Once, when I was younger I had 50lbs to lose. It seemed like an impossibly large number and I was ashamed of it. As time went on, that 50 became 70, the 70 became 100, and then the 100 skyrocketed to over 150 when I finally started to get things under control.

As of Monday I am sitting at 245.8lbs and still have more than 100lbs to lose. I have no goal weight but I do have an idea of roughly where I should be. I’m not disheartened to see how much further I have to go, quite the contrary. I’m surprised that I made it this far.

I still think of myself as the 265lb girl that I was for a few years. That’s the weight I was while at school and for the best and worst times of my life. I might be physically past it but I don’t know that I’m mentally past it yet. In my mind I haven’t lost 50lbs because I was never 296lbs in the first place. I was always mentally 265lbs… except for a few really rough months when I was 291lbs. We don’t like to talk about those months.

So far, weight loss has not looked or felt like I thought it would. The strenuous effort I thought I would have to exert has not come to pass. I haven’t struggled in front of the fridge or had to destroy food to keep myself from eating it.

I’ve taught myself a new way to look at food and I’ve pushed myself in the gym. The drama of The Biggest Loser has not touched me. Rather than struggle and strife I’ve found a new form of contentment. At 296lbs (or the mythical 265lbs in my head), I was never happy with food, never satisfied with what I was eating. I never felt full. I always wanted more flavor, more sugar, more savory, more… whatever.

I have no one who tells me that I have to do one more sit-up or five more minutes on the treadmill. I have no one who yells at me and tells me that it’s my last chance. I don’t need it.

It’s true, sometimes I feel jealous of other bloggers who have lost weight faster and who seem to drop those pounds more effortlessly but comparisons are really pointless.

I thought the first 50 would come of much faster. I thought that by now I’d be nearing 100 or 70 but I’m not upset about it. At 10 ½ months in, I’ve gained so much more than the weight I’ve lost. I know that people say that weight loss doesn’t solve all of your problems but in the process of weight loss I seem to be solving most of mine.

I’m happy.

I wonder about those who dropped the pounds quickly, though. Can they sustain their methods when they hit their target weight? Or will the extreme measures taken undo them in the long run?

My progress is slow, steady, comfortable, and sustainable. I can do this, and keep improving, for the rest of my life.

I don’t often do shiny happy posts because while I may be “Ms. Perky,” I’m still a sarcastic bitch. I just say things really happily. The thing is, though, that looking back at my 50lb loss, it totally deserves a shiny happy post.

It’s been a really good year and I’ve been through amazing changes. My entire view of myself has changed. I have a completely different understanding of what I can and can’t do. I’m freed myself from so many fears.

I’m still working and in progress (let’s not forget that I do still have over 100lbs to lose) and I know that as I go, it will get harder to drop the pounds. That’s okay, because now I know that I can rise to the challenge and beat its punk ass.

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