I’ve said for a while that finding a boy wasn’t on my to-do list. That meant that, while it wasn’t my focus, I surely wasn’t going to object if a rather pretty, charming, and intelligent one happened to say hello. Well, that happened and the short lived, “Oh, Hello…” may have been fun but it left me feeling really let down and a bit morose.

Oddly, the night I met that boy, I also met another one that I didn’t really give much thought to at the time. Over the next few weeks, though, I kept running into him and started to realize how often I was smiling when I was around him. Roughly two weeks ago, I realized that I had a little crush on him.

It was fun. I didn’t act on it or try to initiate anything. It was just nice to be around someone that made me feel giggly… which is a huge contrast to what work’s been like lately. It was equally nice to flex my flirting muscles and find that I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin and, as a result, am being much more authentic.

He too was pretty, charming, and intelligent. As I realized that my crush might not be quite so little, though, I reassessed. Very quickly, I realized that despite the fact that I rather like his face and personality, we clearly had different drives in life and that it would not be relationship material even if it did develop into a fling.

Mentally, I walked away.

I think that I’m mentally walking away from any possible relationship right now. I’m taking a stronger stance than “not on my to-do list” and saying that until I’m through this emotional transition period, I don’t think I should get involved with anyone. I’m saying that even if a pretty, charming, and intelligent boy falls in my lap (not like that…) it probably won’t be a wise idea to invest in anything just yet.

Yesterday, when I was talking to my therapist, she told me that a lasting relationship usually only forms when both parties are at the same of emotionally development. She also said that when one party grows or changes, it usually marks the end of said relationship. While, we were actually talking about relationships of which I was not a part, I couldn’t help but reflect on the repercussions of that fact in my life at present.

Yes, I have an uncanny ability to make everything about me. I feel like that’s allowed in therapy, though.

I’m changing, healing, and growing so quickly right now that even if I did find Mr. Right, he’d only end up being Mr. Right Now. If the last six months are any indication of trajectory, in the next six months I’ll once again be in a completely different emotional place. Anything I try to build now would be built on shifting sand.

Incidentally, I hate sand. I feel like the ground is not supposed to move when you step on it. California beaches are a sprained ankle waiting to happen and I’d much rather stay far away from them. Besides, I don’t exactly get along with the sun…

I digress.

It was a good step I took about six months ago, moving from looking for Mr. Tonight to Mr. Right-For-The-Moment-And-Or-The-Next-Six-Months, but I’m not even content with that idea anymore.

No, I’m not looking for the love of my life and I’m not hoping to meet someone and get married right away. I just don’t want to invest in something that has an obvious shelf life. I’m finally at that point where I want more and I know that I’m worth more.

I’m asking a lot of hard questions right now and, for once, this question has an easy answer.

So… now I have no idea what to do on Saturday nights.

Canasta, anyone?

Apparently, I am the queen of the mystery illness.

I don’t get sick with normal things, no. That would be… well, normal.

I get sick with things that make doctors go, “Huh… um…” and furrow their brow.

Seeing as it’s been a year since I’ve had one of those mystery illnesses, I suppose my body decided that it was time for another freak show. This time, though, I’m not the only one in the cast of characters. My whole office has been coming down with this mysterious illness, taking turns so that we can still get things done, of course. It comes in waves, lasts for about a month, and makes doctors scratch their heads.

With engineers who travel all over the world, we haven’t the slightest idea what it actually is or from where it originated. Google told me that I either had several different variations of leukemia or anthrax. At least it’s better than when Google used to always think that I was knocked up.

… And it’s not as bad at the Strep Throat That Wasn’t I had last year.

Frankly, since the last thing to go around the office was pregnancy, I’ll gladly take this virus instead.

So, I’m totally pooped. I’ve slept through the last few days and feel like I could keep sleeping until Monday… after next. That’s why there was no weigh-in post (I slept through it) or Skanky Tuesday (slept through it) and why there will probably be no posts for a few more days (I’ll probably sleep through them).

Last night I just barely made it up and out of my apartment to go to my voice lesson and to go grocery shopping (I always combine the two). It was definitely a challenge to stay on my feet and to put in the physical effort needed to sing properly. It’s amazing how physically demanding that is.

Then I went home and died.

Metaphorically, of course.

