So, while the official weigh-in this Monday morning showed 261, Sunday was the first time I’ve gotten on the scale and seen a number below the 260s. It said 259.6. Awesome. The official weigh in is still 35lbs lost! I’ve been sneaking closer and closer to that for a looooong time. Now I get to look ahead to hitting 40lbs lost. That sounds huge. Then again, so did 35lbs lost a while ago.
This weekend was challenging to say the least. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t remember what I did on Saturday without some prompting. Bad times.
Knowing that I was not going to be able to complete the challenge was really getting to me this weekend too. I’ve had a really long struggle with anxiety and it’s been mostly at bay for a while but anytime I know that I’m not going to be able to complete something that I committed to or if I am not going to meet expectations it kills me and I go into meltdown.
The problem is it only makes things worse. It felt really shitty not being able to complete my own challenge but it felt even more shitty not being able to sleep because I was worried about the fact that I couldn’t finish my own challenge. Lots of people will say things like “Don’t let it get to you, it’s not that big of a deal,” or “You’re making this a bigger thing than it has to be,” but it doesn’t help.
For those who have had anxiety, you understand. For the rest, it’s inexplicable how it works. It isn’t like I’m actively worrying about certain things; it’s that they eat at me. I wake up in the middle of the night with my stomach in knots, feeling like it’s suddenly the end of the world as I know it. It never is, but it feels that way.
It’s a cycle I’ve struggled with ever since I was little but the severity of it fluctuates.
Does anyone else deal with this?
I think that my current anxiety is because I’m going to drive down to California on Thursday and I’m worried about money, my job, the drive, seeing my friends, impressing people with my weight loss, etc. I’m getting better in general, but I’m still in progress. I hope that the day will come when I don’t care about impressing my friends and I won’t angst about money all the time.
I hope that a day comes when I won’t angst in general. What can I say, I’m angsty.
Let’s move on.
Last Week: Let’s just say that I failed them all.
1. Take two more fitness classes – I’m going to finish that mother even if I hate it
2. Raw vegetables at five meals this week, minimum) – As a completely irrelevant side note, am I the only one who hates the term veggies? They’re vegetables, thankyouverymuch. This, though, will fulfill the Challenge for the week.
3. Lay off the diet soda – I don’t really like it, the flavor sucks, it’s just the fizz that I like. So not good enough.
For the Challenge Participants: Because not many people posted their changes yesterday, I’ll let people post them today as well and stay in the challenge. Just let me know about what you did by Midnight tonight, here on my blog.
Join me tomorrow as I discuss the mystery of my missing boobs.
Amen to all the angst, worry, and need to fulfill others' expectations. I have always had some issues with that, and the severity changes from day to day. Since I've gotten to my largest in the last couple of years, it's gotten much worse. I'm ashamed to see people I knew in high school for fear that they will be disgusted by how much weight I've gained. BUT–I am going to do what I can to change this as I lose weight. I can't wait until I'm at the weight I need to be before I start loving and trusting myself enough to think that I'm good enough, not just for everyone else, but for myself. Today was my first day of many first days througout my lifetime that I will start a new lifestyle. I hope it sticks this time. It looks like I am at the weight you were about 30ish lbs. ago.