For the past few weeks I’ve been including The Plan in my goals and weigh-ins. The Plan in its current form has absolutely nothing to do with the original The Plan, but I can’t help but snicker every time I write the phrase.

The plan in my Monday posts originated when I needed a general plan of attack to keep in mind. It was meant to be vaguer than the weekly goals but still provide a focus. The real version of The Plan is a different story altogether. It’s time I share it.

In high school, my less than girly best friend was asked to homecoming. She came to me panicked. I told her that I’d help make her into a real girl. It was all very Popular-esque.

One day when I was trying out different hairdos, we started discussing different psychologists. I don’t know how we always got to these types of discussions, but this was pretty normal for us. It still is.

She liked Freud’s theories because she agreed with the basic: everything in life is motivated by sex. I disagreed.

“So I’m only helping you get girlified because I secretly want to have sex with you? You’re right, that was the plan all along,” I sarcastically told her.

“No, you’re trying to help me get sex,” she tried to explain. It was too late, though, my sick sense of humor had set that statement in stone.

“Oh no, you are right… I really am trying to have sex with you. It really has been my plan. That’s right, you discovered The Plan.”

Throughout the rest of the time I was helping her with getting a dress, finding the proper undergarments, doing her makeup, finding shoes, doing her hair, and picking out jewelry, we would revert back to this joke in awkward moments. She started saying it back to me too.

Several other friends were let in on the joke and it somehow became a big thing. I still can’t hear someone say the phrase The Plan (yes, it does have to be bold each time, it’s that big of a deal) without snickering like a little kid who just heard their teacher say the word poop.

Although we made The Plan as absurd as possible and use it for every excuse possible, I realize that it’s completely applicable to the weight loss journey. It’s that secret (or sometimes not so secret) motivation behind weight loss that not many really want to cop to. People list reasons that they want to lose weight but how often do you actually see “get more sex” in their list of reasons.

Well, I’m admitting it. I’m also going to decode some of the many reasons why people want to lose weight. I mean, you could just do this like a fortune cookie and add “between the sheets” to each one of these common reasons, but I’ll do the leg work of translating for you. I lovingly ripped gathered these reasons from various other websites and dormant blogs.

“More energy and stamina” – “More sex that lasts longer”

“Improve my sleep apnea” – “I want to stop snoring so that someone will want to share a bed with me”

“Fit into a greater variety of clothes” – “I want to look hot so that men will want me more and women will be jealous of me”

“Fit into seats on planes without needing a seatbelt extension” – “I’d like to submit my application to the mile high club and then participate often”

“Be less self conscious about my body in public” – “I want to show off my body in public”

“Enjoy traveling more” – “I want to get around” or “I’d like to do it everywhere”

“Improve flexibility and ease the load on my knees” – This one is just too easy…

“Be comfortable in my body” – “And be comfortable with somebody else in my body, on my body, under my body…”

“Avoid Heart Disease, Diabetes, and other weight related problems” – Nope, this one is valid on its own.

“So I can look down and see my toes” – “Not to mention bend over and touch my toes…”

If you have any others, please submit them in the comments. Surely there are a million more that you all can think of. Please do tell, what’s your weight loss motivation (with translation)?

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