And now, the tap dance of justification for why weight gain does not equate failure…

Actually, sometimes it doesn’t. This is a cycle I go through each time I’m sick and it’s finally the week that I gain weight that I can usually get my head out of the freak out spiral.

It was inevitable that I would gain weight this week and I knew it. Between starting a new birth control pill (and going a little crazy…), making a real effort to eat more after not eating much of anything for weeks, and my general laziness this week, I knew it was coming and I’m not upset.

I gave myself permission to not feel badly about myself for the weight gain. I’m also giving myself permission to not feel badly no matter what the scale shows next week because I’m actually going to do strength training this week and that usually causes a gain. I won’t be sorry and I won’t be mad at myself.

Besides, just before weighing myself this morning, I noticed that my pooch has hit an all time small. How can I be upset about anything on the scale when I see that? I can’t be and I’m not.

The measurements I took this morning would have more than made up for any hard feeling toward the scale if there were any.

I’m almost 70lbs into this shindig. For some totally arbitrary reason when I started out I thought that 70lbs lost would be a mark of distinction. Not 50, not 60; 70 was the magic number. You may have noticed by now that I have a total obsession with numbers.

It’s true. I have issues.

Very rarely can I actually articulate the reason for the number in my head but this one I can. I miscalculated and thought that I would hit 235 just after I hit the 70lbs lost mark. I can do calculus but failed at subtraction?

Sad. Whatever.

Whatever the fallacy in the reason, I thought that 70lbs lost would when I would finally feel like I’m doing this and that I would be successful. I was wrong.

Somehow, nearly 70lbs lost still feels like a fluke. I fumbled, bumbled, and danced my way here without ever really knowing what I was doing.

Here’s the real problem; I don’t believe in myself. If self sabotage were a nerdy game, I’d be a grand-master wizard. My lack of confidence in my abilities almost always undermines said ability to do things and thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Here’s what I’m finding, though, as I approach the 70lbs lost mark; I don’t have to believe in myself. I just have to believe in the process.

The fact is, it doesn’t matter how much I manage to screw things up on a regular basis, if you follow a process, things work. This is why I like math.

In depersonalizing the whole thing, it takes a lot of the pressure off and instead of thinking about me in this picture I can just think about the tasks that need to be done. It’s what I have to do at this point because I want that 70lb point bad. No, I want the 100lb point, the 120lb point, and the 150lb point, etc. Let’s face it, I’m not going to be all content even at the 70lb point. I’m still lumpy.

Let’s talk goals!

Last Week’s Goals

1. Keep up with drinking water: I did quite well with this.

2. Eat Breakfast: Fail.

3. Eat enough to exercise: Some days; I did much better toward the end of the week but I didn’t start out so well with this one.

4. Work out twice this week: Once, so 50% on this. Hey, at least I got moving again!

5. Do relaxation exercises: I did this a few times before bed and it helped for the most part but one night it was just pointless.

This Week’s Goals
1. Go to sleep by 2am: So, I might have stayed up all night twice this week so that I could watch the entire season of Big Love. I might have also been really disappointed in the end. That show is freaking stressful.
2. Work out today and Thursday: My goals to work out a certain amount of times during the week have pretty much failed so maybe if I decide on actual days that I want to do so, I’ll feel more obligated to follow through.
3. Track what I eat: Because I really have been having trouble eating enough and eating the right things, this week you’re going to see at the bottom of each post what I’ve eaten the previous day. This is only going to last this week, though, because I need the extra accountability.

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