I really like running. I’d say that I borderline love it. Despite the “Why the jiggle?!?!?” feeling I tend to get for the first minute or so as my ample flesh adjusts to the jarring repetitive motion, running always feels amazing.

Yet, I don’t feel that connection with it that most runners do. I never did. Even when I ran cross country in high school I still felt no real “this defines me” sort of feelings.

This weekend my mother and I went to go see Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre and I discovered several things. First, I love jazz. I don’t know when that happened because I used to hate it but the jazz section of the show they did was amazing.

Second, and most importantly, I am a dancer.

My body might not look like a dancer’s body, I might not be able to do what most dancers can do (right now), and it’s true, I haven’t done any sort of dance performance in YEARS, but in my heart and soul (yeah, we’re going there) I am a dancer.

As I watched the movements of the dancers on stage, I felt it. My muscles started twitching with the memory of what those moves felt like and with excitement to be reliving it. I couldn’t sit still and yet I couldn’t move. I was caught in a thrilling limbo of emotions.

I jumped up and down, ran in circles, excitedly talked too loudly all the way home. I just couldn’t contain my excitement. Incidentally, in that neighborhood of Seattle no one takes any notice of someone walking down the street acting like a fool. It’s too common of an occurrence. I love my new home.

It occurred to me that THIS must be what runners feel when they cross a finish line, make a new PR, or complete a new distance… you know, do runner stuff. That is something I never felt while running, not in a single race, ever.

When I used to do trail running I felt a definite thrill to be running in the woods, leaping over roots and rock, and going all kinds of Pocahontas wanna-be (you know, because I have to represent my Native American heritage that I don’t resemble at all, thanks for the genetic fail, dad), but that was pretty isolated to trail running.

I can dance anywhere, in any style, at any time and get the same thrill. The way I feel after a dance workout or even just strength training that resembles what I used to do in those nine years of ballet, is incomparable. Nothing holds a candle to it.

So, here we take the first step in simply being who I am. I am a dancer. I am not a runner. I like to run but I am a dancer. Nothing will ever change that.

Also, I’m pretty convinced that I burn like twice as many calories during one of my impromptu living room solo dance parties than I ever did during a run. Wait, you didn’t think that I was kidding about those, did you? Oh, no, they’re for real. The building across the street probably gets a kick out of it if they pay any attention. My downstairs neighbor… probably not so much.

Last week I decided to be who I really am no matter how anyone feels about it. I decided that neither friends, family, acquaintances, nor romantic interest get to determine who I am. This week as I analyze myself for what those traits are that authentically make up me and what I’ve taken on for approval, I realize that this is a big one for me.

*So, this was actually supposed to be the second post in this line of “OMG! I’m discovering my identity!” but yesterday I was plagued with my worst/first hangover ever and a lot of mysteriously missing vodka. I’m not sure what happened. The Skanky Tuesday post was just too important to write when I wasn’t really present. I couldn’t even muster dirty thoughts, and that’s really saying something for me.

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Angela March 30, 2011, 7:31 pm

Alvin Ailey dancers are simply amazing. Every time I go to a show, they blow me away! Revelations never lets me down.

So happy that you are re-discovering yourself.

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Angela March 30, 2011, 7:31 pm

Alvin Ailey dancers are simply amazing. Every time I go to a show, they blow me away! Revelations never lets me down.

So happy that you are re-discovering yourself.

Reply
Kendra March 30, 2011, 7:33 pm

Revelations was mind blowing. I'm glad I'm not the only one familiar with them.

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Kendra March 30, 2011, 7:33 pm

Revelations was mind blowing. I'm glad I'm not the only one familiar with them.

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queerveganrunner March 30, 2011, 9:41 pm

I LOVE Alvin Ailey! I was fortunate to see the company once in NYC and was blown away.

There seems to be an assumption in the healthy living blogosphere that to be in shape one must participate in a triathalon sport (run, bike, or swim) and do yoga and strength to maintain blah blah blah I'm boring myself by even writing it. If love running but identify as a dancer – that's awesome! I would love to read about more than running stuff…I have no idea what sort of workouts dancers do. You can be a dancer who runs for cross training! That sounds pretty badass.

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queerveganrunner March 30, 2011, 9:41 pm

I LOVE Alvin Ailey! I was fortunate to see the company once in NYC and was blown away.

There seems to be an assumption in the healthy living blogosphere that to be in shape one must participate in a triathalon sport (run, bike, or swim) and do yoga and strength to maintain blah blah blah I'm boring myself by even writing it. If love running but identify as a dancer – that's awesome! I would love to read about more than running stuff…I have no idea what sort of workouts dancers do. You can be a dancer who runs for cross training! That sounds pretty badass.

Reply
482a6850-3856-11e0-a796-000f20980440 March 31, 2011, 6:38 pm

I totally can relate. Unfortunately me and my twin sister quit dance when a girl came up to us one week and said and I quote "Who ever heard of a fat ballerina?" You should do some dance classes too for exercise

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482a6850-3856-11e0-a796-000f20980440 March 31, 2011, 6:38 pm

I totally can relate. Unfortunately me and my twin sister quit dance when a girl came up to us one week and said and I quote "Who ever heard of a fat ballerina?" You should do some dance classes too for exercise

Reply