Are you an exhibitionist? I think that we all have a little bit of an exhibitionist in us. Then again, maybe I’m just projecting. If you aren’t an exhibitionist, you should be! Now, I’m not saying you should do anything that would get you arrested for indecent exposure (it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught…) but there’s nothing wrong with exposing yourself to the world a little bit. Don’t worry, you’re not going to scroll down and see a naked picture of me.

Today I’m really just using my immature dirty jokes to facilitate a real topic. I think that too often people don’t let their real selves be seen because of self esteem issues, insecurities, or just because they like the mask they wear better. When you have extra weight it becomes much easier to adopt a persona that laughs at themselves and at fat jokes than to be vulnerable and admit that being the funny fat girl hurts sometimes.

I haven’t always been funny. I wasn’t funny until my junior year of high school when it became my whole identity. Before that I was a dreadfully serious girl. Now I’m a mix of both but I am still trying to find the balance of what is actually Kendra and what is the character I play. Who is the girl in the looking glass? (Is this getting a little too Mulan?) Someone cue “Reflection” on your mental stereo. Let’s not get too sappy but allow me to expose myself to you.

I don’t believe in astrology but I like to claim my inner Gemini. I am a study in contradictions. Is it any coincidence that my birthstone is an Alexandrite? I think not. What contradictions, you ask?

I work for a better body but I want to be known for my mind. It bothers me when people think I’m less intelligent that I am.

I want to dress like a skank but I believe in modesty.

I process things in an extremely structured way and love patterns and numbers but find amazing beauty in artistic chaos.

I am neurotically clean in some areas and ridiculously messy in others.

I am a hedonist but also a Christian. I don’t believe in denying yourself any good pleasure but I think there’s a context and a proper way for things.

I swing back and forth between two opposing worldviews Christian Theist and Naturalistic Atheist.

I listen to Mozart, Chopin, Puccini, and Beethoven but I also listen to Ludacris, Lady Gaga, Norah Jones, and Flyleaf.

I agonize over philosophical debates and theories but I don’t want to think about any bigger issues in life.

I have an over developed sense of empathy but I get overwhelmed with it and tune people out. Case and Point.

I’m dirty to a pretty major extreme but I don’t put out.

I like that people think I’m funny but I also worry that they don’t realize there’s much more to me than that.

I want to be completely independent, Sempre Libera, but I also want to belong to someone, Sempre Fedele.

I work ridiculously hard but I am fundamentally lazy. Sad but true.

I act like an adult but I feel like a little kid.

The opposites in me are in constant conflict and maybe this is a normal part of being in my early 20’s but I just don’t feel grounded in general. Do people ever feel grounded?

People are so amazingly multifaceted and all too often we simplify ourselves because we think that people will accept us more easily that way. I know I did for a long time. It took one of my best friends digging to that deeper place and then pointing it out to me before I even realized that I was putting on a front.

I guess the question I pose to everyone is this, are you clothing yourself in your fat? Yes, I know it’s just plain there but are you making that your costume? Have you become the funny fat girl or the shy fat girl or the angry fat girl or the goofy fat guy… you get the picture. Is your size defining you or are you letting people know you?

In this way I mean you should become an exhibitionist. For some I know it will be as scary as walking around naked in public would be. Expose yourself, not just your flesh.