Disclaimer: This blog may be about my weight loss but I have invited each and every reader into my head and into my life. It, therefore, seems to me that I ought to be open about some of the other daily struggles. I may never see a time fit to do this again but on a day like today, if I am being emotionally honest with those of you out there in Blog Land, I should be open and honest about more than just how I feel about my ass today, after all many of these things contributed to my weight problem in the first place.
Dear Dad (the things I cannot say),
What is it that haunts you so much? Why do you need to medicate to the point of oblivion. Tomorrow will you even remember tonight? Will you feel the dry blood and wonder what happened or just pass it off? Will you listen to your wife as she yells at you and pleads with you to stop before you accidentally kill yourself? Will you have any idea that this is only one of many times I have cleaned up your blood and urine from the floor? I can’t help but wonder what it was that made you feel the need to escape. Was it that you allowed your children to be terrorized? No, you were already like this back then. Maybe it’s just that you never lived up to your view of yourself.
I know that you’ve always fancied yourself someone important, intelligent, above others in some ways. Is it that you could never live up to this idea of yourself you’ve always had? I think that I take after you a bit in that area. I feel that I intuitively know that someday I will be someone important or famous. Am I doomed to the same sordid fate? No, we medicate differently. I’m changing those habits, can you change yours? What are you hiding from? Does some childhood memory haunt you? I don’t understand you and I probably never will. The father I remember from when I was younger is probably already gone.
I love you dad but I can’t keep being your savior and your scapegoat. I did not cause your problems and I cannot fix them. I realize that there was very little point in writing this letter, you will certainly never read it but it is so much better to write a letter than to internalize the pain and anger I am feeling right now. It was these things that got me where I was and I won’t go back. I’m sorry that I’ve lost you, maybe there will be a way back for you too.
Oh honey, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. All this extra "stuff" going on around affects everything about 'us' – even something that may seem as trivial as 'weight loss'.
BUT, I find, that in a world where I can't control much, I CAN control what I shove in my mouth. When everything is going to shit around me, I find comfort in knowing that I control my own destiny. ME – no one else.
(PS – not sure if you are religious or not, so I'll go on a limb here…but have you ever heard the song "Be for You" by Toby Mac? Read the lyrics and let God be your strength.)
It took a lot of bravery to share something this personal.