Thank goodness that Monday is over! I dubbed yesterday Miserable Monday. So glad it’s Skanky Tuesday. I thought I’d share a fun little conversation from this week to start:

    Y: He’s just really bizarre, be careful around him.
    Me: I don’t care; I still like Fearless Leader’s theory about him
    Y: What was her theory?
    Me: That he has a crush on me.
    Y: Why would you want him to have a crush on you?
    Me: I want EVERYONE to have a crush on me!

Now that I’ve come back to Planet Earth after my little lustfest, I’ve not only realized that it would be a bad idea to break my 23 (minus one day) years of celibacy on someone I don’t even like, but that I have some really awesome friends who were able to “talk me down from the ledge.” By “talk me down from the ledge,” I mean text me the whole time I was at work with ridiculous statements and distractions.

This experience has made me realize that I probably need a strategy for dealing with this situation. For most of the month I’m fine but that period of time when ovulation collides with the estrogen released from my fat cells is pretty much officially the Psychotic Slut Zone. I should copy write that. While you might not be saving it, if you are experiencing similar Psychotic Slut Zone incidents you still don’t want to do something (read: someone) you’ll later regret.

The Plan

1. Use the Buddy System – It’s the same principle you used at summer camp when you went swimming. Your buddy’s not going to let you drown in your own puddle of estrogen induced stupid. Plus, your friends know you best and they’ll know what to say. Oddly enough, for me this was a constant onslaught of dirty jokes and creepy song references.

2. Get in Your Car, Play “Bad Romance,” Sing/Scream Along – If you’re like me, Lady Gaga is better than psychotherapy. This song totally summarized all the angst running through my veins.

3. Workout to Aforementioned Song – The last time I entered Slut Zone Psychosis I made a beeline for the treadmill. I should have done that this time as well. It was totally one of the best feeling workouts I’ve ever had. There’s just something about angry, angsty, or anxious workouts that are so much better than just every day workouts. It should be noted, though, that this will cause you to continue the cycle of fat loss that creates this phenomenon.

4. Stay Sober – Getting drunk, nay, even tipsy, is just asking for a hot mess of a situation. This is not the night to go out for drinks even if it is just with friends. Besides, if you do succumb to Slut Zone Psychosis you really don’t want a hangover to accompany it.

5. Get a Crack Smoothie – Yes, I realize that they don’t actually have crack in them but the sweetness might help distract you and induce another sort of brain freeze. You also get the added benefits of antioxidants, fiber, and protein in a sweet sweet cup of frozen goodness. Okay, I don’t actually know if these will help you but I’m still obsessing over them and just want to talk about them again.

Now, I realize that there is a pretty obvious solution for those who are already in relationships and those who are not celibate. These instructions are for preventing mistakes that you would regret if you were not in the Psychotic Slut Zone, not for preventing action in general. I’m not saying don’t get it, I’m just saying don’t get it from that guy, whoever that guy may be.