I wrote a post but it sucked. I tried to salvage it but it sucked more. I was trying not to discuss what I said I wouldn’t on Friday. I can’t.

I should be excited about the five pounds I’ve lost this week but I’m not. I will be excited at some point, I hit a very important landmark weight and that should mean a lot to me. I’ll care later. I didn’t want to come online and sound emo today. I don’t want this blog to become a diary of angsty ramblings. Yet, this is how I’m feeling.

The weekend was lovely and hard at the same time. A friend of the family was visiting my mom’s place (casa de crowded as I lovingly call it) and that certain someone made sure to be here because it was a friend of his family too. The three of us spent the weekend together. I think I have a new little sister.

Scary, right?

It was one of those push-pull weekends, though, with that certain someone and me. One day we were trying to keep distance between ourselves, the next we were teasing each other, fighting, and having pool wars. I’m covered head to foot in bruises but I won.

Behold the power of the youngest sister.

I kicked his ass and threw him in the pool a dozen and a half times.

I don’t like that I simply have to go through this period of sadness. There are no real proactive steps to take. There’s really nothing I can do at this point. I just have to feel the emotions as they come and keep going.

As much as I want to be my usually light hearted self right now, I don’t have it in me and I need to be okay with that. I just had a long conversation with myself about the fact that it’s okay to be angry. Whether I’m angry at him, the situation, or the shitty weather; I’m entitled to let myself feel what comes naturally. Yes, right now I’m angry. I don’t want to be but I am. I can’t decide if I’m angry at him or just the situation, though, and I suppose that will take more self reflection.

I hate this.

I suppose that the thing to do right now is to focus on the job search, weight loss, cleaning my apartment, etc. Moving forward is the only thing I can do right now.

On that note, let’s talk goals!

Last Week’s Goals

I’m just going to make the blanket statement that I failed them all. I did, it was sad but it was a hell week so I’m not sorry. No, wait, I did succeed in one. I didn’t consume any sugar and it was much easier this week than the last.

This Week’ Goals

1. Try the strength training workout three times. I’ve said it enough times, it really doesn’t need an explanation.

2. Get my apartment clean. I’m borderline neurotically clean but when I brought back a bunch of boxes from storage I just left them about. I just haven’t been motivated to take care of any of it. I won’t feel good or at home again until I clean it up, though. I’d like my comfy home back.

3. Keep up the no sugar thang. I’m doing great with this one and I’m giving myself one more week of total restriction before I ease up a little bit.

4. Drink more water. If I did anything poorly this week, drinking water was definitely the issue. I felt a little off because of it. It’s time to fill up the water bottles again.