This weekend was one mostly spent deconfusifying my emotions and gaining clarity about what I really want. I’ve decided that while 2010 was the year of change; doing the things that needed to be done, putting in hard work to change the trajectory of my life, and trying new and scary things; 2011 will be the year of getting what I want.
2010 certainly got me on the path of getting what I really want but it also was full of doing a lot of things simply because I HAD to. Most of these things were done for myself but a lot of them were done for the sake of others. There were still too many times that I had to put myself on the backburner.
Rather than going back to school, I used that money to help my sister pay rent and get into a new apartment. Rather than get my own apartment, I’ve stayed with my dad for fear of what would happen if I was not there. I’ve lent out my car to family members who have not taken care of it as carefully as I would, causing damage that I will end up paying for.
While I certainly believe in helping others and a certain measure of selflessness, there comes a point where you simply lose yourself.
So, in 2011 I will not be putting others first. Yes, I will be selfish. No, I’m not sorry.
I guess that begs the question, what do I want?
1. A new job. I actually like my job because of who I am working with but I don’t like what I’m doing or how much I’m getting paid. I’ve put off searching for something real, though, because this is comfortable an I know that my boss wants me to stay. Bad reasons.
2. To go back to school. I miss the academic life, I miss training with a private teacher, I even miss the hours spent researching things that I won’t care about in a year. I want to go back and finish… incidentally that will help with the whole better job thing.
3. An uncomplicated relationship. I was perfectly content being single until The Boy crossed my path. By crossed my path, I of course mean that he grabbed me away from another guy who was annoying me, danced with me, charmed my name and number out of me, and made me smile like a dope for several weeks straight. My contentment with my single status took a flying leap out the window. And then things got complicated… times three.
4. To lose 50lbs more. Given that I was able to lose 50lbs this year with a major break in trying for roughly a third or more of the year; I think that next year I will be able to do the same. I also want to focus on building muscle because I want my body shape to change, not just for the pounds to come off.
5. New Friends. It’s not that I don’t love my friends, I do. I really, really do. I miss them so much that it’s almost painful. That’s the problem. They aren’t here. I’ve been making the trek to visit many of them on a semi regular basis but I need people to spend time with on a day to day basis.