There is one theme, one word that can summarize all of my workout music: Trashy (yes, with a capitol T).
The genres are diverse and the mood changes, but it all needs to be pretty darn trashy. Like, I’d like my mother to blush if she knew that I was listening to such lyrics.
I have a sneaky suspicion that not one of you is actually surprised.
I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that I’m such a sweaty mess while working out. Clearly any time you’re a sweaty mess, trashy music is the way to go. If the song’s appropriate than it’s just not going to do it for me.
Why hello me before I started losing weight with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Yeah, we’re BFFs now. (Note: cell phone cameras suck at night)
Song: Dangerous by Kardinal Offishall, featuring Akon and Sean Paul.
Why I love it: I have to start with an obvious one. How could I not love this song? I discovered it when I started going to clubs and then fell in love with it one night when it was on the radio and I heard the phrase, “No, no, no disrespect.” I thought “how kind of them” and it immediately became one of my favorite songs. Considering how running always makes me feel like such a badass, it seems only natural that I would love this song. I wanted to be that dangerous woman.
Why it would make my mom blush: There isn’t a line in this song that doesn’t meet this criteria but the one that takes the cake is “I want her to make my black snake moan.” I mean, that line even makes me blush.
Exercise it’s best for: Running.
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Song: Don’t Tell Mama from Cabaret, sung by Sally Bowles.
Why I love it: The pure mischievousness of this song makes me smile and feel slightly giddy. I used to sing this song to my mom just to annoy her.
Why it would make my mom blush: Sally basically says that her whole family knows that she’s performing in a sleazy club but implores the audience to keep the secret from her mother. My mom would be appalled less at the performing in the sleazy club than the idea of it being kept from her.
Exercise it’s best for: Body weight strength training.
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Song: You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive.
Why I love it: The beat, the catchy lyrics, the “you look like you’re lots of fun;” how could I not love it? Plus as a child, one of my criteria for dresses and skirts was that they had to spin properly.
Why it would make my mom blush: Let’s face it, this may be a ridiculously fun song but the sleaze factor is pretty darn high. “Open up your loving arms right now, here I come” might be one of the worst pick up lines ever recorded in recent music history (If you like opera, you’ll know why I say recent).
Exercise it’s best for: This song works for pretty much anything.
Song: Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga.
Why it would make my mom blush: This song probably actually wouldn’t. The fact that it doesn’t meet this criterion and yet I still love it really says something about how amazing it is.
Song: E Amore Un Ladroncello from Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozart, sung by Dorabella.
Why I love it: Dorabella uses this song to totally justify to her sister why she’s more or less abandoning her fiancé who is supposedly off to war for an Albanian who just happened to show up right when her fiancé left. The song is both repugnant and adorable. It’s also pretty much the stupid shit I’ve been doing for the last few months and it makes me feel better to know that even Mozart would allow such a girl a happy ending after she learns her lesson.
Exercise it’s best for: A Fast walk or slow jog, elliptical, bicycle
Song: Paralyzer by Finger Eleven
Why it would make my mom blush: The song is really all about a guy trying to get a girl to go back to his place with him because she apparently has amazing eyes. He’s super awkward. My mom would probably be embarrassed for him and his lack of game.
Exercise it’s best for: running, kickboxing
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Song: Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen
Why I love it: I feel like the awesomeness of this song requires no explanation. It’s Queen for one thing, and OMG how can anyone not love this song??? Plus this song is totally equal opportunity. Dude wants to make a you supersonic whether you’re a man or a woman.
Why it would make my mom blush: This is one of those songs that people listen to without realizing how dirty it really is. My mom doesn’t really listen to the words of a lot of the songs she listens to and in this case it’s a good thing. “I am a sex machine ready to reload, like an atom bomb about to Oh oh oh oh oh explode.” Gosh, I WONDER what that means…
Exercise it’s best for: It’s the absolute best running song for the middle sluff of your run but I’m going to approve this for any exercise you’re doing. It’s that awesome.
Songs that should have made the cut but I’ve talked about before and didn’t want to be redundant: Poker Face by Lady Gaga, Dynamite by Taio Cruz, Sexy Bitch by David Guetta and Akon, Club Can’t Handle Me by Flo Rida (absolute best end of run song, like when you feel like you’re about to die), Let Me Blow Ya Mind by Eve, Paper Planes by MIA, and so many more.