Consider this your official TMI warning.
Sometimes we do stupid things. Sometimes these things also help us to grow in an unexpected way. On Friday night, I did one of those stupid things.
I was out and about, talking and flirting. One guy recognized me as the girl who wouldn’t give her name. He seemed determined to get it and was particularly sweet. So, I took a walk with him. Long story short, I put myself in a compromising position. Things went too far but not that far. He never got my name.
If you’ve read The Back Story, you won’t be surprised to know that the next day I felt a numb sort of devastation. I reverted back to the same reaction I once had in other circumstances.
As I walked in a very busy area on Saturday, I felt violated by every person who bumped into me. It was ridiculous and I felt nauseous. I walked home. As I was walking, I knew that I needed to get out of my head. I needed to process what happened and move on. Why did I do it? I asked myself. And why did I feel so damn guilty? It wasn’t THAT big of a deal. Yes, it was, to me.
I sat down on my steps and told myself that I had to think through this properly before I could go inside. I needed to give myself grace and forgive myself. I thought to myself that this would make a great comparison to binge eating and how to get past it. You see, I’ve struggled with binge eating in the past and the build up and aftermath look oh so similar to what I had felt that weekend. It was also the same with cutting and all the other self destructive behaviors I’ve struggled with.
The problem is, I don’t treat myself with the respect and care I deserve. This is the underlying issue for each and every one of these things.
When I binge, cut, starve myself, or cause any other self harm I’m showing a distinct lack of love and respect for my body.
When I let things go too far or get compromising, I’m not respecting my heart. I don’t want to be physical with someone I don’t love. I mean, I want to but I really don’t.
Being healthy, no matter which lifestyle label you choose, it all boils down to respecting yourself.
In November of last year I finally respected myself to start losing weight. In the process, though, I respect my body enough to not starve it or use drastic means to lose the weight.
I’m respecting my body when I give it the proper fuel it needs to do what I ask of it. I’m respecting my body when I’m teaching it to do new things, to run, and to be stronger. I’m also respecting my body when I realize I haven’t had enough sleep to work out that day. I have, in fact, regretted a workout many times.
I’m respecting my body when I get enough sleep, despite feeling like I could be doing a million other things.
I’m respecting my body when I feed it wholesome, non processed, nutrient dense foods. Yet I’m also respecting my body and soul when I enjoy my food, when I can indulge in something and appreciate the flavor. I’m respecting my body when I choose to eat even though I don’t want to.
Sometimes I have to put my body’s needs before the needs of my emotions. They are not yet in tune with each other. I may not be able to touch intuitive eating with a ten foot pole, but maybe this is the first step on the way there. Or maybe this is the end in itself.
Learning to life in a way that I show my body, heart, soul, and mind the respect they deserve is probably the most powerful thing I can do for myself.
The epiphany is just the first step. Learning to live this out will be a life long process. It’s the healing of a damaged girl who stopped valuing herself. I made it a goal this week but I’m also making it the overarching mission in my weight loss and attempts at healthy living.
We say that weight loss is mostly a mental battle and I think that this is that very battle.