I kind of feel like someone rubbed Icy Hot all over my bones, which was not very nice of them, and then rewired my brain to make bananas taste like ass. No, I can’t make that statement. I totally don’t know what ass tastes like. That’s bringing really gross images to my head. Let’s move on.

As much fun as it would be to continue to deliriously ramble at you, I have a pillow that I like better and it’s calling my name. I’m not sure if my fever is high enough that I’m hallucinating or if I just have a magical talking pillow (I’ll read that later and realize how un-funny that joke was), but either way, it’s quite convincing.

Pretty much, this whole post was like the equivalent of a drunk text. Fever post? Drunk text? Same thing. Both leave you shaking your head at yourself the next morning.

Not that I would know ANYTHING about drunk texting.

“Kendra, you should take my friend home,” Merchant Marine tells me after the three of us have been joking and laughing for the last hour. I roll my eyes and continue on our conversation as if it had never been said.

Merchant Marine wandered off and we took very little notice of it, except to charge more drinks to his bill. I had only intended to stay for about an hour when I first arrived. It was Friday night and I was feeling starved for social interaction. When I saw my friend the Merchant Marine, I was so excited because he had been out on his ship for the last several months and I hadn’t seen him in forever.

At first I had taken relatively little notice of his friend because I was too excited to see him but when he joined in the jokes and could easily navigate the flow of our banter, I started to give him my undivided attention.

My hour turned into a few hours of sitting and talking with this boy. We were trying to wait for our mutual friend to return but just as we were about to give up on that, he popped back in. He only stayed long enough to smile widely at both of us, order another round, and leave.

We stayed another hour or so before he invited me to join the party that was assembling at Merchant Marine’s loft just down the street. I went without a second thought.

Despite the fact that there were several other people there, we might as well have been alone for all the notice we took of anyone else. I don’t think our eyes left each other for more than a few seconds the whole evening.

The hours we spent talking turned into cuddling on the couch. When I looked up at him at one point to answer a question, he finally leaned in and kissed me.

It was one of those slightly shy and tentative kisses and, while there were no fireworks of kissing amazingness going off, it was sweet and nice. It was definitely nice enough to repeat… a few times.

It was getting really late, though, and when he offered to walk me home, I didn’t object. I also didn’t leave him at my door. No, I had no intention of that. We sat on my loveseat together looking out at my view and talked for a few more hours with interspersed kisses exchanged.

That spark, that connection was just… there. It was clear that this was something worthwhile. By the time I was getting too sleepy to keep an intelligent conversation afloat, it was too late to send him walking alone back to our friend’s place. My neighborhood is not the kind where I let anyone wander alone during the night.

I wasn’t going to take this all the way. I didn’t want to cheapen it by turning it into a hookup. Besides, nothing on my body was clean shaven and I wasn’t about to expose my yeti legs to him. As I ran into my bathroom to change and make sure that I found a pair of pajama pants that were NOT knee length, I looked in the mirror for a moment and realized how happy I looked. It’s been so long since I felt this spark with someone. I’d met lots of guys over the last several months and only liked one of them before this one. The previous one had turned out to be married but I hadn’t found out until a few months after the fact so it hadn’t stung that much. His relationship was his problem, not mine.

I smiled again and went to rejoin him. As we snuggled up and exchanged a few more kisses I realized that I actually liked cuddling with him. I only had a second to register the thought before drifting off to sleep.

A few hours later I heard a noise I didn’t recognize. A phone? An alarm? I was too sleepy to immediately register if it was mine or not.

Oh, that’s right, I’m not alone. He didn’t snore and I slept so well that I had forgotten, despite his arm still across my side.

He jumped up, grabbed the phone, and said, “I definitely didn’t set an alarm, I was supposed to be somewhere at 7:30.”

It was almost 8:00 which not only meant that he was going to be really late for whatever it was he was supposed to be present for, but that his car was in severe danger of being towed very quickly.

After a quick goodbye, where I worried more about the state of my mascara and breath than anything, he bolted out and I fell back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I remembered that I had left my wallet at Merchant Marine’s loft. I spent the morning in a state of “Did that really happen last night? It seems too good to be true.” And was all smiles.

When I got to Merchant Marine’s place, he brought me my wallet and started telling me about all the people who were at the party last night. I didn’t really care about any of them, I had hardly noticed them. Then he looked at me a little more seriously and asked, “Did you and my friend get into trouble last night?”

“Trouble?” I asked. “Um, we didn’t have sex if that’s what you’re asking.”

