It’s a little disheartening to see that I’m pretty much back where I started the year but considering that I decided that 2011 was dead to me, it kind of makes sense.
Thankfully, I’m actually a little lighter than I was at the beginning of 2011 so I don’t have to call it a completely lost year after all.
I’m still in a much better place than I was when I started two years ago.
This morning it was hard to get myself to get on the scale and take my measurements. I didn’t want to face the possibility of having gained more than the last time I weighed myself and I really didn’t want to have to face the truth that I’ve set myself back quite a bit. Yet, in the midst of this, I remembered what I scribbled across my arm last year after watching my grandmother die; In Veritas, Libera.
Despite the fact that I was mixing languages (you try thinking in foreign languages when you’ve spent a week in a hospital in the middle of nowhere), I completely believe in the meaning of it; In Truth, Freedom.
This morning I had to face the truth. The reality existed whether I wanted to acknowledge (and post) it or not. My relation to reality doesn’t actually change it. I remembered back to the feeling I had two years ago when I decided to revel in the feared number so that I could revel in my future progress. Instead of thinking “OMG I can’t believe I weigh almost 300lbs” I decided to think “someday I’ll get to say, ‘oh yes, I did lose over 150lbs. It’s no big deal really’” with a nonchalant flip of the hand.
Apparently my imagined future Kendra was just as full of shit as the current one…
So, this morning I decided to face the number on the scale and the numbers of my measurements so that I could honestly say, “here’s the result of these hard times” and then when I overcame the regain I could say “I beat those hard months and I took back what was taken from me. Look, there’s the proof on the scale. Those 25lbs are gone again! Win!”
It wasn’t until after I showered and was already running late for work that I decided that I had to face it. I had to weigh and measure myself.
You know what? I feel a little freer because of it. There’s no wondering what that number is or worrying that I’ve regained x amount. Now I know and now I can work with that number.
I chose today to restart this whole thing partly because I like the sound of “Weigh-In Wednesday,” but mostly because it’s two years to the day that I started in the first place. With every milestone comes an opportunity to reassess, make changes, and recommit. That’s what I want to do right now. Don’t I sound like a televangelist? Feel free to send me money, but it won’t shrink your ass.
I started, in the first place, saying that I wanted to see how far I could take this before I failed. I haven’t failed yet and am willing to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving. I’m starting to believe in myself again and remember why I thought I could do this in the first place.
While I might be writing under a new title, the ideas are the same. Over the next few weeks I’ll write a little bit more about why I decided to make the switch. You’ll also see the look of the site changing as I slowly get it properly pieced together. I feel a little bit like it’s kind of showing up in its underwear at this point but better scantily clad than not at all, I suppose.
Last, but certainly not least, here are the stats from when I started and where I stand now in a pretty little table that makes me feel a little bit warm and fuzzy. Welcome to my new digs.
|Neck||16 ¼||14 ¼|
|Bust||45 ½||40 ½|
|Chest||50 ½||44 ½|
|Waist (smallest point)||46 ½||38|
|Bicep||18 ¾||16 ½|