My unofficial goal for August was kind of a warm-up for this month. All I wanted in August was to get enough sleep. For most of the month I achieved it and felt the difference in a huge way. This month sleep is still a goal but it’s only part of my goal.

My goal for September is to do things that make my body feel good.

I’m choosing this goal for two reasons. Firstly, because I’m trying to get myself out of weight loss thinking mode. Secondly, because I want my body to feel good. Obviously.

Remember a few weeks ago when I was talking about trying not to obsess over being so close to my lowest weight? I was… um, not successful. Over the next two weeks I gained weight. Why? Because I went back into an old cycle of struggling with eating.

It goes like this: I get close to a weight loss milestone and I start to obsess about it. I get freaked out about the idea of being in new territory and begin to be afraid of sabotaging myself. Then, I start to feel like I don’t want to eat because I just know I’ll butcher myself. I obsess over why being thinner than I’ve ever been scares me and try to figure out what in the world is wrong with me.

After I begin to feel the effects of not eating, I try to convince myself to eat more. I fail to do so. Finally, I decide that in order to get myself to eat, I should just eat whatever sounds good without thinking about the possible weight gain consequences. Then, I regain weight.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve been through this a dozen times and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why breaking new ground scares me so much. Because, really, it freaks me the fuck out.

One of so many reasons why I’m in therapy…

I’m trying to break this cycle, though, and I hope that by focusing on what makes me physically feel good instead of what makes me lose weight, I’ll be able to do just that.

It’s a very convenient coincidence that the things that make my body feel good are often the same things that make me lose weight.

If only tequila were on either of those lists.

And toffee.

Anyway…

What is on the list of things that make my body feel good?

Meals made by yours truly – These usually come in the form of stir fry because I really like just throwing a bunch of food in a pan and calling it a meal. I’m lazy. They usually contain some type of meat, lots of vegetables, too much garlic, and other seasonings. Bonus: they’re even better the next day because the flavors have had time to mix.

Sleep – As I haven’t beaten this dead horse enough… Sleep makes my body happy.

Water – I drink a lot of water. Like, I keep a pitcher of it at my desk at all times so that I don’t have to go refill my water glass a million times a day. Usually I make it through a few of those pitchers and then a few bottles of water when I get home.

Stretches – My massage therapists have given me some stretches to do and they really help. My shoulders have felt much better and my constant headache is starting to go away.

Exercise? – Yes, it does make my body feel good but I just don’t want to right now. Maybe I’ll be able to bring myself to do something but when I’m sore all over, I just don’t want to. I’m a brat.

No sugar, wheat, starch, or other fun foods that make my stomach hurt – They might be fun but they distinctly do not make my body feel good. They make me all achy and cause my stomach to swell up. Grouchy and swollen? Not what I’m going for.

Limiting Coffee – I like the morning cup of coffee and I don’t see any negative side effects from it but when I have a second cup or decide to drink more in the afternoon, I start to feel achy. Whether that’s from the cream or the coffee itself, I’m not sure, but I think it’s best to limit my consumption to that one cup and thoroughly enjoy it.

Cooking with coconut oil – I’m not sure about the validity of any of the health claims for this but I love the way this flavors things. The hint of sweetness it adds to savory foods is delicious and it’s totally filling. When I first opened the jar after buying it, I was pretty sure I’d never use it. The coconut smell was too strong, but cooked with other food, it’s great.

Those are the basics, anyway. So, let’s see if shifting my focus can help me get out and stay out of that cycle. It’s not a fun place to be.

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What are your goals for the month? Does anyone else go through cycles like this?