Last year when I wrote my goals post I was trying so hard to be optimistic. I felt like I had been ripped to shreds and so I took it as an opportunity to figure out how to put myself back together. All of my goals were about rebuilding myself.
I just wanted to be okay again.
I feel like I’ve already talked so much about how everything seemed to fall apart and how I fell apart so I probably don’t need to rehash it yet again, but when I mentally reviewed 2012 I was astonished at how much has changed and how much I’ve changed.
In both 2011 and 2012 I damn near killed myself with dangerous, destructive, and negligent behavior. A lot of it I didn’t write about but it’s something I need to own up to. I did not treat myself well and I didn’t think I deserved any better.
There are so many ways in which I don’t even resemble the girl I was at the beginning of 2012. My weight and appearance haven’t changed much but everything else has. With the help of an amazingly insightful and caring therapist, I managed to fix those broken pieces of myself. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I’ve come far enough to have almost forgotten what it was like to be in the place I was last year.
This is why I cannot scoff at New Years Resolutions and goals. I made them, I stuck with (some of) them, I owned (some of) them, and they brought me to a much better place. Fuck yeah goals.
This year my goals were:
1. Weight Loss or Weight Maintenance – I mostly achieved this one. I definitely don’t weigh anymore than I did when I wrote last year’s post but I never quite made it back to the 215-220 range that I wanted to be in. But, considering that the point of this year was to focus on my head instead of my ass, I feel very successful to have been able to do so and maintain my weight.
2. Regular Exercise – Oh lord, did I fail this one. Still, see above. It’s cool.
3. Continue Music Studies – This has been an unqualified success. I’ve been working with a private teacher for a little over a year and I’m preparing audition material to go back to school this year.
4. Continue Therapy – This. Yes, this has been the achievement of the year. Despite thinking and saying that I was mostly okay last year, I was barely making it. I was trying trying TRYING so hard to be okay and to stop my slow assault on myself but I needed more help that I could give myself. The therapist I found is the by far the best I’ve ever worked with. I put in every ounce of effort I could into this and it’s paid off. As I mentioned above, I’m in a completely different place than I was before.
5. Invest in Friendships and Community – This was far more work than I expected it to be. Before I could try and make new friends I had to work on why I don’t trust people, push them away, and don’t pursue healthy friendships. It finally started to click about three months ago and I found myself significantly less lonely.
6. Be True to Myself, Whatever That Is – Obviously this one is a lifetime work in progress but this year was the first time that I felt like I started to recognize my own skin and be comfortable in it.
7. Money – Let’s not even talk about this. Therapy is expensive.
8. Get Healthy Hair Again – It got better… and then it got worse. When I stopped drinking so much and started eating healthy again, my hair got a lot nicer. Recently, though, as I stopped eating dairy and my appetite took a nosedive, I started losing hair again. I’ve been making an effort to eat more again but it takes some time to see a difference. I’m eagerly awaiting when that time comes.
9. Get My Passport and Go Somewhere – Nope.
10. Go Back to School Part Time – Why, yes. I finally did do this. I retook a class that I had botched back when I was in school fulltime. GPA fixing…
11. Setup My Apartment Like a Home – I made a lot of progress on this goal but I went back and forth between being totally gung-ho and really not giving a damn. I love parts of my apartment but other parts are severely lacking in that homey feeling. Still a work in progress
12. Blog At Least Twice a Week – Obviously not.
So, if I was going to give 2012 a label, it would probably “growth and regrowth.” Some things I learned for the first time, like learning to value myself. Some things I had to relearn, like healthy habits. I NEVER would have chosen what happened to me but I did get to choose what I did with it. I fought for myself, both in an internal way and in a legal way. I’m really proud of that.
2012 was hard, excruciating even, but it was the year I experienced profound change and that’s something I’ll always be happy with.