There’s been a lot of talk about relapses in the blogosphere lately. It’s a conversation that I appreciate because it helps me remember that healthy living doesn’t mean perfect living and that the all or nothing mentality is unnecessary. I can screw up on day, on week, one month, etc and that doesn’t mean that I’ve lost all the ground I’ve gained.

This morning I’m glad to be part of this community because of the insight I receive. It isn’t even what’s in the “here’s what I think about this stuff” posts or the “how to” posts that have this effect on me. It’s the “here’s what happened, here’s how I felt about it, and here’s what I’m doing now” posts that really impact me.

It makes sense that I’d value these posts so much more. I’ve always been the type to learn through story and allegory. I think that a well illustrated story will teach far better than an instruction manual any day. Unless, of course, you’re trying to learn how to put together new furniture from IKEA, in this case you probably want to opt for the instruction manual (and be wary of extra screws).

Reading a few of these blogs today, I realized that it’s okay for me to admit that I’m dealing with a full on relapse right now… and that the relapse itself is okay too, as long as I don’t let it continue. It’s okay to have a moment and fail. It’s okay that I didn’t catch the patterns I was setting down last week when I wasn’t eating. It’s okay because I’m catching them now.

There will be no crying session, no self loathing, no punishments, and no self condemnation. I’ve acknowledged that I screwed up. I’ve even eaten all of my meals so far today.

All of this ties back in to respecting myself and respecting my body. Angela reminded me of that yesterday and she’s totally right.

It seems odd that for a girl who weighed 296lbs that not eating was the problem. I probably consumed most of my calories in liquid form and I don’t even mean booze. After a day of “not feeling like eating” I would guzzle down as much as I could because I was so damn “thirsty.”

When I stopped drinking juice, soda, and other flavored beverages it was amazing how hungry I suddenly was.

It annoyed me how often I have to eat. Actually, it still annoys me how often I have to eat. Oh, right, that’s how I know that this whole thing is still a problem even if I’m managing the behavior.

It’s surreal to me that I can write this without feeling any shame or embarrassment. I’m not worried what anyone will think of me because of it. I don’t care that someone out there will think that I’m unbalanced. Confession of any faults used to make me squirm with anxiety. What, did I believe that people thought I was perfect? Apparently.

Relapses happen, though, and I will never be perfect. I will be healthy.

So, it’s not the end of the world and certainly not the end of my learning process for healthy living. It also probably isn’t the end of me “forgetting to eat.” It will happen again some day, but hopefully I’ll catch it faster.

On the relapse days I have too much that I can look at to remind me that I haven’t failed because of it. The largest one is that I’m happy. I couldn’t say that a year ago. I’m happy. The crazy in my might not be gone but I’m glad it’s not. I like the crazy.

How do you deal with days/weeks/months of relapse?

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SherRon, Shoes To Lose October 14, 2010, 8:47 pm

I know how you're feeling. I've been not so good lately and I don't feel all that bad about it. Yes, I could have done better, but I didn't and this is where I start from to move on. I'm taking it a day at a time. No way am I going to say, well, it doesn't look like I'm going to lose 10 lbs this month so it was a failure. I'm going to eat well today. I'm going to exercise today. and damnit, I'm going to feel good about my efforts, today.

Thanks for this post!

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Angela @ A Healthy Fit October 14, 2010, 9:03 pm

Kendra- I am so glad to see you post this. As long as you recognize it and decide to move past it and work towards good habits, then you are totally on the right path! I know how it feels to relapse. I was there myself a couple weeks ago. Bawling in my nutritionists office for 3 consecutive appointments over a month and a half and I'm finally feeling better about it all. If you ever need to talk- you know where to find me!

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Pieholes & Plyos October 14, 2010, 9:53 pm

Hi, I am visiting your blog for the first time.

1. Emotional maturity and realistic expectations are huge parts of overall health and you obviously have those by the boatload. Everything else in good time, right?
2. Have you read Bel Canto?

