I knew that I was going to gain this week and it annoyed me. Normally I come on after a weigh in and say I don’t care and here’s why, but this weekend I did care. Here’s why:

I did everything right last week. There’s no reason why I should have registered a gain. I could speculate a million reasons why I gained again and its okay but it doesn’t feel okay to me right now. It will later but I’m not quite over it yet.

I don’t know what made my weight go way up in the middle of the week but it got as high as 266lbs again. That was a scary number to see even if it wasn’t in the morning and I knew how much water and food were in my belly after working out and eating.

This weekend I was feeling particularly morose about this weight loss journey. I was feeling a level of emo self pity I don’t usually allow myself to indulge in. Indulge I did, though, and wrote a post that I accidentally and luckily deleted. I was going to share it with you all because of how reminiscent it was of a middle school live journal page but when I opened it this morning there was only an empty page.

We’re all better off this way. Trust me.

And moving on… Let’s talk Goals!

Last Week’s Goals:

1. Run twice: They both sucked but I did ‘em. Here’s my neurotic/psychotic/stupid problem I’m having right now with the runs. I can do the 5.5mph running part just fine but when I do the resting part of the interval 3.0mph is too slow and lets my HR go down too much but 3.5 is too fast and I don’t actually recover enough. I know, I know, most of you are probably thinking, “Duh, Kendra, do something in between,” but have I ever told you all just how neurotic I am with numbers? Probably not to the true extent. The idea of doing a number that is not a whole number or a .5 is painful. PAINFUL people! I told my mother about the problem on Friday night and she had zero empathy for me. I’m going to try to do 3.3 but I don’t know if I’ll be able to take it.

2. Strength training once: I did this one at home with a routine from a magazine. It wasn’t the best ever and while it was hard, I didn’t really feel much benefit from it. Oh well, I’ll try something new this week. It’s hard to find a good routine that I don’t have to pay for because the majority of routines I find require you to do things where you have to support your body weight in various ways. There are some that I can do and others that aren’t even an option. Anything resembling a pushup is not going to happen. Things that require me to bend at the waist in a curl up sort of position, again, is not going to happen. There’s too much mass there to curl. While I completed this goal, it wasn’t very satisfying

3. No sugar: This was a pain in the ass success until Saturday and then it all went down hill. My step mother was having a party for her son who is visiting (and stinking up my bathroom with his aftershave… so gross) from Peru. I may have failed to mention previously that my stepmother and all of her family are from Peru. She doesn’t really speak English and I don’t speak Spanish so we get along. At these parties I get to go through the usual “Wow, you’re pale,” “Why is your dad so much darker than you,” “You don’t speak Spanish, why???” “You really should speak Spanish, it’s a necessary language now,” “It’s funny how pale you are, now here’s twenty million jokes about your lack of melanin and how you don’t like spicy food like we do.” Fun times. The benefit, though, is usually really good food. They don’t typically sugar things so I thought I was safe. Nope. After eating some mysterious yellow substance that was down right delicious I asked about what it was. Yep, it had sugar in it. After that I took a “eff it” mentality and ate and drank what I pleased… which happened to include a lot of wine.

4. Water: With flying colors, thankyouverymuch.

This Week’s Goals:

1. Run twice: I’ll try to make myself do 3.3mph for the rests…

2. Strength training twice: I might do a class for this despite the fact that I hate classes. Or I might just wing it and go with the machines.

3. Minimize sugar: I’m not going to eliminate it because then I start counting down and obsessing for when I can have it again but I still want to minimize.

4. Get stocked up: Part of the reason I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks is that I haven’t had the necessities on hand and easy. Time to go shopping!

5. Relaxation exercises: I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping well so I think that I should try these again. They work.

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