This weekend I got the kind of news that took the air out of my lungs. It’s all still up in the air and I don’t know what the outcome will be but suddenly I was reeling.

As I went through the short list of “Kendra’s Coping Mechanisms,” I realized that they all suck so instead I decided to sit on my floor and cry. The vodka bottle remained untouched. After a fleeting moment of, “how can I be self destructive so that this won’t hurt so much?” I fought my natural inclination to stuff down my emotions, texted my best friends, and let it out.

This morning afternoon when I woke up I felt that hollow, empty sort of feeling that you have after you’ve cried too much. I processed the dreams I’d had, thought about how I ought to proceed, and finally made myself get out of bed. I’ve decided that I can’t let myself spiral. I won’t let myself get depressed. I won’t do the self destructive things I sometimes do. I’m going to be honest with people, take things one step at a time, and hope that things turn out differently than they look like they will at this point.

For the sake of dispelling fears, I’m not sick, no one is sick. I’m not pregnant. No one is dying. This isn’t even about me. I’m collateral damage in this situation. I know it’s really annoying when a blogger gives this sort of vague description of… well, anything, but this is a case of NMI. I can’t tell someone else’s story. I can only tell my part of it.

Right now my part is simply waiting. Waiting sucks. It’s out of my control.

I guess this is the time to focus on things that are in my control right now.

Like the fact that I’m writing this at 4:30pm and haven’t eaten yet. Or the fact that I’m ignoring things that need my attention much more immediately than this situation.

I suppose, though, that I can give myself today to just be in this moment, to have that pained look on my face that I have no desire to replace with a smile, to not care that people expect me to smile like I usually do, to make a plan and not lose all that I’ve gained.

This isn’t the end of the world.

Let’s talk about goals.

Last week’s goals didn’t work out so well because I’m still not 100% with health and working out didn’t seem like much of a good option when I’m still having a bit of difficulty breathing. I did walk quite a bit this week without trouble but I didn’t want to do anything that required heavy breathing. I also did strength training exercises throughout the week when I felt like it but it wasn’t anything formal.

This Week’s Goals

1. Go to two workout classes: The Seattle 24 Hour Fitness has a lot classes that I’ve drooled over for a long time but because of that pesky job I had I couldn’t attend any of them. Now that I’m in the blissful state that is unemployment, I can go to as many as I please. This week I’d like to attend at least two.

2. Eat and eat well: We all know by now that when some thing’s going on that’s got me down I don’t eat. Waiting until 5pm for my first meal of the day is unacceptable and certainly does not equip me to deal with things well.

3. Go to bed by 2am: I’m a total night person and I really don’t like going to bed early but I also don’t like sleeping through the day so I’m imposing this bedtime (which I totally failed at last night).

4. Drink as much water as possible: I’m pretty sure that what’s going on in my body is post nasal drip causing other issues (breathing and whatnot). Drinking a lot of water in combination with a decongestant and antihistamine can do wonders for dealing with that.