What’s a girl to do when she’s impossibly enticed by a contest that includes a few of her favorite things: cooking, being naked, and blogging? Enter the contest of course! Oh, but what’s she to do when that same girl is living with her dad and he stepmother? I mean, it makes this sort of challenge a little… awkward. But really, how could I pass it up? I love doing pretty much anything naked. It enhances any experience.
So, I called my dad on Wednesday night, Project Tasteless
was announced, and asked him, “So… what are you and crazy stepmother doing this weekend? Wouldn’t it be a really nice weekend to… um… be anywhere but home?”
Of course, what I really meant was, “Can you and crazy stepmother go away so that I can use your kitchen and cook naked without getting caught and having to make hasty and awkward explanations? Thanks!”
Next I set my mind to what I was going to make. I wanted to make something healthy and delicious, something saucy, but most importantly, something that didn’t require boiling water
With the changing of the season I know the whole world goes a little squash and pumpkin crazy, but I prefer to go hog wild with cranberries. You can keep your pumpkin oatmeal (which looks even worse that regular), give me the fresh cranberries.
I concocted a recipe that made my mouth water just thinking about it. I dreamt of it. I even found the perfect accompanying cocktail.
Oh, and then I woke up on Sunday with a nasty combination of raging cramps, a lovely hangover, and fuckthisshititis (I jacked this directly from the boy who, it turns out, has chicken pox).
Aannd out went all of my motivation. I wondered if I could enter the contest if all I made was cereal… or oatmeal. At least I’d look good in comparison to ANY bowl of oatmeal. I was not in the mood, but the kitchen was mine, the apron had been purchased, and I simply could not pass this up.
I also couldn’t stand the idea of having to think through a new recipe that required marinating, stuffing, browning, baking, and lots of guess and check. I mean, I couldn’t even do basic math this morning.
Rather than the sumptuous cranberry, almond, and goat cheese stuffed rosemary chicken I had planned for, I decided that I just wanted comfort food. Thus, I made Chicken Parmesan sans breading.
It’s as much of a slacker, perfect-for-a-fuck-this-I-have-a-hangover recipe as you will find. It is also delicious and I could eat it every day and not get tired of it.
Now, let me go get in something a little more comfortable while I preheat the oven.
Returning to the kitchen clad in my new apron, the paranoia set in. After rechecking that all the blinds were, in fact, closed and quadruple checking that the front door was locked, I got down to business.
While cutting the chicken, I started hearing all the little noises outside that you wouldn’t normally notice. With each movement I heard I stared to make a beeline for my bedroom. To allay my fears, I eventually put my clothing in the laundry room right off the kitchen so if necessary I could scamper in there and dress myself upon hearing a key in the door.
Enough about me, let’s talk about the food!
Here’ what you’ll need.
Cut the chicken breast into 4 oz servings. Put them in a pan with olive oil to brown. Be careful with this step. Use long tongs.
Once they are nice and brown, put them in a Pyrex baking dish, slather them in half of the Tomato Basil Sauce, add Parmesan Cheese and Mozzarella Cheese to your liking, pour on more Tomato Basil Sauce, and stick it in the oven at 350 for an hour.
I forgot to save the sauce so my cheese browned a little more than I would usually want.
So, here’s what I learned
1. Fits of paranoia are totally normal when you’re cooking naked in someone else’s house.
2. You might feel objectified when birds start chirping at you because your naked butt is exposed in front of their cage.
3. Regardless of how you look you’ll feel totally sexy cooking in just an apron.
4. You will be 100% tempted to send that last picture to a particular boy with a caption “Want Some?” but will think better of it since you don’t want to give him the right idea.
5. Once you’ve cooked naked, you’ll never want to do it clothed.
In conclusion, while this may be a simple recipe, it’s guaranteed to cause multiple foodgasms. I just had one now.