It seems to be happening again. That cycle where I wake up and can’t go to back to sleep; it’s anxiety. It sucks.
The last time this happened it lasted for a month. Yes, precisely a month. Thinking back now, it started the night after my first date with The Boy and ended the night I met that certain someone. We accidentally-on-purpose fell asleep together at my mom’s apartment because his family was visiting.
I’ve slept soundly since.
Oh, but then there was that fun little circumstance of my contract expiring at work with no new contract to take it’s place because of this AWESOME economy. It wasn’t that bad because the same company was going to need me again in July so I was biding my time. No, wait, never mind, due to recent events that have nothing to do with me they can’t take me back. Add to that a mix up about tickets that now has me fighting to not have my license suspended on May 20 (I might need a lawyer…).
Also, let’s throw in the fact that because I work as a contractor for various companies it took me a month to get all the information I needed to file for unemployment (EXACT dates? Really? I hate you.) so my savings is down to a minimum. Just for good measure, while we’re at it, let’s add some crazy to the whole shebang as I adjust to the hormones in my new birth control pill.
Wait, no, let’s not stop there, let’s also add the spoiled white girl problem of having lost enough weight lately that my clothing is getting too big again just as I absolutely cannot afford to go shopping.
And how about another thing in the mix that really deserves 100% of the attention but in my crazy mind can only be afforded a small space right now; the sudden death of a friend of the family.
Lastly, let’s just fixate on every detail of the still unsure relationship with that certain someone. Yeah, still not actually official. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. He’s complicated. It’s also completely wonderful. That’s about all I can say there.
As this stew spins round and round in my head I just can’t sleep. The less sleep I get, the crazier I get.
Some of these things I can take direct action on, others are out of my control and I have to simply stay the course. I’ve never really been in this kind of position before and it’s daunting. So much of my life right now is new territory but for the most part it’s been exciting. It wasn’t until very recently that it went from exciting to I want to curl up in a little ball, rock back and forth, and suck on a vodka lollipop because I’m not mature enough to handle life.
Actually, I’ve been avoiding drinking for the most part while I’m dealing with the anxiety. No one needs a drunk and anxious Kendra melting into a puddle of her own emotional goo.
This is what’s been going on internally, but alas, I do have a poker face. Unless you know me really well and/or live in casa de crowded (my mom’s apartment), you wouldn’t have any idea that all of this is going on. Generally I know how to keep my shit together.
Perhaps confession will be cathartic, though, so I present it to you here.
I’m stressed like the Aye Aye.
Yes, that is one ugly animal.
At least I’m better looking.
For the moment, I’ll take the steps I know always help. I’ll stop eating bread and sugar. I mean, I don’t usually eat bread in the first place but when a certain someone is making you breakfast you don’t ask for customization.
I’ll also go running. I know, I said that I’m not a runner but I still like running and it always helps.
Lastly, as silly as it might sound, I’ll make a to-do list. The organization and structure always makes me feel so much better.