6lbs in a week, that’s impressive. So, you may ask, how did this happen? Well, I’d say a combination of ovulation, pancakes yesterday, not sleeping well all week, drinks a few times this week, the best restaurant ever on Friday night, a huge amount of water retention, and a little bit of calf muscle growth.

I’m not worried. In fact, I’ve taken this as an opportunity to reassess and start again with some things. Why? Because I’ve been scared to pass the weight at which I was run over. Sounds dumb, right? Well, it is.

Here’s the thing, about a year after the accident I dropped all of the heavy expectation I had always had for myself. I allowed myself to just live and process stuff right where I am. I think that subconsciously I was afraid to pass that milestone because I thought it would also bring back the expectations.

I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been craving sugar like mad this week. I didn’t actually want the sweets or want the taste the items, but I wanted them. It didn’t really make sense to me until I made the connection between how close I am to this landmark weight.

So much of weight loss is really mental and dealing with the internal stuff (no, I don’t mean the gas that accompanies broccoli) is just way too important to ignore. It’s the reason that I’ve been ignoring all of my workout goals and slacking on others as well.

I still have so many unresolved issues from a really rough childhood and one of them is the perpetual fear that the bottom will drop out, the shit will hit the fan, however you want to put it, I have a subconscious fear of disaster and trauma. I have good reason to fear both but I am perpetuating it by letting myself tolerate the fears. I become a self fulfilling prophecy. The truth is that I need more therapy. It’s isn’t that things are bad; but that they can be better and I want that. That’s what this is really about, making life better.

I’m not quite ready to actually go back into therapy and I am still processing this revelation, but I’m glad that I’ve realized it. I debated with myself whether or not to talk about it here, but I said I was going to be honest and this is a big part of my struggle to be fit and healthy. I’m once again facing myself, as unamusing as it may be for my readers, this is what needs to be done.

So to the Weekly Goals, last weeks were:
1) Two Intervals: My flesh wound did not heal so I assume this wasn’t actually the cause of it. I’m running again – Flesh wound did heal with another week of rest, so maybe it’s good that I didn’t run.

2) Do weights once – I still feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing so I’m not such a fan at this point. – Dumb excuse and I didn’t do it anyway
3) Get ready for bed by 9:15 – New tactic, plan start time, not end time. – Pretty much yes
4) One cup of sweetened tea per day, as much as I want unsweetened – I rocked this one
5) Eat afternoon snack and dinner. I’m terrible about these meals. I just don’t get them as diligently. – 4/5 on this one for the weekdays. It’s better than before.

This Week:
1) Get in the gym three time, I don’t care what I do but I need to get back
2) Leave work by 9:15 so that I can get home before 10
3) Water Water Water – I feel so much better when I drink more water.
4) No more than one cup of sweetened tea again
5) Make a workout plan – I like plans, why don’t I have one?

As a parting comment, check out my first post on Hollaback Health!!!!! http://www.hollabackhealth.com/2010/05/the-big-divide/

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