“That’s not what I’m asking. You did make out with him, though. Didn’t you?”

“Yes…”

He shook his head, “He has a girlfriend.”

Merchant Marine didn’t expect my response when I laughed and said, “of course.”

“Look, he’s a really good guy, like, a really good guy. Don’t say anything to anyone.”

Oops.

It felt like, once again, the universe was dangling the proverbial carrot just in front of my face. It was an authentic connection. He didn’t even try to hook up with me despite sleeping in my bed. It seems like if a guy’s going to cheat, they’re going to try to take it all the way. Right?

I felt a combination of anger, sadness, disappointment, confusion, and an overwhelming sense of being cheated.

After a few days of feeling pretty crappy over it, I mostly feel better now. It was a really nice evening, the end.

Later, as I sat with one of my best friends, talking over the whole thing, I said, “Well, at least I’m moving in the right direction. The last one was married and I slept with him. This one only has a girlfriend and all I did was kiss him. That’s progress, right?”

Never mind, sometimes I still wish I were the get-angry-and-break-shit type.

Oh, and I still maintain that when it comes to love, everyone’s a douche.

Slow and steady might be obnoxious but it works. After a week that was so incredibly draining, I’m frankly glad to see the slow and steady. I wondered if I’d gain just from being so stressed out. A few days, and some deep breaths later, I have lost a bit and it’s nice to see that.

While I might be tempted to attribute most of the loss to the unceremoniously chopping off of my hair, I had lost so much hair because of stress over the previous months and it was so thin that there really wasn’t much of any weight there.

I was shocked at how light it was when I held the bundle in my hand and it wasn’t even worth trying to donate it. It was way too damaged and brittle. While I can’t necessarily say that I like my haircut, I don’t like myself with short hair, I am glad to not be struggling with the brittle, tangled mess anymore.

Aaaaand now I’m waiting for it to grow out again!

That too, is slow and steady. I’m sensing a theme.

Let’s talk goals!

Last Week’s Goals

1. Cool meals ahead – While I didn’t do quite as many as I would have liked when I realized that I was working through lunch and had nothing to eat, I did get some things cooked ahead of time and made plans to cook a whole bunch of other things over the next few days. I’m getting ahead again, which is good because that preparation always pays off well.

2. Drink less coffee – This week I stuck with one cup a day and I think that I’m going to make that a permanent rule. I’d rather not drink it at all unless I’m really tired but I’m still going to continue to ease off for the moment so that I don’t get any side effects from cutting it. I’m noticing that I’m enjoying it less lately and it feels like there’s not much point of consuming something that I don’t really enjoy. It seems silly

3. Get back to the gym – Um… fail. I was SO tired this week that even the idea of working out was completely exhausting. I’ve been struggling to find enough down time to rest. It’s not so much about getting enough sleep. I do. It’s more about the mental exhaustion of busyness. At work I never seem to stop moving because we’re short people and I’ve been helping train the temps and fill-ins. At the end of my work day, I still have things to do. Between therapy, voice training, helping take care of my step-dad, and trying to exercise, I don’t have much time or mental space left.

This Week’s Goals

1. Do an outdoor run – Since I’ve been running during my weight loss, I’ve never actually done an outdoor run. I always run on the treadmill. Considering the fact that I’m going to do a race in about a month that is distinctly outdoor, I need to start running outside. It’s only hard because it’s rainy here and I’m whiny. That and it’s out of my immediate comfort zone, so naturally it terrifies me. I’m going to aim for this weekend but I might end up doing it in the evening instead.

2. Show up at the gym again, twice – This is supposed to be my long term goal but in busyness and tiredness, I lost sight of it. It still remains that I don’t have to work out while I’m there. I can do whatever I want. I just have to show up. I’ll start going again after therapy and then I only have to pick one more day to do it. That’s only one more evening that I don’t get to go straight home and I can deal with that.

3. Figure out a way to de-stress every day – I don’t have the same amount of time every night to come home and wind down so I don’t think it’s wise to set a routine for how to do so, but I need to do something so that I’ll rest better. As I said before, my problem is about mental space much more than it is actual sleep time. I’ve been getting roughly eight hours of sleep each night yet I keep getting more and more tired. Obviously, it’s not that.

*********

So, there we have it. I’m doing great with food. Right now it’s all about improving energy and activity. What are your goals for this week?