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Sava October 14, 2010, 10:12 pm

I went vegan in June and relapsed a couple months ago.
I went out and got a bacon club chalupa from taco bell. In fact I didn't just get the chalupa, I got that whole big box meal they had on special. It had the chalupa, a taco, a burrito, a pack of cinnamon twists, and a medium soda.
I then proceeded to stuff my face with cheese and meat for the next few days when I realized that I still wanted to be a vegan.

So I took a deep breath and got back on my track.
I just keep in mind that one non-vegan meal doesn't have to shake my whole foundation. I can take a deep breath and move past it.

I assume the same can be applied to a healthy diet 🙂

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Jennifer October 14, 2010, 11:58 pm

Hi, Kendra…

Great post (as usual!)

I deal with relapse by keeping two phrases in mind as much as possible:

1. Failure is not an option…but neither is perfection.

2. Everyday is a new opportunity to make healthy choices.

Yesterday for me was not such a great day, although if I compare what I ate yesterday to what I ate during some of the truly self-destructive periods in my life – yesterday was NOTHING. But yesterday did feel lousy given how healthy I've become in recent months.

I let yesterday go after I blogged about it and took today as that opportunity to make healthier choices.

Sending you good energy.

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Jennifer October 14, 2010, 11:58 pm

Hi, Kendra…

Great post (as usual!)

I deal with relapse by keeping two phrases in mind as much as possible:

1. Failure is not an option…but neither is perfection.

2. Everyday is a new opportunity to make healthy choices.

Yesterday for me was not such a great day, although if I compare what I ate yesterday to what I ate during some of the truly self-destructive periods in my life – yesterday was NOTHING. But yesterday did feel lousy given how healthy I've become in recent months.

I let yesterday go after I blogged about it and took today as that opportunity to make healthier choices.

Sending you good energy.

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Kristen October 15, 2010, 12:38 am

I have to admit, when I did my I-gained-weight-and-I-can't-stop-eating-like-shit post I felt a lot better. So, good for you for recognizing the signs and trying to regain control.

You're right, it's not the end of the world. You will totally get through this. Get it, guuurll!

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Katie October 15, 2010, 2:00 am

Just catching up reading yesterday and today's posts.. first things that come to mind are 1) been there after being sick and having those kind of thoughts and realizing they are not okay but having a hard time stopping them. 2) it's a huge thing that you recognize, are not shy to discuss, and ask for some advice.

Like you said yesterday it's easy to stay shiny and happy but it's not reality for anyone. I think a lot of the food and health bloggers started because of food or weight issues. I've read on so many 'about' pages(and experienced) that a blog started because of bad habits we learn from society, media, family, wherever, and then some sort of realization happened. Kind of a tangent… but just saying I think a lot of readers and bloggers of any weight or background have struggled with similar thoughts and actions. I commend you- I think it's healthy to get them out in the open. That's probably the best way to deal with a relapse of negative thoughts.

I'm so bad at making a point- I just ramble on, sorry.

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Katie October 15, 2010, 2:00 am

Just catching up reading yesterday and today's posts.. first things that come to mind are 1) been there after being sick and having those kind of thoughts and realizing they are not okay but having a hard time stopping them. 2) it's a huge thing that you recognize, are not shy to discuss, and ask for some advice.

Like you said yesterday it's easy to stay shiny and happy but it's not reality for anyone. I think a lot of the food and health bloggers started because of food or weight issues. I've read on so many 'about' pages(and experienced) that a blog started because of bad habits we learn from society, media, family, wherever, and then some sort of realization happened. Kind of a tangent… but just saying I think a lot of readers and bloggers of any weight or background have struggled with similar thoughts and actions. I commend you- I think it's healthy to get them out in the open. That's probably the best way to deal with a relapse of negative thoughts.

I'm so bad at making a point- I just ramble on, sorry.

Reply
Lola October 15, 2010, 11:19 am

Its so funny you write about this, because this is very related to what I've been thinking about. I was(am) so embarrassed and ashamed to have gained some weight back. But, you know what, its ok. All of this is part of life and part of "the journey".

You have made real progress this year and have changed real habits. And sometimes, when you are down, its easy to resort to your "norm." But, what's so great is that you are changing your norm. So what used to be normal before, doesn't seem normal now. GOOD FOR YOU.

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