Warning… I’m about to talk about poop. Lots of it.

So, yesterday was interesting…

I woke up yesterday feeling like I had gone on some all-night bender like it was two years ago again. Between dogs barking, a constant beeping all night, other noises, and aches and pains I was feeling, I’d barely slept. I wondered if I was actually hung over because I’d been drinking so much coffee lately and very little water. Plus, I’d had two glasses of wine with dinner.

Is this what happens when you turn 26???

Usually I’m tired and resentful of the fact that I have to get out of bed each morning but yesterday I was feeling tired on an extraordinary level.

Despite feeling a little deathy, I coaxed myself out of bed, made myself eat a banana, some blueberries, and drink some water, put on something that was low maintenance but still professional looking, and just barely made it out the door to catch my shuttle to work.

After taking some vitamins, more water, and Aleve, I felt a little better and tried to on with my day. I had back to back meetings for most of the day, which I was excited about, so I carried my water bottle with me and filled it up between each one, trying desperately to rehydrate.

Very suddenly, my stomach was NOT okay. I walked very quickly to the bathroom and cursed the fact that it was going to be one of those days. I still thought it must be that I was too dehydrated so I did my best to gulp down some water and minimize how much coffee I was drinking.

I wasn’t feeling well, but it wasn’t awful. I’ve dealt with worst, for sure. After my first meeting, though, I stopped back at my desk and very suddenly felt the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach again. Speed walking to the bathroom this time, I wondered if something more was going on.

I had a third meeting shortly after that and was excited for this one. It was a one on one with one of my coworkers that I suspected I might get along with really well. I was totally right and was too excited about how well we connected to think about my stomach during our meeting. As I stood up, though, I panicked. I waited for her to turn the other way and then I RAN for the bathroom. This time I had to clench and made it just on time.

I was starting to feel sicker and I wondered if I had eaten something bad the previous day. Figuring that my stomach HAD to have been empty by that time, I grabbed more water and some coffee and headed to the next meeting I was in.

I have no idea what was said for the entirety of that meeting. Not only was my stomach killing me but I ached all over. I finally realized that I wasn’t going to make it through the day. As I started to hurt more, I tried to wrap up the meeting quickly because, YET AGAIN, I needed to make another run for the bathroom.

Out of energy, patience, yet surprisingly not out of poop, I decided that I need to reschedule the rest of my meetings for the day and go home to suffer in close proximity to my bathroom. Alone.

Hoping that I could get home quickly enough via the shuttle, I ran outside to the pickup spot to wait. As I felt my stomach start to rumble again, I texted the following to a friend:

Me: Is it a bad omen to shit your pants at a new job?

Him: Only on the first day.

Me: Oh good. I made it out the door but I’m doubtful on my odds of making it home clean. Food poisoning… the shitty gift that keeps on giving.

Him: I can’t handle this story right now. It’s lunch time.

Me: Oops.

Him: Laughing too hard to eat

Me: Why is Pioneer Square so bumpy!?!?!?!?!

I’m pretty sure you know it’s true love when you can talk about pooping your pants with someone.

Thankfully, the shuttle got me to my stop quickly. Unfortunately, the stop was further from my apartment than I thought. I’m sure that all the runners out there know how hard it is to clench and run at the same time, but run I did. As soon as I got into my apartment, I dropped my stuff and made a beeline for my bathroom.

I spent the rest of the day curled up in a little ball realizing that shouldn’t have eaten the closed mussel the previous night.

So, while I did weigh in in the morning, I didn’t think it was a good indicator of whether or not I had actually made any progress.

What a shitty day? Eh? No? Never mind.

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