With a little lost and the continuation of the “slow and steady”  I continue on. I’m getting closer to my lowest weight of 218.4 lbs and going from there. I can’t even say how happy I’ll be when I start breaking new ground again.

I mean, I’m not unhappy (now) to be doing some of this work again, especially since last year when I hit the low weight is was mostly from being really sick and/or not eating enough. Even if the number on the scale isn’t new yet, the experience of weight loss at this point is quite new and different.

Here are the numbers for this month, including a comparison for last month and my starting numbers:

Being right on the edge of how I’ve always been able to recognize myself is kind of freaking me out. I already look so different than I ever have and the fact that I have no idea how I’ll look as a thin person is oddly scary. I had a whole post on this written before I decided that it was poorly written and overly emotional and deleted it.

I’ll share more about it when I can produce something articulate enough that it doesn’t closely resemble word vomit.

In the meantime, it’s nice to see that I’m only a little above my smallest size in most of my measurements. I don’t think that I ever  actually posted those measurements because looking back at June, I posted twice and neither of those includes a chart.

I’ll get my stats section updated soon but for now, here are the June numbers and how this month compares to them.

Overall, I’m pretty close. Although, you may notice that my lowest measurements didn’t actually corelate with my lowest weight. When I was 218.4 lbs, I had gotten a little bigger in some areas. I think it’s pretty safe to blame the fact that I was drinking too much for the bloating I experienced.

That, and the chicken wings.

Damn, I love those things.

But, I’m much more eager to get past that weight range and to continue on with getting thinner, stronger, healthier, and prettier. Despite the fears and the unknowns about passing that point, I’m really looking forward to it. As I said before, I’ll have a lot more to say about that in the next few days (probably after therapy) but for now, slow and steady continues on.

I really didn’t expect to lose any weight this week. I feel lucky just to have made it through everything in one mentally healthy piece. Everything came tumbling at me at once and I’m so happy that I’ve been able to keep my head afloat with relative ease… and lots of whining… and a bit of tea.

Between being a one- lady-department-of-four at work, my step-father going into the hospital for surgery on his spine, me spending all weekend in the hospital with him and my mom, the usual in voice lessons and therapy, getting a foot of my hair chopped off, and my evening intruder resuming his role as evening intruder (this time waking me up, the douche!); I haven’t gotten much sleep and I’m exhausted.

A brain deadness has settled on me and it’s probably going to take a day and a half of sleep (straight) to get rid of it. This week has been really eventful and I totally woke up this morning feeling like it was Friday because it’s been so busy. I was slightly heartbroken when I realized that it was only Wednesday. I got myself up, pouted, and got on the scale, though. I just feel like it’s really redundant to be going to work AGAIN. I did that yesterday. Why do I have to keep doing it over and over again?

Right, paycheck.

Lately I’ve had this kind of stabby feeling in my stomach. I think it’s mostly from the fact that I made a very drastic switch from eating only homemade organic food (yup, I’m one of those people now) to eating hospital food. You might only recognize a slight difference when you switch to high quality food sources but you DEFINITELY notice a difference when you switch back.

My stomach has been trying to exorcise the fillers and preservatives for the last few days. With my step-father just out of the hospital now, it makes things much easier to get back on track with almost everything and cook my own meals again.

Much like the last time I was nurse-maid in the hospital, I learned an incredible amount about myself and my family. Last time I came back numb and broken but this time I found a strength I had no idea I had.

I found myself decisive and authoritative at the times my mom and step-dad needed it the most. Post surgery, he wasn’t doing well for a while. We were worried about a number of things and suddenly his spine was the least of our concerns.

Sometime in the next few days I’ll go into this deeper because I think what I saw was really important to share but that will be a long post and I don’t think I should try to combine it with this one.

For now I’ll just say that this year I’m neither numb nor broken. I’m not dying yet afraid to drink and escape. I’m not counting down to the next time I can go dancing and be engulfed in the feel of the music. I’m carrying on with the ins and outs of my daily life and I’m doing really well.

Let’s talk goals!

Last week I didn’t make any goals because I was struggling to find enough time to get that mini post out so I don’t have anything to review. I think that this week is going to be all about getting back on track and into the swing of things, so they’ll be a bit redundant from past weeks.

