There’s something that I’ve been struggling with that I haven’t actually wanted to admit. I’ve been able to hide it for a long time. I’ve lived with many other people and no one’s ever figured it out. Ive only been caught in the situation once and I’m sure that person doesn’t remember it.
When I am mad at myself, grumpy in general, in pain, worried, too tired, sick, or in general not perfectly happy, I don’t like to eat. No, it’s more than that, I don’t let myself eat. In the past several months I’ve been really proactive about this and making sure that I kept eating on a schedule but during these times I resented the schedule. I was mad that I had to eat so often even when I didn’t want to.
I love food and trying new things. I think that in many ways I am a foodie. It isn’t the meals I eat for pleasure that I struggle with, it’s the ones that I eat for function. I don’t mind drinking water or any other beverages but when it comes to eating to fuel my body, I just wish that I didn’t have to.
I used to have a similar relationship with sleep. I never wanted to go to sleep at night. I liked a day nap in the sun but I only wanted to nap for pleasure and not for functional purposes.
It’s the needs of my body that I struggle with rather than the things I simply choose to do for enjoyment. Maybe it’s because I’ve hated my body for such a long time, maybe it’s an extension of my past as a cutter. I haven’t spent enough time analyzing it to really have a good idea. The fact is, though, that this is a problem and it’s too easy to hide from others. The only time I was ever caught doing this was when I was in 10th grade. I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for three days and suddenly everything started to spin. My dad got me some juice and then made me eat but the issue was never brought up again.
I don’t think that a single one of my roommates in school knew that I did this (Schnookums? Sugar Muffin? Sweet Cheeks? ) but maybe they did. It’s easy to hide something like that when you have a busy schedule.
The point is, I’m not hiding it now. Here it is for anyone to see. I haven’t been eating enough for the past week. I haven’t wanted to eat in the evenings. I haven’t even wanted lunch. It’s been a struggle to make myself eat and I haven’t been completely victorious in this fight.