment, let’s finish this story and get back to the present.
After the accident I went back to school within two months. I thought it was best to just move on and keep myself occupied. I ignored the pain, doctor’s instructions, my better instincts, and pretty much everything that didn’t fit into my manic “I HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT!” mentality. I tried to keep using the injured limbs and a few weeks later was so weak in my right arm that I dropped a bookshelf I was lifting. It fell on my foot and broke it. Way to add insult to injury… and injury to injury.
After that I tried to keep pushing but one day just gave up. I stopped going to class, work, meals, etc. I just sat. I stopped eating but somehow still gained weight. This is why I will never believe that weight loss is just a matter of calories in/calories out. Your body will compensate if you are not treating it right.
That summer I went back to the hospital because of complications and stayed for two weeks. After that I went back to Seattle, started therapy, physical therapy, massage therapy, and came up with a “get better game plan.” I went back to school in the fall, supposedly all better. Again it all got to me and I just stopped… again. I gained more weight again. Before the accident I had been down to around 235lbs. I don’t know where I was now but a few months after I went home I found out that I was 291lbs. Ouch.
I didn’t go to class once that semester. I still laugh when I remember what was able to get me out of my head and back into the real world. I decided to get off my literary high horse and read the Harry Potter books. I am literally blushing as I type this. I don’t know why it’s still embarrassing to admit but it is. My friend dragged me to this lecture on the themes, symbols, and literary references in Harry Potter and I only went because I wanted to make fun of the people there. I left and started the books the next day. (I’m still blushing).
Something resonated with me. I got up. I went back to work. I worked for two weeks before I ran out of gas and money and was still waiting on a paycheck. I snuck on the Los Angeles Metro for the next two weeks (which was really fun, no I’m not being sarcastic… I pretended I was a spy) until I received a paycheck and then drove home. For about three months I didn’t leave my room. My pain had gotten worse than it had ever been and I could only walk for a few minutes before I felt like crying.
I got a bus pass, though, and decided to go somewhere once a week. It didn’t matter where but I had to go somewhere. Then it was twice a week. I start tutoring in math and had a little money so I would go more places. Twice turned into three times a week and then I kept increasing until I left every day. After taking care of my stepmother post shoulder surgery I was offered a job as a caregiver. I took it knowing that I would hate it. It was exhausting but having a task made me work through the pain… and consume a bottle of Aleve a week… A few months later I was offered another job (where I am now) and I loved it. I stopped care giving for the most part (I kept one client because I really liked the family) and worked part time at the other job. It was less stressful and I had an amazing manager (Fearless Leader) who became a friend and mentor to me. She totally changed my outlook.
One day we were talking about my weight issues and she just told me, “It’s okay; everyone has their thing, that’s yours. When you’re ready, you’ll take care of it.” It was totally matter of fact and nonjudgmental. I have never encountered that attitude before. It occurred to me that she was right.
Shortly after I was offered a second job which I took and started the crazy schedule I’m periodically on now. It was when this happened that I knew I was ready to address the weight situation. All of the solitude and bus rides helped me think through so much and address many of the problems that caused my weight gain. I started massage therapy again and my pain was amazingly reduced.
I took a few months to process some of those things and let myself eat whatever I wanted. I knew that I was still gaining a little weight but I thought it was worth it to give myself that time. It was. There was just a random day when I knew I was ready. I made a plan, started a blog, and the rest is recorded in my archives. I started at 296lbs. I am not ashamed of that weight but I will never let myself go back.