This Week’s Goals

1. Cook meals ahead – I ran out of precooked meals and that was the primary reason I was eating hospital food in the first place. I’m completely out of my convenient little Tupperware meals and I’m going to need to spend some time restocking. Even at work I’ve been ordering delivery because I’ve been too busy to leave (see the aforementioned one-woman-team-of-four) and I didn’t have any prepared meals at work with me. While I’ve been ordering healthy things, there are still fillers and whatnot in anything you order, um, anywhere.

2. Drink less coffee – I don’t even like coffee but I drink it partly as an energy booster and partly out of habit now. Actually, it’s not that I don’t like coffee but I really don’t like Caffe Vita coffee and that’s what we have here at work. It always tastes burnt to me. After watching someone go through withdrawals, I’d rather not be reliant on anything that would have that effect on me if I had to stop consuming it. I’m not going to cut it out just yet but I will impose a cut on it. Baby steps.

3. Get back to the gym – I haven’t been to the gym because I’ve barely had enough time to sleep. I’ve always made it a policy that if I have to choose between sleep and exercise, I choose sleep. I can function pretty well and still lose weight without exercise but I CANNOT function well and lose weight without enough sleep. Despite that rule, I want to make sure that my gym attendance doesn’t suffer too much.

*********

And so; back to life, back to progress, and NO MORE HOSPITAL FOOD. What are your goals for this week?

 Still the slow and steady.

Granted, now that I have a challenge for myself it’s definitely easier to bear. Slow and steady gives me more time to be able to run that 3.1miles without stopping. I love the idea of racing myself to achievements because either way, I win.

I love the game Kendra Wins.

Nowadays it feels a bit like I’m playing a perpetual game of Kendra Wins. Despite the fact that some days are hard and therapy isn’t always fun, I’m making so much progress in every area of my life. I’m trying not to look ahead too much and, instead, take things one week at a time but I’m definitely feeling better about life overall.

I’m just barely starting to have that “I feel smaller” feeling again. It’s really cool because I also have people asking me about if I’ve slimmed down. I get to say yes with confidence. While I might not be back down to my smallest yet, my measurements are really close and I look much better than I did when I was at my smallest.

Months ago, shortly after having the “I can’t be your girlfriend” conversation with my evening intruder, he said something quite to the point. He’s always been the blunt type but this caught me off guard.

“Kendra, I think that the only reason you’re not in a real relationship now is because you don’t think you’re worth it.”

Momentarily shocked, I mostly blew it off, telling him that I wasn’t in a relationship because I didn’t want one. I wanted time and space to figure myself out and what I had to offer to the world and to a romantic partner. I didn’t want that clouded by emotion or by someone else’s influence. I also liked the freedom to flirt with whomever I pleased and didn’t want to be limited.

I may have also suspected that he was trying to talk me into a relationship with him again and I wasn’t about to repeat that conversation. I was still hurting from the end of my “complication” and this was not something I wanted to talk about.

The comment stuck with me, though, and I wondered how true it was.

A while later I was talking with another friend, who reminds me so much of a stuffed bear I have that I’ve started calling him Bert the Bear (he doesn’t mind being named after a teddy bear), I said something that made me think of that comment again and reconsider it.

He and I had made dinner that evening and then walked to a corner store to get some half and half. While at the store, a man standing next to Bert leaned over, looked at me, and said, “You’ve got great taste, man.” I held my laughter in until we left the store and then we both cracked up.

As we got back to my place he started making jokes about me being a “sex magnet” and about how everyone seems to want me. He’s the type of friend who’s really good for your self esteem. Without thinking, I replied, “Yeah, but no one seems to think I’m worth keeping.”

It just fell out of my mouth. I didn’t think through the statement or say it in a self pitying way. I stated it matter-of-factly and it made him stop and stare at me for a minute. “Is that what you really think?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Here, have some tea,” I said changing the subject.

After he left I sat on my couch, cradling my tea for a while, thinking about what I had said and I realized that it was exactly how I really felt. My evening intruder had been right.

I hate it when that happens.

I’ve struggled for a long time with self worth. It had never been a shock to me when things fell apart because I felt like I was only losing what I hadn’t deserved in the first place.

Back when I was a Christian in training to become a missionary I had no doubt that I would get married someday but I thought that it would be because someone felt “the call” to marry me and that they would do it out of obedience to God. Back then so much of my life was about duty, though, so I accepted this idea without resentment or emotion.

I couldn’t imagine someone falling in love with me.

