My weight loss journey has facilitated many discoveries of missing pieces of my body. I’ve found my neck, my collar bones, my jaw bone, my hip bone, etc. In this journey, though, I’ve suffered a few casualties; two to be exact. My breasts seem to be MIA and suspected dead.

I’ve never had the amazing breasts that some large women have had. It seems that rather than the voluptuous, round chest most women get I received the Seussian Thing One and Thing Two. Smaller and paler than most beings they were not the norm but they were mine. Now with the shrinking of my waistline, fat cells, and butt shelf, they have deflated into shells of the old.

I had hoped at the beginning of my weight loss that I would be permitted to keep the Things, but apparently this won’t be possible. Admittedly, I had more or less expected it when I wasn’t being in complete denial, but I had expected to get much closer to my goal before they shrank so much. Now I worry that soon I’ll be singing, “Do your boobs hang low? Do they waggle to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?” Come on, you must know the song! Didn’t anyone watch Barney as a kid? (Granted, his version didn’t go exactly like that…)

Thanks to the powers of the Victoria’s Secret (I shall love you always) Secret Embrace, I still have pretty much amazing cleavage, but out of the bra it is not a pretty sight. Like the superhero’s mask my bra enables my breasts to do feats that would be otherwise impossible. I can rock low cut shirts with cleavage-y perfection. Even my higher cut shirts look pretty good (if I do say so myself) because of the shape my bra gives me. Take the boobs from the bra, though, and it’s like stripping batman. He doesn’t really have any powers; it’s all in the outfit.

I do wonder, though, if they won’t come back around. Maybe as I lose the weight they won’t be weighed down so much and they’ll perk back up. Is this just wishful thinking? It’s true that I’ve worried about this same thing with most of my skin. Am I doing all of this work to go from the Michelin Man to the Pale Man (minus the creepy eyeballs in the hands and lack on nose)? I mean, that sucks.

It’s true, I feel better, I can run more, I am much more physically fit, I’m probably not going to drop dead from a heart attack or stroke now, but I’m vain people! I’m talking the evil queen in Snow White sort of vain. Okay, maybe we won’t go that far. I’m not going to cut a bitch just for being prettier than me and I’d be pretty darn creeped out if my mirror started talking to me (What kind of mushrooms were those that I ate in my salad??).

Let’s be honest though, I don’t just want to be healthy. I want to be beautiful. My missing boobs are a part of that equation. No, I’m not going to put pictures of them on milk cartons but I am asking you to help me find poor, poor Thing One and Thing Two again.

For those of you who have lost weight, what was the end result of your boobs? How did you deal with that? Any tips for preventing them from ending up like popped water balloons?