This Valentine’s Day I’m single; uncomplicatedly single, not just technically single.
Despite the fact that I’ve beaten this dead horse to a bloody pulp, I’m going to take one more look at that one thing with that certain someone as I gain closure.
I’ve fallen in love precisely one time. I’ve also had my heart broken precisely one time.
I am so glad it happened.
I mean, it would have been much more awesome if it had resulted in a white dress and an all too expensive day that would have made “an honest woman” of me but even with the taffeta free outcome, I still can’t help but be thankful for the whole thing.
From the beginning I knew it was doomed. I told my friends that he was just a distraction and that it was never going to last. Of course, I also fell in love with him the first night we met. It might have had something to do with the fact that he literally asked my mother for permission to corrupt me.
So, we were doomed and I was doomed. Great.
I looked, saw the rocks below, and leapt anyway… and it was worth it.
It taught me so much about myself and changed me in a profound way, helping me to make the transition to a self sufficient adult. Because of that certain someone, I’m no longer playing the part that I think people want me to play and I have an uncompromising commitment to actually being myself.
From the first night we met it seemed like he saw through the front I put on and that he interacted with the real me. He drew me out in a way that so few could. I dropped all pretenses around him and it was so freeing. Now, I’m learning to do that with everyone in my life.
He also helped me to really love myself, physically and otherwise. There’s something about watching someone adore you really boosts your self esteem. Even when he was making fun of me (which he did a lot!), he did so in a way that let me know he really liked the things he was mocking.
Even with the small acts, like one little kiss; he unknowingly was boosting my self esteem and changing how I felt about myself and my flaws. When he looked at those flaws, he didn’t seem to see what I did and I started to learn to see myself through his eyes.
Lastly, I’ll never forget how I felt in his arms. It was so lovely that sometimes it was nearly impossible to pull myself away. The intensity of the whole thing was something I’d never felt in my whole life. It scares me to think that I might not ever feel it again. Somehow we managed to bypass my mental processing of emotions and I just plain felt things.
It’ taught me that I can never settle for “good enough” in relationships, vocation, or any other area of life.
Since him there have been a few people who, had it not been for the experience with him, would have been able to talk me into a relationship. Knowing what it could be like, though, I couldn’t settle for something just because it was there any available.
The things I learned from our little fling are priceless to me, yet I admit, some days I’d be willing to give up all of what I’ve learned and all the growth I’ve experienced just to have it back. Mostly, though, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s over and that life goes on. I’ll never have that exact connection with anyone else again but there’s another completely unique connection out there waiting for me to discover it at the right time and place.
Unless something unlikely occurs, like a marquis cut diamond set in rose gold appearing on my finger, this will be the last time I talk about him here. I mean, it was lovely and he was lovely but it’s time to occupy the corners of my mind with things that have nothing to do with that certain someone.
So, this year on Valentine’s Day I’m thankful for the love I lost and for the future love I’ll find. Mostly, though, I’m thankful for learning to love myself.
So I was watching Oprah one day and she was interviewing Jenny McCarthy about her recent (at the time) breakup with Jim Carey. And Oprah asked, “so, do you think there will be a reunion?” And Jenny McCarthy looked at her and said, “no.” Then went on to explain that she thinks that people come into your life to teach you something about yourself. And once you learn that lesson, its time to move on. She felt like she learned all she could from him and their relationship and that she had fond memories but that “no, no reunion was ever going to happen.”
I thought it was a very insightful thing that she (and YOU) have realized this. Happy Valentine’s Day friend. 🙂
Thank you Lola. I always love your comments!
You know, it’s really easy to lose something and just be sad or bitter about it. I mean, I have been sad and bitter about it. Yet, I also realize how much I got out of it and what I can take away from it. It’s sad that it’s over but it would have been even more sad for it to never have happened.