I’ve always seen myself as broken and messy inside. Who wants to love something that is broken and messy?

This, unfortunately, isn’t one of those posts where I get to declare at the end that I’ve overcome the struggle. It’s still there. Months ago, the fear of losing the affection I thought I didn’t deserve was nearly crippling to me. At the end, it seemed inevitable and I felt stupid for thinking that I could have kept it in the first place. Now, the idea that love could come again seems impossible.

But…

There is a fragment of light at the end of this tunnel. There is a defiant little voice inside of me that knows I’m worthy of being loved and cherished. That little voice manages to be heard enough, at least, that I’ve started taking care of myself again, I’m pursuing voice training because it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, I’m reassessing relationships and friendships where I don’t feel valued, and I’m reminding myself as often as I can that yes; I am worth it. And, I have some days where I feel completely awesome about myself, fully inhabiting the knowledge that someone of great value. Those days are becoming more frequent but they are still far from every day.

I don’t think that I’m the only one out there with this struggle. I suspect that this post will resonate at some level with many of you who are reading this. Unfortunately, this is no “Ten Steps to Feel Great About Yourself.”

 Actually that’s not unfortunate because any advice in an article like that would probably be trite and annoying.

I hope that somewhere along the lines, this struggle will no longer be my struggle. I’m so far ahead of where I once was, though, and the sadness and feelings of worthlessness aren’t even close to what I struggled in the past.

Reflecting on my progress gives me hope and I can see that I have the power to change this. I have the power to smile because I deserve to. So, I continue to remind myself that I am someone who is worthy of love and that, yes, it will find me.

Sometimes weight loss is a waiting game.

Each week, as I look at what I could improve and what I ought to make a weekly goal, it’s become a struggle to find something to change. Sugar free? Check. Lots of vegetables? Check. Protein? Check. Lots of water? Check. Exercise? Check. I’m already doing it and I’m doing it right.

What’s there to change? What is there to add?

I could make myself work harder at the gym but that would only make me want to run away and probably push myself too hard like I have in the past. That usually ends in me being too utterly exhausted to do any of the things I’m supposed to do in daily life. I’m easing in on purpose.

Yeah, I can add in some green tea, maybe try some new vegetables and recipes, but I’m already doing the right things. There just isn’t that much to add or change. My weekly goals might as well look like this, “keep doing the same thing. Repeat.”

Um… boring.

I’m at that place that the movies usually fast forward through. The part where you consistently repeat doing the same things is just not that interesting but, still, it’s incredibly important.

That’s kind of where everything in my life is right now. I’m working, being consistent, and waiting for the results to show.

And I’m antsy as hell.

When’s the payoff?

When’s the excitement?

When do I get to post progress pictures, buy new sizes, feel smug about losing more weight than other bloggers, and complain about my loose skin instead of my fat? Clearly this is what it’s all about!

The monotony and waiting can be maddening. I’ve never been the patient type. I like action. I like movement.

You’d think that given how busy I am, I’d be content to let the changes happen as I live life. Apparently I’m more of a brat than that. Impatience and discontent has settled on me like dust and I have an almost irresistible urge to sweep it away with action of some sort… anything!

But there’s no action to be taken. It really is a waiting game. It’s a mental battle, at this point, much more than it is a physical one because I have no trouble not touching the proverbial cookie jar.

The only thing I could improve upon is sleep. There you’ve got me. That’s something I’ve really got to figure out but it’s still not something that requires much action during the day. That requires calming my antsy mind and inaction, which is exactly what’s getting to me already.

Clearly I’m going to go crazy.

Again.

It probably doesn’t help that I’m still working on undoing the regain from the early months of my recovery. It makes me feel very “been there, done that” about every pound and inch lost. I don’t feel like I get to be excited yet about looking different again because in the back of my mind I think I’ve already looked like this once and it’s nothing new.

The thing is, that’s true… and it isn’t. When I weighed this much last year I didn’t look how I do now because I wasn’t as holistically healthy as I am now. First I was so sick and again that I thought I was dying and having visions of Cheesus, then I was fighting just to get by while keeping the secret of what happened to me, all the while, I was focusing on weight loss rather than health.

This year is all about weight loss in the context of health and recovery. It is a new thing and it’s better.

Maybe to throw off the impatience of “getting there” I need to find a sub-goal to focus on in the meantime, something to try to achieve before I hit new territory… a race of achievements.

