Yesterday I wrote about my mother trying to offer me food that was bad for me in order to cheer me up (gosh, I wonder why I’m fat?) and my decline of the offer.

I said no to all of the above but had to go through a series of “Are you sure?” Yes, I am sure.

I was thinking a good deal about this line after I wrote it. I realized that I am sure that a healthy lifestyle is the way to go and even if I screw it up completely I will get back on top of it. It seems so strange how I can feel so completely different afer only a few days of healthy eating. I’ve just plain been more effective at life this week, and apparently prettier. I may not be too far into this whole thing but I can’t abandon it now. I am sure.

I also realize that this has to be one day at a time. I have to keep recommiting to healthy living every moment of every day. I can’t at this moment take control of the Kendra I will be in three years, three months, three weeks, or even three days. All that I can do is equip myself to succeed and continue to reaffirm my commitment that I’ve already made. It’s like being married to this lifestyle, just without the diamond ring or those certain benefits…

That being said I also have to recognize my fickle nature. Most healthy living changes I’ve made I’ve also abandoned within a week because I didn’t think it was making any difference. (Imaging high, annoying, whiny voice) “I wasn’t losing any weight…” I never gave anything enough time though. I once had a very good go at it during lent.

I’m not catholic but I wanted to observe the season anyway because I thought it would be good for my spiritual growth and for my less spiritual ass. I got about half way through before I got so sick that I fainted and then was nauseous forever and the only thing that looked good to me was pizza. I didn’t do it for weight concerns and I don’t even know how much if any weight I lost, but I definitely was all around better for that time period. Nothing else has ever stuck for any period longer than a few days, except for my refusal to eat for 16 days once. I don’t know how much weight I lost, but I definitely regained it all once I started eating again. It was one of those stupid things that I will always look back on and shake my head. Although it did show me the strength of my will to do something so hard.

I was worrying a good deal over the past two days about what I would do if I got on the scale on Monday and saw no difference or a gain and if I also saw no difference in my measurements. How will I handle that? I decided that I will give three weeks to see some result before allowing myself to get upset. I worry because I can’t tell any difference yet in the shape of my body. Sure I feel better and all that, but am I really losing any weight? Can I actually lose weight?

What if my body just lacks the ability to do so? I realize how stupid this sounds, but it’s been nagging at me all week. I know that I will feel better come Monday after I see that there has, in fact, been some result. (But What if there’s not???) Breathe, little duckling, breathe.

Besides panic over impending weigh-ins, the only struggle that I’ve been having is that I wait too long to eat and then I get really hungry. I’m supposed to prevent hunger pangs, but I haven’t been doing so. I’m hungry now, in fact.

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