In my head I totally just heard Mr. Bean’s voice from Rat Race going, “Ooh, a race! I hope I win.”

So, you know what? Let’s make it a real race!

My efforts to actually run a race last year ended in miserable failure so it just feels perfect to do it right this year and succeed in what I couldn’t do before. I’ve just signed up for the SARVA 5K Run/Walk on April 29^th. SARVA is a sexual assault awareness advocacy group so it’s kind of perfect.

Just the thought of this has me excited again. It feels amazing to have a mission for this time period besides undoing the damage.

Can I run 5K without stopping before I get back down to 218.4lbs? That’s the challenge, that’s the race.

I’m giddy.

Slow and steady, right?

Here’s what I really love about strength training, besides the fact that it makes me feel stronger; you see results pretty much right away. A week after I’ve started a new routine, I can already see a difference in the shape of my body that cardio and/or healthy eating alone can’t ever match.

I might get really grumpy sometimes about the exertion required but when I look in the mirror and see such immediate changes, I decrankify just a little bit.

Okay, more than a little bit.

I get downright giddy, actually.

The changes on the scale are one thing, and they are awesome, but it’s the changes in my body that really matter. I wouldn’t want to be a saggy, flabby 130lb girl. I’d much prefer to be a toned and muscular 150lb girl.

Granted, these are both numbers that I pulled out of thin air and have nothing to do with goal weights or what will actually come to pass. The point is, I’m not too preoccupied with the number. I’m much more concerned with what my body looks like and how healthy it is.

So, apparently I’m going to keep doing the routine, even if it does make me want to cry when I have to do ten planks in a row.

I’m a wimp.

Something I’ve realized from my return to exercise is that while I have a pretty solid foundation of nutritional knowledge and am pretty well informed about what the research says, I have little to no clue about fitness research. It’s a little concerning. I also have little to no idea about fueling for those workouts. I’ve been winging it with both topics.

Anyway, let’s talk goals!

Last Week’s Goals

1. Cut back on dairy – While I still had meals that included cheese and still drank some milk, I made a huge effort to stop using dairy as a calorie filler. I think it’s made a difference but I’m not totally sure. I think it’s going to take more than a week to find out if this is really a factor in anything. I don’t know where I stand on the dairy debate. I like it a lot and there’s no way I’m going to give up cheese but I do think it’s best to continue to not use it as a filler when I’m hungry.

2. Drink more green tea – I’ve been enjoying a few different types of tea this week. At home I made a big pitcher of passion tea and at work I’ve been drinking ginger green tea. My mom made me some calming tea that was a little odd tasting but good. I guess I’m not quite as adventurous with my tea choices as I thought I might be. I’ve chosen pretty much the same old favorites I’ve always had. Part of me wants to branch out but I’m also just kind of like, “eh, why bother?” There’s probably nothing wrong with sticking with a few old favorites.

3. Figure out what I need to do to improve my sleep – I’ve failed so badly with this one. I don’t get why anything having to do with sleep is such a difficult thing for me. I like sleep, a lot. I have so much trouble getting my mind to slow down in the evenings, though, and can’t get myself into a rest mode a lot of the time. Most of the problem is caused by things I’m grappling with in therapy. I spend the rest of the week thinking about what we discussed and musing over it. The fact that we’re dealing with serious issues keeps a lot of weight on my mind.

This Week’s Goals

1. Start reading about strength training – As I mentioned above, I don’t really know anything. I’ve mostly trusted the authority of friends, used workouts from magazines (really…), and then just winged it. I’d probably be much better off to actually educate myself and be able to make informed decisions like I have with my food choices.

2. Review my yearly goals and monthly goals and see where I’m at on those – Out of sight, out of mind? Let’s hope not… but sometimes. Since it’s almost a quarter of the way through the year, I should probably check in with those and refocus where necessary.

3. Get up at a decent time on the weekend and eat – I have a weekend pattern. Wake up late, not want to get out of bed, feel tired because I should be eating lunch by now but I still haven’t had breakfast, start to feel more worn out, really not want to get out of bed, finally drag myself out of bed when I have to pee so bad that there really isn’t a choice, finally eat something, feel better. Sometimes I feel downright depressed until I finally make myself eat something and then right away I feel better again. I like sleeping in on the weekends but apparently I need to make myself get up when I wake up and at least eat something.

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I need more sleep and education. The end. So, what are your goals for this week?